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Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1147
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Dec 10, 2017 10:07 pm

Thanks Amaya

Unfortunately the outrageous fun had to be put on hold. My brain decided sleep was more important and I have been out for the count for about 18 hours a day yesterday and today. At least the bags under my eyes will have reduced in size from sand to tea. Just woken and feel I could do with another eight hours but also feel so much more alive and positive than in my previous, knackered, post. :o

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby amaya » Sun Dec 10, 2017 10:15 pm

wauw that is a lot of sleeping.
I really hope that you will feel way better from it over the next few days. You must have really needed it because it is not even possible for me to sleep so long!

deb1960
Posts: 1429
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby deb1960 » Mon Dec 11, 2017 6:54 pm

You really work so hard on your health andthistoo. I admire you. I think if we keep fighting it gives us hope and sometimes we discover something out of the blue that is a real bonus.

Deb x

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1147
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Wed Dec 13, 2017 2:44 pm

Thanks Deb

There is a lot of truth in that. S

I have made a little progress in influencing my compulsions following last post.
Small step but shows it is possible :D Really pleased about that.
Sleep has been really weird this week either too much or too little. Got up and out this morning but even after shower, dressing and a walk in bracing winter air my brain was still 65% asleep, still is. Decided discretion is the better part of valour today and took a day's leave. Using the time to read Steven Haye's ACT book in hopes it will help me with the compulsions. Staying out to avoid dozing off. Maybe cinema later or even a show. Yawwwwn

Ps

LG phone predictive text sucks Satan's exhaust fumes. Rest of phone good though.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1147
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Thu Dec 21, 2017 11:17 pm

Hi all

Had an observing day yesterday, noted my behaviours and analysed them last night. Used an ACT diffusion technique today to try to deal with the intense fear which I believe is the cause of my refusing to act in my own interests, of refusing to shed the faux-protective cloak of my damaging beliefs and behaviours. The diffusion really helped. Lets see if I can keep it up.

Visited my GP for meds review today. She has asked me to only take one pill of the new med every two days. When I questioned this she led me to believe she was prescribing a strong enough dose so it would have the same effect as daily. I was not happy and suspicious because I don't really trust her following issues in the past such as telling me for a long time that she could not prescribe SSRIs because of a physical health issue. I saw one of her colleagues for an emergency appointment last year and he dismissed such fears and prescribed. If SSRIs are as bad for my physical health as she claims, why would she let the repeat prescriptions continue? Looking up the recommended doses this evening confirmed that she has put me on far less than the starting dose recommended by NICE and every other reputable body. I will phone tomorrow to see if she has made a mistake. If not then this really is the last straw for me with this GP. If she has good clinical reasons for giving me such a low dose, then she needs to disclose them not mislead. If this isn't a mistake then the last strands of trust I had in her will be broken and I will switch surgeries post haste while I have the motivation to do so.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1147
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Tue Dec 26, 2017 12:47 pm

Well

About to set out to visit my mother. For the last few years she has been nice(ish) to me. She still sticks the knife in when she thinks she can get away with it and create a drama, rather than what actually happens which is that I tell her to change the subject or get up and leave. She is still highly manipulative but she tells me she loves me and gives me a hug when I go to see her, something I never had as a child. That is horrible. I don't hug back. You can't suddenly pretend everything is ok without addressing the past and she has always refused to address the past. She is someone that can never, ever, be trusted, someone who has never had any consideration or care for anyone but herself.

As much as she attempts to be nice to my face I have heard back that she still talks disparagingly about me behind my back and I have seen her absolute joy when she gets the idea in her head that I am in trouble or have failed at something. She gets these ideas on little to no evidence. I conclude that she leaps to these conclusions because it is something she wants to believe.

Therapy has brought out a lot of anger and I have refused to see her for the last year 'too busy'. I will go today, not to have a row but to face the fear she still generates. To reduce the power the old bitch still has over me. I will not allow her to hug me, I will not go along with her pretense that everything is ok. I will be civil but I will maintain my boundaries and will give no ground. Hopefully she will kick off to give me the excuse to never return. I may never return anyway. Still feel obligated though, the same way she made me feel that she and everything else was my responsibility when I was a child.

This isn't easy and I've just had a large glass of Dutch courage. We will see how it goes.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1147
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Tue Dec 26, 2017 3:14 pm

Well that didn't work.

I have a lot of muscle cramps, always much worse when stressed and I tore a muscle yesterday morning. Between the pain from the tear and everything else cramping it took an hour to get dressed. Tried to take the pressure of the tear by twisting my knee to tie shoelace. Knee popped :roll: Not the first time so popped whatever left the joint back in straight away but I won't be going anywhere today. :oops:

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1147
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Wed Dec 27, 2017 7:06 pm

Curiouser and curiouser. Everything felt better today but as soon as I started preparing to visit my mother the cramps kicked in, from jaw to toes. Trip canceled. If I had any doubt that these cramps are stress related then those doubts have been put to bed.

Work tomorrow then meeting some friends in the evening. Looking forward to both.

deb1960
Posts: 1429
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby deb1960 » Thu Dec 28, 2017 11:35 am

You were wise to cancel the trip. Your body and mind know what is best.

Take care
Deb. x

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby amaya » Fri Dec 29, 2017 8:30 pm

Only just managed to catch up with your thread so I didn't realise you were planning to see your mum. Not really sure why you feel you have to face you issues with your mum in this way if you aren't getting anything in return. You don't have anything to prove to anyone. But I still think it shows how well you are doing that you feel ready to do such things, just that I don't see the reason why you would need it. I think you are more free than you know, if that makes any sense :) I hope the muscles are not still hurting.


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