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Newbie :) confused one day I'm ok the next I'm not

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d08an2412
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Feb 26, 2018 5:48 am

Newbie :) confused one day I'm ok the next I'm not

Postby d08an2412 » Mon Feb 26, 2018 6:57 am

Hi I'm new my name is dawn , I'm diagnosed with cyclothmia 4 years ago and then 2 years ago eupd after I opened up to psychiatrist and told them I had o/d 3 times without anyone knowing and the extent of what I did I was passed to pd services team who gave me Dbt therapy which I completed and learned a lot . I'm confused to what's happening with me and any advise would be appreciated . This is me one day I'll wake up feeling worrying about what I've got to do that day and whom I've got to interact with post man boyfriend friend answering my phone as it all feels to much . Then my sister will call for a chat my friend will call and my Cuzz will call . As I said cyclo and eubp the more contact I have with others stresses me so much I break down and feel out of control because I'm having to deal with too many people , constantly anxious would rathe deal and do all this but it's a big effort . I do it then I have all them conversations will everyone punishing myself because I'm trying to be the person that I feel I should be with each person etc etc because I want to support them too . After I constantly worry if my response was right did they understand me ARE THE JUDGING ME ETC TO A POINT that I can't have interactions with people too much as I feel it's to stressful for me and self loath thing s/h o/d because I've had a conversation and that conversation I could not hear properly as I was so anxious and feel ashamed . At times I'll isolate myself from most as I get peace from my thoughts . So the more contact I have the worse it gets . I'll get in control after being in bed for a week after laying in bed in a still position knowing eventually I'll go to sleep when I wake up I'm panicky because I feel reality again and can't cope so lay still in the same position praying to sleep . There comes a point where i have to get up for a wee and it angers me so much as it disturbs my peace if u get me . Then gradually I build up the strength to get up and as I'm feeling more able to cope with people . So then of I go start answering my phone talking to friends realise I've got an app this week . Then I get so stressed out because of contact and having to have conversations with people then i cope for a few days then 2 other friends will call and now I'm talking to a handful of people and by having conversations I get so confused insecure paranoid thinking to my self this is way to much for me all these people talking and I'm anxious in the conversations constant worrying did I say that right ? When I said this have they took offence and now hate me , because there was pauses in conv they think what's her problem ? All I know every interaction gives me so many thoughts guilty hating who I am feeling worthless and so angry at myself that I then want to take it out on myself then back to square one can't sleep for days hoping someone will call me back to give me validation I was not that bad or what I said they understood and was thinking won't here from them again because I'm me .then the worrying continues more and more go back to bed because I feel so overwhelmed with emotion I'm paralized phone switched off going thru a million thoughts an hour thinking about a lot of other things too and just stay in bed waking up wishing I didn't crying trying to sleep more then days pass again . Have so many panic attacks it's unreal and I hate it so much makes my life in copable . Also the frustration I get because I just cant cope with to many interaction . Sorry to go on also in the course of a day I have extreme thoughts fear thoughts and intrusive thoughts . When I'm able to cope on them few days I feel so good because I'm coping and have fantasy thoughts that I'm going to write a book and get it published , I'm going to get my own business , feel I can do anything underneath the surface if I was on a train station I would have to think about what my thoughts are and hope for the best . I can be good for days and the world is perfect but one word in a sentance that's said to me my whole world falls apart and down the hole I go again . Does anyone understand this please feel ashamed that This is me and I want to cope with interactions but every time I try I feel like a failure and get frustrated and so depressed to a very low level I hope I'm not on my own and that there is someone who understands and can relate to me thanks Dawn

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