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Hello...I'm trying to find ways to stay alive. :-)

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stuboo
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Jun 15, 2018 11:27 am

Hello...I'm trying to find ways to stay alive. :-)

Postby stuboo » Fri Jun 15, 2018 12:00 pm

I'm Stu, 42, single for the last 7 years. Lost all contact with friends and rarely see my family. Have struggled and failed to hold down jobs. I feel that I'm at the end and have been here for years now. It's not difficult to understand why I'm alone, who would want to be a friend who is usually glum and negative. I have tried.....I can honestly say I have tried to find a happy place in life, it isn't here....for now? I became a Christian, got into exercise, tried CBT, counselling, online forums. I feel that I've exhausted every avenue and life has slowed down to a halt. To think that I might go on like this for another 10, 20, 30 years seems utterly impossible? I am at a loss what to do and that seems to be the problem, I have no hope, just a lonely existence and a hatred of myself for being so weak and pathetic.
On a brighter day I have a great sense of humour, a love of films and music and try to be a decent human being, treating people as I would hope to be treated myself. On a brighter day, people would be shocked to find out I suffer from depression.
I've joined this site in the hope I can find some inspiration.
So hello, nice to meet you.:-)

Demelza
Posts: 29
Joined: Sat May 03, 2014 12:59 am

Re: Hello...I'm trying to find ways to stay alive. :-)

Postby Demelza » Sat Jun 16, 2018 4:57 pm

Nice to meet you too.i can understand how you feel.i have struggled with depression for many years.its good you have an interest in films and music and also a sense of humour which we need to get us through sometimes.you have tried to help yourself and you are not weak.i wish I could suggest something to help you,but send best wishes to you.

betterinrecovery
Posts: 228
Joined: Mon Oct 30, 2017 10:07 pm

Re: Hello...I'm trying to find ways to stay alive. :-)

Postby betterinrecovery » Mon Jun 18, 2018 2:30 pm

Stu,
Hello to you!
I am glad you have come to try this forum.

Depression can sometimes rob us of relationships, employment e.t.c. I have experienced this.
the depression slows us down,
but we are more than just people that have depression.
'I am in the wars' my self just now,
I think that we don't just want to survive, we want to live and to live well.

hopefully will be able to speak more.
I also live by the christian faith.

B

amberametheyst
Posts: 13
Joined: Thu May 24, 2018 10:37 am

Re: Hello...I'm trying to find ways to stay alive. :-)

Postby amberametheyst » Mon Jun 18, 2018 11:01 pm

HI Stu,

Welcome and nice to 'meet' you. I don't suffer from depression but I have my own myriad of mental health conditions that leave me drained and unmotivated.

A small but useful idea might be to have a 'gratitude list'. Write down the things you enjoy/love/have that make you happy and look at it whenever you need to.

It could be as simple as a roof over your head, films you enjoy and food that you like. Sometimes it can be the smaller things that keep us going.
Personally one of the things that keep me going is my dogs (of which there are three). They motivate me to leave the house when I'm petrified with anxiety and they give me cuddles when all I can do is cry.

Sometimes it's not about having exhausted all avenues of help that exist, it is more to do with not having found the right form of support.

I hope you're having a better day.

Amber

stuboo
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Jun 15, 2018 11:27 am

Re: Hello...I'm trying to find ways to stay alive. :-)

Postby stuboo » Wed Jun 27, 2018 10:47 am

Thank you for your replies.
Yes, thinking about how fortunate you are works sometimes, but when it's been a week of feeling dreadful and you can't shake the black dog from your shoulder, realising that you are far more fortunate than millions of others in this world leads to self-loathing and a wish to destroy oneself.
I have prayed that God will bless me with an early death but maybe I don't deserve it? I'd rather turn my life around and be happy but this seems like a pipe dream
I said years ago to a psychiatrist that I think I have an addiction to thinking negatively. I don't think I could have put it any better. My attempts to think positive, be grateful etc are the equivalent of trying to hold the ocean back.

athlestan
Posts: 10
Joined: Tue Jul 03, 2018 9:03 pm

Re: Hello...I'm trying to find ways to stay alive. :-)

Postby athlestan » Tue Jul 03, 2018 11:58 pm

stuboo wrote:I said years ago to a psychiatrist that I think I have an addiction to thinking negatively. I don't think I could have put it any better. My attempts to think positive, be grateful etc are the equivalent of trying to hold the ocean back.


Hey Stu,

I am glad to have met you here. I feel your pain and said to my psychologist I could not face another 20 years like the last 20. That was 6 years ago and I am just starting my recovery after my 7th and most dramatic breakdown. Whats different this time is, sh!t I don't know, but it is. I am now thinking 30 years left is not enough!

I'm sorry, I don't have a simple answer and would not recommend the route I took (not a suicide attempt) but I now KNOW a change can happen. Trust your faith, stop pushing, and try to stop over thinking.

Negative thinking and over thinking are habits we have developed as some form of coping therefore they can be changed. Not easy, so not easy.

Try and focus on the times you have helpful thoughts, it might only be one a day/week/month at first but hold on to it, nurture it. After a while you'll start to notice these thoughts more and you will be developing a new habit. That's the process - actioning it is much harder but I believe you can do it.

Be gentle with yourself, listen to your God in everything, God has not left your side, you have only forgotten how to hear.

Keep in touch with the forums and your support network.

The world is a nicer place with you in it :-)

Hugs and Love

A


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