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contact ended

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
motherofrage
Posts: 13
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 11:22 am

contact ended

Postby motherofrage » Sat Jun 11, 2016 10:59 pm

This morning I emailed parents to tell them that I no longer want them to call me, that I will not visit them and do not want them to visit me. They failed to protect me from abuse and failed to support me afterwards. I spent about forty years being too frightened to try and talk to them about what happened, and when I finally picked up enough courage to do so about two years ago, my father pretended (carried on pretending) that nothing had happened, and my mother insisted that they did everything they could and that I have no right to complain. I've recently had a lot of trouble with anxiety and went to see my GP for help. As I've had a lot of problems with anxiety and depression in the last couple of years, she already knew the background. She told me that the relationship seems abusive to her, and that was the final straw. I knew, obviously, that the relationship was bad, but still felt that I need to fix, or at least manage it somehow. "Abusive" is different, "abusive" means get out as fast as you can. I realised that I am actually frightened of my mother, of her certainty that she knows what I should and shouldn't think or feel, of her over-bright laughter which insists that everything is fine and we're a normal, happy family. So I finally did what I think I had to to protect myself, and it feels pretty bad. I don' t know how they ll take it, whether there will be a cold, angry email response, whether my brother will be roped in to talk some sense into me, or whether there will just be silence. Silence is what I asked for, and it will be a relief, but I'm realising that some small part of me was still hoping that they'd finally get it, that they'd suddenly find their love for me that they've somehow mislaid for all these years. I'm not sure anymore which response I fear most now.

Isap
Posts: 1621
Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: contact ended

Postby Isap » Sun Jun 12, 2016 12:31 pm

Hi there

Abuse is awful and you have my sympathy.

However, 40 years is a long time. Cuttiing off your parents will solve nothing. Its time to forgive and move on.

All the best

Isap x

Isap
Posts: 1621
Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: contact ended

Postby Isap » Sun Jun 12, 2016 2:05 pm

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle ... ndad-abuse

Very timely article in the Guardian
It just makes you realize how common this is.

Is there any possibility your mother didnt believe you at the time? Was she abused herself and therefore thought it normal? Im not trying to excuse her behaviour. .

Isap
Posts: 1621
Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: contact ended

Postby Isap » Sun Jun 12, 2016 2:06 pm

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle ... ndad-abuse

Very timely article in the Guardian
It just makes you realize how common this is.

Is there any possibility your mother didnt believe you at the time? Was she abused herself and therefore thought it normal? Im not trying to excuse her behaviour. .

strangeangle
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2016 11:14 pm

Re: contact ended

Postby strangeangle » Wed Jun 15, 2016 6:49 pm

I've had similar thoughts and have stopped contact changing my mobile number to enforce it. My circumstances are different. My father is dead, my mother now has dementia which was in early stages at the time of me breaking contact. gp wouldn't agree to further assessment for her until she threw chairs at one of them. So naturally I have guilt over that but in any event I felt I couldn't cope nor could I help so it was just causing both of us anguish. So I halted contact with her and my brother. I'm not close to him and despite him inviting friends that betrayed me twenty years ago to his wedding. Yes he had seen them all that time. It's his wedding and his life so nothing to do with me I just wish I hadn't gone.

So I understand even though it wasn't an abuse issue for me. That sounds awful for you and I really feel for you. Both that it happened and that you feel the only course is to break off contact. Don't beat yourself up about it but maybe leave the door unlocked for now. You may feel the need to reopen it later. But that's your call of course. Not giving advice just would hate for anyone to feel the guilt I did or feel they can't reverse things if they needed.

I hope you are feeling ok.

Steve

2jenny
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2016 10:29 am

Re: contact ended

Postby 2jenny » Mon Jun 20, 2016 1:40 pm

It isn't a matter of forgiving, is it, in the many cases where the victim is the one ousted, the abuser is the one treated well by the rejecting family?

By continuing contact, victims add their own silent collusion and consent, tacitly, to the obvious assumptions they and their wellbeing or their abuse are of little or no importance to those who could reasonably be expected to have been on their side?

You would assume that everyone would unite to protest, and protect, if a visitor or a family member was known to be have harmed, or to be still harming, one of the the family pet's

Why not when the harm has been or is being inflicted one of the family members?

Isap
Posts: 1621
Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: contact ended

Postby Isap » Tue Jun 21, 2016 7:11 am

Hi 2Jenny
e
I'm guessing English isn't your first language because I do n't understand what you are saying.

If you read the mental self help books, even books on meditation,ldi forgiving is very important psychologically because you release a big burden inside you. l

Right and wrong don't come into it you need to forgive all those who have harmed you. Holding grudges all your life and feeling angry bitter and sorry for yourself is understandable but self destructive.

I think most would agree with this.

Isap x

2jenny
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2016 10:29 am

Re: contact ended

Postby 2jenny » Thu Jun 23, 2016 7:39 pm

Err..".grudges, angry, bitter, and sorry for yourself" is rather a large assumption about people you know nothing about!

The English have a phrase for that. It's "speak for yourself".

Many people are horribly wronged, often by multiple abusers, often in multiple ways and for multiple years. They may have been too young to remember some, too uncomprehending, and have no idea of the identities of some.

They won't therefore even have the opportunity to single out someone to hold "grudges" about.Therefore, nobody to "forgive". Are you, perhaps, confusing two entirely different things?

Nasty, bitter, twisted, hate-filled, angry, sorry-for-themselves, might apply to a bunch of squabbling jealous siblings, resenting one another for life because of which one got more sweeties. The words "forgive and forget" might be applicable.

The same would not apply to the one or two survivors of a torture, rape, mutilation and extermination exercise, would it? They might be described in various ways. Accusing them of being "sorry for themselves" would be a nasty thing to do, don't you think?.

You could, if you choose, order anyone to "forgive and forget". But, if they are still being abused, still under the power of the perpetrator(s), you really couldn't advise them to snap out of "holding grudges"

. Nor could you demand that they ought to continue contact. Nor could you expect them to behave as if nothing wrong had been done, in front of any identifiable abusers and any people who treat those abusers with warmth and favour, even though they know even some of what was done.

Nazi .guards are regarded with shame by thei.r own families, even if they have been fond to them. Camp survivors and guards are not expected to live under the same roof at home, and share tables at social gatherings. Society, even the guards' own families, unites to condemn wrongdoing, not to collude, nor tacitly condone. The guards, not the survivors, are shunned and excluded.

2jenny
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2016 10:29 am

Re: contact ended

Postby 2jenny » Thu Jun 23, 2016 8:01 pm

Today the news includes one man who raped his little girl for years, organising gang rapes for any other men who wanted to join in.

You may tell her not to be sorry for herself and hold grudges. You may dictate that a book you read makes it obligatory for her to forgive him and all of them.

You may, possibly, hesitate in giving your one size fits all orders, though, if the rest of the little girl's family, in front of her and him in the same room, ignore what happened, as if it was trivial and easily brushed aside and forgotten,( maybe akin to accidentally breaking one of her toys.)

. You may wonder how she can be asked to live in the same house, or attend family gatherings, when he is there, and is being treated as a great guy who did nothing wrong to them, therefore nobody cares about what he did to her.

Isap
Posts: 1621
Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: contact ended

Postby Isap » Fri Jun 24, 2016 3:14 am

Hi 2Jenny

Sorry to hear of your struggles..

Why don't you introduce yourself in the Newbie section? That way you will get other people reading and supporting you. This is only a very small forum

Take care

Isap. x


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