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Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1006
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Fri Jan 19, 2018 1:51 am

Diary Entry

After dancing around it for ages, I have made contact with a deep seated fear of others. It is probably the biggest element in why work is so stressful among other things. I'm feeling that terror now, trying to nurture it, to fully experience and accept it, to prove that it is silly and can't hurt me. The image I have is not of violence but of humiliation and rejection, of contempt. The terror is slipping away now. I hope that doesn't mean I am burying it again. If I can learn to accept this I will take away its power over me.

deb1960
Posts: 1328
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby deb1960 » Fri Jan 19, 2018 10:07 am

Fears are strange. Actually no, they're predictable. Our mind presents us with the scariest thing in our head. To others my worst fears don't make sense. Our fears are individually tailored to suit our taste. Bespoke fears as it were.
Good luck with this
Deb x

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1006
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Fri Jan 19, 2018 11:15 pm

Thanks Deb

In one way it was really good to feel terror last night, not the extreme terror of having a hungry tiger running at you but the anticipation of having a hungry tiger running at you. That anticipation brings with it all the emotions of previous experiences without the actual threat.

It's interesting that I have come to believe that experiencing emotions is a good thing, even when they are horrible and that helps me to step back, observe the experience and almost feel good immediately after.

Today at work was better, less fear than I have felt in a long time without having to put on an unhelpful (to me) mask, without having to enter an unhelpful personality state. Was far from perfect but I'm not shooting for perfection. I was just happy to be able to complete a very triggery task without procrastinating or avoiding too much. Time will tell, and I will have to apply a lot of self discipline to keep progressing but I think this is the start of a big step for me. :)

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1006
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Mon Jan 22, 2018 11:26 am

Diary entry

Not a great weekend as to be expected following good progress on Friday. Fear and anxiety kicking off in response. Awake all night Friday and Saturday, got next to nothing done, barely left the house.
Managed to sleep a little Sunday night, enough so that I have a fighting chance of being productive today. So that is another positive along with the knowledge that my anxiety was only so bad because I am making progress overall.

deb1960
Posts: 1328
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby deb1960 » Mon Jan 22, 2018 5:16 pm

That all sounds very hopeful

Deb x

littleem
Posts: 296
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby littleem » Mon Jan 22, 2018 6:04 pm

Hello there!

Ah, sorry you didn't have such a great weekend. But overall things seem positive. Keep going and just remember how far you've come and that you're still moving forward. Go easy on yourself. I'm proud of you.

Wishing you a good week!

Em xxx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1006
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sat Jan 27, 2018 1:23 am

Thanks Em.

Diary Entry

Been a strange week, been feeling really shite depression wise and struggling with anxiety too but at least it pushed me to finally sign up with a new, and hopefully better, GP. Hopefully this one will be honest with me and not be adverse to prescribing meds. Two Drs at the surgery make a point of saying they have an interest in MH issues so fingers crossed. Be another week or so before get actual appointment but first step taken and all that.

My MH issues plus work related stress plus physical signs of age and ill health are leaving me very tense. I want to meditate to fix this but simply have no motivation left, I use it all to keep getting up in the morning, to keep my job going. It is a paradox, as much as the work stuff contributes to stress, I know I would feel much worse without it.

Tonight has been, sleep, wake, sleep, wake so far. Now I am sat here half and half hoping I can go back to sleep. Lots to do tomorrow.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep but I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1006
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sat Jan 27, 2018 8:01 pm

The anxiety is strong this evening. Can't concentrate. It is anticipation anxiety. However much I try to ignore them, my mind keeps drifting to prospective arguments and prospective failures and consequent negative judgements from others. Catastrophic thinking magnifying the chances of failure and insists the reactions of the other parties will be extreme. Result, complete disaster and humiliation.

I am trying to apply my exit strategies. 1. Stepping back and noticing that, whatever the result, these arguments are one small part of my life. Not the be all and end all. 2. Rational analysis of the prospects of success and of the potential reactions of others. 3. Accepting the anxiety without letting it take the steering wheel. 4. Choosing to act in my interests.

I'll see how it goes.

littleem
Posts: 296
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby littleem » Sat Jan 27, 2018 8:33 pm

Hello there!

Well done on taking the first step. Moving forward with these GPs sounds really positive.

Could you perhaps reduce your hours at work or take on less responsibility? Is there anyone at work you could talk to about the affect the stress of the job is having on your MH? A word I know all too well came to mind... Balance.

I hope you are feeling less anxious and that you've been able to get some good rest over this weekend. You are a fantastic person. Do take care of yourself, my friend.

Thinking of you,

Em xxx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1006
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Jan 28, 2018 10:50 am

Hi Em!

Thanks for your thoughts, appreciated :)

You are right about balance but I work hard at the moment as an investment in my future, another year of this and balance will be restored. The triggery elements of my job are actually good for me, force me to face my fears. Stepping down would have serious implications for my MH as well as my income. Not a decision I want to make while so ill.

Setting out what was going through my head in my last post really helped me to accept the anxiety which helped me to exit the damaging mind set. The damaging mind set was caused by trying to fight / reject / ignore my anxiety and fear. Practicing mindfulness and learning not to fight these feelings is hard but is, for me, a good solution.


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