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Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
betterinrecovery
Posts: 605
Joined: Mon Oct 30, 2017 10:07 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby betterinrecovery » Sat Dec 28, 2019 9:29 am

Dear ATTMP,
thank you for sharing your diary,
really helpful.
I am usually 'in the kitchen' should you have time.
B

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1716
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Dec 29, 2019 12:38 am

Hi BIR!

Lovely to hear from you. I hope all is as good as it can be for you.

I don't really post outside of my diary these days. I find I have nothing to say.
This site seems to be very quiet these days. There are more active forums out there. I used mentalhealthforum.net for a while.

betterinrecovery
Posts: 605
Joined: Mon Oct 30, 2017 10:07 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby betterinrecovery » Sun Dec 29, 2019 10:59 am

Hi again,
yes and I suppose there are many forums on Facebook e.t.c that people subscribe to.
Some forums go through a cycle of busyness and then quietness...
Wishing you what you need to manage from day to day,
B

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1716
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Jan 12, 2020 11:43 am

I have digested the events in my above post about boxing day. I have known for a long time that I was not to blame for my childhood. That my parents were at best neglectful, manipulative and putting all responsibility on me, at worse they were deliberately malicious. It was their judgement that I was worthless, not the truth. It is only now that I am beginning to believe it emotionally. It is only now that I am genuinely taking the blame away from the child me and placing it where it belongs. Hopeful!

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1716
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Feb 02, 2020 6:24 pm

Diary Entry

Not my shame, not my guilt. That was the thought I had when digesting my previous post, when I was just beginning to realise the following.

1. I am not responsible for my parents, not their feelings, not their lives. They were responsible for mine a long time ago. If they chose to neglect, bully or abuse then that is their shame, their guilt, not mine.

2. A lot of what I call depression is actually shame and guilt for being me. I now feel I am on the verge of actually dealing with my depression.

3. A lot of the shame I have carried my whole life is because I was taught that everything was my fault, that I was intrinsically bad, a burden to be around.

4. A lot of the guilt I have carried my whole life can be paraphrased as being guilty for not being a better parent to my mother. WTF!

5. The shame and guilt was pushed on to me via bullying so family members could feel better about themselves.

6. None of it was true, none of it is true. It is not and never was my shame or my guilt.

7. I deserved better from them then and it is ok to treat myself better now.
Last edited by andthistoomustpass on Sun Feb 02, 2020 6:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1716
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Feb 02, 2020 6:31 pm

For many years I have struggled with a gordian knot of emotion that I cannot identify or process. I leads me to feeling like I will explode. It is that which leads me to distract myself via overeating, drinking, etc.

Following from my current work of not accepting shame and guilt for things that were not shameful or that I had no control over, I realised that much of these emotions were shame and guilt.

I have found I have started being able to self soothe the gordian knot into unraveling on its own. Early days but it really gives me hope!

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1716
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Feb 16, 2020 8:02 pm

Diary Entry

It turns out that removing undeserved shame and guilt from myself has created room for me to see any number of things differently.

Last week a friend asked me to reconsider my mistrust of someone else. Previously that would have left me defensive but that didn't happen. I genuinely took on board what was said, considered it, saw she had a point and have acted on it.

Today I have realised a part of neglect I had not thought of before. When I was a child I had no one to guide me, no one to explain things, no one to turn to, no one to rely on, no one to tell me everything was going to be alright.

I feel the absence of that. I'm sad for the child me and more understanding of the fear that dominated my tweens and early teens. I was heading into adult life completely unprepared.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1716
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Tue Mar 17, 2020 3:20 am

So, uncovering and experiencing emotions is great but how do I deal with feeling terrified just sitting at home alone? Fear taints every waking and sleeping moment, the cause from so long ago. Trying to accept it, trying to self soothe but it is so tough.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1716
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Tue Mar 17, 2020 3:21 am

Really struggling to emotionally acknowledge my childhood experiences. Counsellor had me write a letter as a child and a compassionate response as an adult. I did the first part ok but I really couldn't raise any sense of compassion for my child-self in the response. I could write out the words but I couldn't feel them, I just shut down emotionally.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1716
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Tue Mar 17, 2020 3:22 am

Working from home due to the corona virus. I know that I am not in the most risky demographics. I know that a key reason governments are seeking to restrict movements is simply to try and prevent the most vulnerable 20% from being infected. This is because healthcare resources, particularly the availability of respirators, would not cope if too many became seriously ill at once. It doesn't stop the whole thing from being scary though.


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