This evening, I scared myself. I not only questioned myself, but questioned my value and why I continue to fight to exist. I recognise this is not good, and I need help. I am not that desperate that I am going to take my own life, but even thinking that way must mean things are bad.
When I was 3 I contracted a virus which caused my pancreas to over produce insulin, I was rushed into hospital and an emergency operation was carried out to save my life, 95% of my pancreas was removed. 10 years later the remaining part of my pancreas died, meaning I developed diabetes. Couldn't have happened at a worse time in my life, for 20 years I unknowingly carried a lot of anger and suppressed emotions about diabetes and my resentment to the medical world for giving me this affliction. In 2012 the diabetes exacerbated my polycystic kidneys, to complete failure, and so began a 3 year battle to stay alive, dialysis. Half way through this journey, thanks only to my renal nurse, I was sent to see a psychologist or psychiatrist (never knew the difference) as I gave up on life and refused to dialise for 2 weeks, which nearly killed me. I opened up to the doctor and all of my issues came flooding out, this is the only reason I am still here. The doctor pointed out due to me being 33 years old, a transplant would bring an end to the dialysis and also my diabetes. This changed everything for me, the instant that sentence left her lips my skin felt electric like I had won the lottery, I knew all I had to do was fight, so I fought for another 18 months dialysis 3 sessions a week for 4 hours per session. Then in March 2014, on my 3rd call, I got my transplant. The emotional journey was unequalled, "I feel like I am riding the crest of a wave of euphoria, like I am standing on the shoulders of giants!" When you are raised up so high, the fall back down is that much further and harder.
As I am now approaching 4 years post transplant, my life feels further away from normal, which is all I ever wanted, than I can remember. Last September I lost my grandma to renal failure, it wasn't a surprise but it was devestating. I have approached my transplant team for support, but have been faced with a lack of interest, if it isn't a physical problem, the renal specialist Doctors show very little interest at all. When I approached a GP about my low mood and possible depression was met with ' you are alive, how good your life is is about your quality of life '
No one helped me to get my life back together, help with benefit entitlement, getting a job. Due to a series of events I am without a job, without transport, isolated, no family no support, I am stuck in a house that I am paying to rent out of my sickness benefits and as the landlord refuses to give me a tenancy agreement, I am not able to get social housing, so am also feeling trapped. I have also been ripped off over the sale of a car. My head swims whenever I am awake yet I am so stressed by everything that is occurring I cannot sleep.
People who meet me, tell me what I have done is inspirational, but this feels like a kick in the teeth, I don't want to be put on a pedestal and praised, I just want a normal life. It is no surprise to me that so many people suffer with mental health issues, as life today does not throw one problem a time at you, they arrive like buses. I for one want off this ride, but don't know where to turn.
I am thankful for the medical professionals and the physical help I have received.
I wonder should I be thinking of anti depressants to suppress these feelings, I worry that that is a temporary fix for a significant problem, the effect antibiotics have on an infection is visible and quantifiable. I know everyone's experience is as individual as they are, but I would really like to hear if anyone has any thoughts or can relate to anything I have described? #kickisolationsass.