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tecy30
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Feb 24, 2018 1:05 pm

Hello Im new here.

Postby tecy30 » Sat Feb 24, 2018 1:27 pm

Hello everyone.

I'm new here, and was refereed here by another service. Right now I feel a whole host of emotions which is difficult to pin point where each one belongs. I'm not sure how much I should write, so here is a brief bite of it.

Never fitted in at school, scared of many things including going places that I was not familiar, interactions with kids, and spending most of my time scared of what mite happen. Adult hood much the same thing, but by then I had learnt how to fake being "normal" to some degree, but could only hold this up for short amounts of time.

Things that seemingly everyone else does in life like make friends, go to clubs, pubs, social events, holidays, drive to places many miles away where all a huge deal to me, so much so I avoided them as while they seem fun to some, these where a nightmare just at the thought of it.

Work became the same, a struggle at best. I could not integrate in, and felt ill before going every day. Some physical health problems came my way which took me out of work, this was a slow decline in my mental health sinking me deeper and deeper into isolation which became a comfort, yet a hindrance to me while my world grew smaller, and smaller.

Things just kept getting worse, and my view of the world became an unattractive harsh reality. The people whom I once regarding as the ones who where there to protect showed that even they are just as corrupt as the rest of us, only they hide behind this so called "professional" label of authority.

Eventually my age caught up with me hitting my 40s, a time to reflect on my life and what I had achieved. The very substance of what I held as truth was fraying at the edges, as my disillusioned silence to the world had shifted to anger at myself for not living up to what I should have been aware of.

Being refereed to therapy took a unexpected turn on me where I found my self falling in love with my therapist, yet it wasn't actually love, it was more painful. The setting of that environment calls it Transference, the worse experience of my life, and the closes point to my death. The system that was to look after me had failed, I knew at my last session that there was zero care involved, only duty. This had such a drastic effect on me that even years later Im still not over it.

The problems of life that come to all of us can be managed, but at times they overlap so that even the small problems in relative comparison to the bigger ones can heap up like clay being added layer upon layer adding more weight. Each level of this system shows it cracks, and Iv become so aware of this to the point that my fears of the unknown have become a known reality.

I gave up, I became numb, I stopped planning ahead, and excepted that life for me was over regardless if it had come early or not. The system that had somewhat sustained me has broken me. The people that I trusted have betrayed me, the care that I put my hands in have forgotten me, however the truth is they never knew me in order to forget me, just as I never knew my therapist who had abandoned me.

I eventually had a diagnosis of Autism, depression, and all that comes with that. I was once very driven by my compulsive nature to succeed. That drive was within my small world, and never included anyone outside it. My art, music, and efforts could not escape my world in which I lived, the world was too big for me, too scary, too complicated. All I wanted was to be loved, and love back, connect with someone who understood me, and give of myself to those who deserved me.

In the cruel imagination of my mind, the setting of therapy unleashed me to someone who just didnt care back, a professional friend whom was there because they where paid to be there, and extract my deepest thoughts to put them down of cheap paper. I was stored in a filing cabinet, and forgotten. Goodbye! I wish you all the best she said, and turned her back and didnt look back.


Thank you.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1516
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Hello Im new here.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Feb 25, 2018 5:08 am

Hi

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. I did write a long response but my net connection cut out and I don't have the time to rewrite.

I wanted to know why you feel achievement is important.
I also said that, as distressing as rejection is, you have proved that you are capable of love and that taking the risk to be vulnerable with others outside of a professional setting may lead to similar bonds being forged and perhaps reciprocated. What do you think?

tecy30
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Feb 24, 2018 1:05 pm

Re: Hello Im new here.

Postby tecy30 » Sun Feb 25, 2018 7:10 pm

andthistoomustpass wrote:Hi

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. I did write a long response but my net connection cut out and I don't have the time to rewrite.

I wanted to know why you feel achievement is important.
I also said that, as distressing as rejection is, you have proved that you are capable of love and that taking the risk to be vulnerable with others outside of a professional setting may lead to similar bonds being forged and perhaps reciprocated. What do you think?


Thanks for your reply. The achievement Im looking at is to be stable in my life and not having to live on such low money on benefits, I dont want that, but Im just too ill to do anything about it. It was by trying that landed me in a much worse way, suicidal, and self harming.

The chances of developing meaningful relationships outside a therapy settings is slim as I dont go out anywhere. I not comfortable even going to family get together's. The reason I opened up in therapy was because I was tolerated by someone who was paid to pretend to care. It was nothing more than a simulation of how to get hurt by a fake relationship in which was all in my own head, however at the time I didnt not know this could happen. When I left I was crushed with no follow up appointments, no contact. Im left with a larger wall up than before. Iv been in groups where I can see a potential friend with only the ones that run the groups, but I know that cannot happen, so Im closed up. Im also very afraid of transference as its much worse than just rejection from a stranger its like being rejected by your sole mate, with the conflicting knowledge that you dont actually know them at all.

