Search

Support Forum

SANE Support Forum

Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1251
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sat Dec 30, 2017 1:26 am

Hi

Debs and Amaya, thanks for your posts. Much appreciated.

It is a big part of who I am to face up to fear and discomfort whether or not it is a good idea.
Not about being big and brave or anything like that, just that taking action of any sort is the only way to relieve the anxiety.

So, I visited after work today. It is such an awkward situation because, as in the last few years, she goes well out of her way to be nice to me and she is what would be described as a vulnerable person so I feel bad about not engaging but I just don't want to be there. Just feel obligated.

I was civil although I maintained my boundaries even if I passed the point of rudeness (and I did).
I was cold and distant because that is how I felt. I see no reason to put myself under the strain of playing happy families because that is what she wants to do and I don't want to share anything with her about my life when I know confidences will not be respected. Her feelings are not more important than mine. If she doesn't like it she can stop inviting me to see her, I won't mind one bit.

Feeling more than a little guilty though, especially about point blank refusing to let her hug me but I don't want her too, ever again. I love hugs but my mother's make my skin crawl.

Glad I did it. Glad I was able to go there without repressing emotion, without wearing a mask, being honest and proving to myself that my feelings are no longer explosive, are not something to be scared of. I was glad to find I didn't even want a row. All that has dissipated. I just found myself spending time with someone I am predisposed not to like.

There is still a lot of emotion bubbling away underneath I need to process and I still feel the need to justify myself. I feel I am being harsh and I am sure it sounds like that to some of you too but I feel a lot less harsh when I remember that, as vulnerable as she appears, she always manages to look after number one and also when I remember the very lengthy periods as a child and into adulthood when she chose to treat me very badly indeed. I have a right to my boundaries. I am not obligated to make my mother feel good about herself. She is not my responsibility.

Anyway. Thanks for reading all that. I really needed to get it out.

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby amaya » Sat Dec 30, 2017 1:41 am

That sounds so awesomely healthy. Even if difficult. I think the guilt is something you could try to let go of. Easier said than done I know. But you really can :)

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1251
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sat Dec 30, 2017 2:11 am

Thanks Amaya

Now go to sleep! :D

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby amaya » Sat Dec 30, 2017 3:00 am

That is not my special skill tonight.

deb1960
Posts: 1526
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby deb1960 » Sat Dec 30, 2017 7:30 pm

Hi andthistoo

Well done on maintaining your boundaries. You've respected yourself and your mum from what I can make out.

Take care
Deb x

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1251
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Dec 31, 2017 7:32 am

Hi Deb

Thanks for your response. I certainly respected myself. Although there are deep emotional ties and habits of behaviour being triggered, I have no interest in respecting that woman. She made her choices a long time ago and deserves no respect, attention or care from any of her children. She can't change her behaviour because it suits her now and expect me or anyone else to fall into line or to forget the past.

teamn
Posts: 319
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:10 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby teamn » Sun Dec 31, 2017 9:20 am

Well done do maintaining your boundaries, I need to do this with both my parents, my mother seems to be better as respecting my boundaries, or should I say, she so caught up with herself and finds difficult to show emotional support or support that I require that the in action is better than being disrespected
.

My dad on other hand another kettle of fish altogether, he doesn't respect me or my boundaries. I've not made contact with him now fir nearly 5 weeks, if I had he most definitely would be pleasant then he would struggle to maintain this and become disrespectful, also feeling it's only about him.

I like the fact your putting your needs first, you don't sound harsh at all abs I definitely find it commendable.

deb1960
Posts: 1526
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby deb1960 » Sun Dec 31, 2017 8:53 pm

Hi andthistoo

By respecting someone else i mean talk to them politely. I suppose I mean assertive not aggressive. By doing that you are maintaining your own self respect. Possibly II'm splitting hairs here.

Hope the New Year is good to you

Deb x

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1251
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Tue Jan 02, 2018 2:01 pm

Hi Deb

All the best for the new year.

Thanks for the clarification. I am a little oversensitive on this subject. Heard 'You only get one mother's, etc too often. :lol:

Hi Natalie.

All the best to you too. Boundaries are great but tough to put in place with relatives. Sounds like you are making progress.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1251
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Wed Jan 03, 2018 2:54 pm

Diary entry

Finally made headway with Stephen Haye's ACT book. 1/4 of the way through and it is making a lot of sense. I seem to click with it better than the Russ Harris book I tried previously. Already had a bit of an epiphany. Basically about how to apply the techniques I used to become more accepting of emotions to stop avoiding and start accepting all sorts of discomfort. :D

I want to continue with this and really buy in and commit, resurrecting my mindfulness practice too. Epiphanies are all well and good but the true test is if it helps me change my behavior. I have real hopes that it will. :D


Return to “Mutual Support Group”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 9 guests