Debs and Amaya, thanks for your posts. Much appreciated.
It is a big part of who I am to face up to fear and discomfort whether or not it is a good idea.
Not about being big and brave or anything like that, just that taking action of any sort is the only way to relieve the anxiety.
So, I visited after work today. It is such an awkward situation because, as in the last few years, she goes well out of her way to be nice to me and she is what would be described as a vulnerable person so I feel bad about not engaging but I just don't want to be there. Just feel obligated.
I was civil although I maintained my boundaries even if I passed the point of rudeness (and I did).
I was cold and distant because that is how I felt. I see no reason to put myself under the strain of playing happy families because that is what she wants to do and I don't want to share anything with her about my life when I know confidences will not be respected. Her feelings are not more important than mine. If she doesn't like it she can stop inviting me to see her, I won't mind one bit.
Feeling more than a little guilty though, especially about point blank refusing to let her hug me but I don't want her too, ever again. I love hugs but my mother's make my skin crawl.
Glad I did it. Glad I was able to go there without repressing emotion, without wearing a mask, being honest and proving to myself that my feelings are no longer explosive, are not something to be scared of. I was glad to find I didn't even want a row. All that has dissipated. I just found myself spending time with someone I am predisposed not to like.
There is still a lot of emotion bubbling away underneath I need to process and I still feel the need to justify myself. I feel I am being harsh and I am sure it sounds like that to some of you too but I feel a lot less harsh when I remember that, as vulnerable as she appears, she always manages to look after number one and also when I remember the very lengthy periods as a child and into adulthood when she chose to treat me very badly indeed. I have a right to my boundaries. I am not obligated to make my mother feel good about herself. She is not my responsibility.
Anyway. Thanks for reading all that. I really needed to get it out.