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Where did it all go wrong?

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lee
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Jun 15, 2018 3:54 pm

Where did it all go wrong?

Postby lee » Fri Jun 15, 2018 4:27 pm

I had so much but threw it away!

I thought my depression and anxiety (I've been diagnosed with GAD for a few years now) had materialised after I had an aortic root and valve replacement op. They found an aneurysm in my aortic root and it was massive however, I lived and I have a mechanical heart valve.

I thought my troubles deepened after that, Dr's claiming PTSD as my aneurysm was a shock and it was over before I knew it. Since then, i have let my emotions run riot and ruin my life, I cannot for a minute empty my head, I am constantly on alert, sleep poorly, tie myself into emotional knots and am too scared to be in my own company. I slowly and persistently berate myself, bring up irrelevant issues from years ago and convince myself I am right when I so clearly am not.

My little boy has just been diagnosed with ADHD and now it appears I have it too. I cannot concentrate on anything difficult, I lose interest and skim over things, I say some outrageous things without thinking, feel displaced and separate in company and I have no confidence whatsoever.

I walked out of my job as it became too much, well, my emotions deemed it became too much, I should still be there. Now I've put my family in jeopardy and I can't live with myself or see how I can find work when I'm so useless and such a burden. How have I got through 50 years alone, not seeing what was wrong? I look back and it's not since my op, I can follow the same impetuous behaviour throughout my life and it's only now I can see it, when it's too late and I'm now hurting my family by throwing away a 34k a year job. Now I've got nothing, how on earth did I let this happen?

Why can't I ever think rationally, think things through. Why do I do such illogical, emotionally charged mistakes? Why can't I be normal and think normally? My family are now paying for my state of mind, that's unforgivable

deb1960
Posts: 1611
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Where did it all go wrong?

Postby deb1960 » Mon Jun 18, 2018 6:51 am

Hi lee

In mental health loved ones will do all they can to help. That isn't wrong on your part. It's because they care and that is lovely.

You make illogical decisions because you have mental illness just as you would limp if you had a damaged leg. That sounds simplistic but lack of logic is a big part of. Mental illness. If you can take a step back before making decions that would help. But try not to beat yourself up

Deb x

capitalt
Posts: 181
Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2018 4:22 pm

Re: Where did it all go wrong?

Postby capitalt » Mon Jun 18, 2018 11:07 am

Thanks for your comments on my post, perhaps I can return the favour.
Behaviours seem so similar, my realisation came at the end of cancer treatment, exhibited some bizarre behaviours, anger,,self hate, etc.
It's now clear I've had problems through most of my life, moving job roles when I thought they were getting tough, only to step into something more challenging, ultimately leaving just as things were getting really good, yet a little uncertain, it had followed an operation for a prolapsed disc, and perhaps some depression.
I think I've done similar with relationships.
Money is now very tight, so I've had to make drastic changes, I'd not realised how bad it had got.
I've just turned 60 and am finding life extremely difficult.
I think I've blamed others a lot, and to much, only now realising I'm the problem !!
Hope this helps.


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