I had so much but threw it away!
I thought my depression and anxiety (I've been diagnosed with GAD for a few years now) had materialised after I had an aortic root and valve replacement op. They found an aneurysm in my aortic root and it was massive however, I lived and I have a mechanical heart valve.
I thought my troubles deepened after that, Dr's claiming PTSD as my aneurysm was a shock and it was over before I knew it. Since then, i have let my emotions run riot and ruin my life, I cannot for a minute empty my head, I am constantly on alert, sleep poorly, tie myself into emotional knots and am too scared to be in my own company. I slowly and persistently berate myself, bring up irrelevant issues from years ago and convince myself I am right when I so clearly am not.
My little boy has just been diagnosed with ADHD and now it appears I have it too. I cannot concentrate on anything difficult, I lose interest and skim over things, I say some outrageous things without thinking, feel displaced and separate in company and I have no confidence whatsoever.
I walked out of my job as it became too much, well, my emotions deemed it became too much, I should still be there. Now I've put my family in jeopardy and I can't live with myself or see how I can find work when I'm so useless and such a burden. How have I got through 50 years alone, not seeing what was wrong? I look back and it's not since my op, I can follow the same impetuous behaviour throughout my life and it's only now I can see it, when it's too late and I'm now hurting my family by throwing away a 34k a year job. Now I've got nothing, how on earth did I let this happen?
Why can't I ever think rationally, think things through. Why do I do such illogical, emotionally charged mistakes? Why can't I be normal and think normally? My family are now paying for my state of mind, that's unforgivable