This Is going to be a long post so please be open minded, because this is one of the hardest things I have every done, but I have to do this. I'm also sorry to my friends and family who have to find out this way.
Where to start?
To be honest, I wish I didn't have emotions. Life would be so much simpler without them.
I have always been timid when it comes to expressing myself, speaking my mind, and standing up for something. This stems from being raised in a culture where showing emotions is frowned upon. Men aren't suppose to show their thoughts or feelings.
So I’ve always played it safe and stood by the sideline, and I never wanted to rock the boat. And sometimes, when I’ve felt like saying something, I’ve wondered if people would even care, or if what I say would hurt someone or make them feel uncomfortable.
Because, frankly, sometimes people talk just for the sake of talking or because they want attention, and that bothered me. However, I also envied those who could just say what they think and speak their truth, even though I may or may not have agreed with them.
Nothing I ever did seemed good enough. There was constant criticism that I could do better, and I know I should of done better. I was raised to never to talk back to my seniors and not to say anything when I had nothing nice to say.
I know my friends and family have always had my best interest at heart. They have always tried to help me and be there for me. Push me to what I could become, but not achieving this has made me feel worthless, a disappointment and a failure.
Nevertheless, as years passed, the more I stayed muted, the more horrible my body and mind felt. I pushed people who I care about away and wish I could open up and tell them about everything I feel. But I've become afraid of being open.
Feelings now make me feel vulnerable and weak. Like I am less of a man for having these thoughts and feelings.
I feel like I'm not good enough, I don’t know who I should be, and I feel lost and alone, even when I'm surrounded by those who care about me.
I'm afraid of failure but with no motivation to succeed.
I feel everything and numb all the time.
I know many people will like and respond to this, and I thank you for it, but until I start liking myself. Everything you say will feel empty to me.