I still have the autistic issues Im trying to work out. I had only been diagnosed recently so my coping mechanisms that have been made over all my life are now at question because they where not very helpful, but more survival.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1516
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Hello Im new here.

Postby andthistoomustpass » Mon Feb 26, 2018 3:54 pm

Hi

I don't have any experience of Autism so I can only talk from the perspective of being isolated, having a low opinion of ourselves and being afraid of others.

That achievement sounds like a good goal to have. It is also important that we accept ourselves and don't beat ourselves up if we are not quite up to progressing at any given time. We are who we are in the moment.

It is horrible being isolated. I changed that relatively recently, starting with support groups, etc.

Why do you think you only felt like a connection was possible with the facilitators?

I may be totally off target with this but I'm wondering if that was because they were the safest option. That it was too scary to try to get to know others. I'm also wondering if you put too much stress on each interaction and focus too many hopes on each person you think you might develop a connection with. I have found I get on better with individuals when I think of them as one among many rather than someone special. I am less concerned about their every reaction and less demanding that way.

You describe only being 'tolerated' by someone paid to care. Sounds like you may be being a bit harsh on yourself. So long as you have or can develop basic social skills based on respecting both yourself and others, I am sure you will click with someone sooner or later.

A friend of mine has made friends through an Autism / Aspergers support group. Do you think you might want to try again one day?

tecy30
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Feb 24, 2018 1:05 pm

Re: Hello Im new here.

Postby tecy30 » Tue Feb 27, 2018 12:25 pm

andthistoomustpass wrote:Hi

I don't have any experience of Autism so I can only talk from the perspective of being isolated, having a low opinion of ourselves and being afraid of others.


The spectrum is quite wide, I didnt know I had it till recently into my 40s, so my experience of it was without any attention to a label be that good or bad. For me everything in the world seems far to scary and complicated, from large halls, to too many people. Im on alert of my surroundings which can become a overload, like if you had the ability to hear everyone in the room at once, only Im taking in information that is not of use to me. The feeling is uncomfortable, yet looking from a distance wish I could interact like others. I spent my life avoiding interactions, and confrontations. A small problem can feel gigantic, and many bigger problems can make me feel suicidal.

That achievement sounds like a good goal to have. It is also important that we accept ourselves and don't beat ourselves up if we are not quite up to progressing at any given time. We are who we are in the moment.


Hitting the 40s there does seem a urgency to look back and wonder what on earth has happen. Form me its not about what I didnt do out of choice, its what my condition has limited me to do, and not knowing where I was making excuses, and where it was not my fault.

It is horrible being isolated. I changed that relatively recently, starting with support groups, etc.


I had went on a one support group, that sent me into a very deep depression. In my current group its better as its more positive focused, the lady taking the course seems real, enthusiastic, and easy to get on with.

Why do you think you only felt like a connection was possible with the facilitators?


During therapy I had one on one, that took me down a dark path. In first group, I didnt feel any connection with them as I didnt get that one to one, plus they didnt have that vibe what ever that is. The current group, well the group is so small, iv had more time with the one taking the group, thats where I see a person that reflects who id like to be around, positive uplifting, confident, and someone that nurturing which may reflect back to underling childhood issues and why I had some a dramatic transference which as I said, was so deep cutting hurtful. I have no connection with others whom either keep me on the same level, or bring me down. I can be uplifting to others in distress, but can only sustain that for a short while when Im at my best. I dont do well to dwell in my own misery, thinking of all my issues, but prosper when Im focusing things outside myself. Unfortunately my depression anxiety hits me bad, that takes me out of the frame.

I may be totally off target with this but I'm wondering if that was because they were the safest option. That it was too scary to try to get to know others. I'm also wondering if you put too much stress on each interaction and focus too many hopes on each person you think you might develop a connection with. I have found I get on better with individuals when I think of them as one among many rather than someone special. I am less concerned about their every reaction and less demanding that way.


Yes your right, they are safe, but in control, and when Im loosing it I need someone to take me back to the right direction. Knowing others for me would mean to be on or above my level of thinking, and outlook when Im at my best. My problem is I dont have a natural ability to connect to people, or interact, this is partly because Im so isolated, but that isolation feels safer than being uncomfortable around people. Im very much aware that if Im not comfortable then my body language will send signals, Im very self aware.

You describe only being 'tolerated' by someone paid to care. Sounds like you may be being a bit harsh on yourself. So long as you have or can develop basic social skills based on respecting both yourself and others, I am sure you will click with someone sooner or later.


Basic social skills that where developed as a un diagnosed autistic person meant I had to act how others excepted me, but because it was not real I would break down revealing a person with lack of confidence, and social skills. I could only hold this persona a short period then Id feel like the walls are closing in on me, face getting hot like I got the spot light on me. I could see my therapist trying to block me out with her body language, covering her ears, facial expression, at times speaking with a angry undertone, and finally holding the door open on last session silent, emotionless.

A friend of mine has made friends through an Autism / Aspergers support group. Do you think you might want to try again one day?


Maybe yes if im still alive by then. Thanks for your replies, and support.


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