Search

Support Forum

SANE Support Forum

Just don’t know how to help anymore

If you're new and want to say hello...
mumtofour
Posts: 17
Joined: Thu Feb 22, 2018 11:28 am

Just don’t know how to help anymore

Postby mumtofour » Fri Feb 23, 2018 9:21 am

So my husband of 9years (partner of 15) suffers with depression yet he won’t admit it about 5 years ago he was on medication but after 6months went cold turkey and stopped it by himself for a few years he seemed fine but two years ago his Aunty passed away, he was very close to her and this set him back, still not gets very upset with it which I do know everyone deals with grief differently, but just recently he seems to have spiralled again, being really paroide accusing me of sleeping around or not doing enough, says that we don’t talk and that maybe I make him feel like he he apologisers afterwards but this makes me feel not good enough.I know he’s only being like this because he’s feeling very low and has very low self esteem and for some reason it’s his way of having a blow out then making him feel better for a few days ,he wakes in nights say 1-2 times a month having a panic attack where he struggles to breath and don’t know the cause of it. he don’t really talk to anyone and won’t do councilig as isn’t very good with talking to people yet he also won’t go to the docs to discuss medication as he said he don’t want to be taking tablets... I’m at a loss of what I can do to help now and it’s getting t the point where it’s starting to make me depressed, I feel worried sick about our live and what’s going to happen I’m worried about his illness and it just getting worse, I feel useless as I want to help him get better but I can’t. we do have a lot of stresses which I’m sure anyone with 4 kids will know it’s not easy to manage them and being at work to come home to arguing kids adds more stress as it feels like all we are doing is telling them off which in turn makes us not want to go out anywhere with them etc etc sorry if this didn’t make sense but I needed to write it down hope someone can make sense of all this and give me a bit of advice on how to deal with this

mumtofour
Posts: 17
Joined: Thu Feb 22, 2018 11:28 am

Re: Just don’t know how to help anymore

Postby mumtofour » Fri Feb 23, 2018 9:21 am

So today I just feel utterly deflated, coming on here and letting it out seems to help a little husband said last night that he thinks the route cause is his work, being a lorry driver he works long hours is on his own 99.9% of the time andnthengets home and not being able to do anything with us as a family. He wants to quit his Job and start a business on his own, I do believe he can make it work but in the short run I think it’s going to have a bigger impact on his and only health with no income apart from my part time wage, and lots of out goings I can see this being very tough! He’s been a lorry driver for the last 14 years so I don’t understand why know he’s saying that’s the cause! I don’t think the driving is the cause but the new Job which he started just after christmas, As he has spiralled since being there, I’ve suggested leaving the job and finding something else but that he won’t do he just said he wants to quit although, with having 4 kids to look after a mortgage to pay for I don’t think this is very realistic :( fells like there’s no point in me even giving my opinion as he’ll do what he wants anyway. I’m so worried about what lays ahead

vitasw
Posts: 40
Joined: Mon Feb 19, 2018 9:09 pm

Re: Just don’t know how to help anymore

Postby vitasw » Sat Feb 24, 2018 12:53 am

Hi mumtofour,

I'm sorry I'm not going to be able to give very good advice on helping your husband. And that's mainly because I don't think you can fix this for him - you clearly are a very loving and supporting partner. You've discussed options with him that he hasn't chosen to go down (like medication and counseling) you believe in him and his career ambitions, you've even suggested he leave the job he says is the cause of problem even though you realise how difficult this would be financially. I think you are doing everything that you can. I also think that it's not okay that he takes his depression out on you (by accusing you of cheating and making you feel like you are not good enough). Even if he is sorry afterwards, depression isn't an excuse for this behavior (I say as someone with depression and anxiety who has probably done similar things myself).

I say all this to make sure that you are also being supported, this situation is also very hard on you and you can't place all this responsibility on yourself.

I wonder if you've considered having counselling yourself? It might help you cope with the difficult situation you are in and maybe it will prompt your husband to realize that counseling is a viable option for him.

I hope this didn't come across as judgey or overly critical, I just wanted to point out that your needs and wellbeing are as important as your husbands

All the best,

V

Isap
Posts: 1636
Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: Just don’t know how to help anymore

Postby Isap » Sat Feb 24, 2018 5:43 am

That's a lovely post V and a credit to this forum nobody else could have expressed it better

Actually I've been a bit down on this forum recently, it seems to me (I may be wrong) that there are one or two toindividuals using their illness to wallow in self pity or for justifying intolerant behavior, although that sounds judgmental. It's good to read about a genuine concern requiring immediate attention and support.

Isap xx

mumtofour
Posts: 17
Joined: Thu Feb 22, 2018 11:28 am

Re: Just don’t know how to help anymore

Postby mumtofour » Sun Feb 25, 2018 10:07 am

Hello v and thanks for the reply, I really am considering coinciding for myself as it just seems to be building up and building up I’m not eating not sleeping properly (when I do I wake up with sweats), I feel constantly on edge like if I’m not talking to him 24hours a day he thinks something is wrong, ( I don’t think it’s normal for anyone to talk that much but hey what do I know).

I know I need support to but I really don’t have anyone I can talk to about it,

The last couple of mornings I’ve woke up instantly feeling rubbish and wanting to just cry, husband has decided as of April he isn’t going to work anymore and he’s going to focus on making his business work, this fills me with dread not that I don’t believe in him and it working just that what will happen if it fails, ourselves and our children will suffer how will all our out gpings get paid, what if he finishes his work and then thinks that isn’t the reason his depression is peaking, and starts to think it’s our relationship which causes it ( which he has said before tried to say I make him the way he is sometimes)

He’s also said I should help him more by telling him to do things like reading to the kids and suggesting to go out places, but he don’t seem to understand that I don’t have the motivation for this either!!

mumtofour
Posts: 17
Joined: Thu Feb 22, 2018 11:28 am

Re: Just don’t know how to help anymore

Postby mumtofour » Wed Mar 07, 2018 8:08 am

Another step in the right direction hubby has now been and got tabs from the docs although not actually took them as of yet
But it’s a starting position, he’s still not sleeping at night which is getting frustrating as he wants to be up talking to me and it makes me feel guilty about wanting to sleep as he can’t if that makes sense, I’m mentally drained, how many of you actually spend the majority of your time talking to partner when home? As he seems to think that we should talk constantly and it’s becoming hard work, surely I’m right in thinking no one can talk 24/7?

alpha
Posts: 8
Joined: Thu Mar 08, 2018 2:29 am

Re: Just don’t know how to help anymore

Postby alpha » Fri Mar 09, 2018 7:50 am

Hi mumoffour,

Whenever complex situations arise, and it impacts a family unit, the first thoughts always turn to the children, as a parent that is natural. Hats off to you and your husband, reflect on what you have achieved so far and the journey you have taken, together, you have 4 children, that is something to be immensely proud of.
Reading your post, I am not trying to justify your husband's behaviour, but know that it is those that we are closest to, are the ones we turn to and often lash out at, use as an emotional punch bag, when things get too much.
Life is a journey, and as well prepared as we can be for every eventuality, unfortunately there are always unforseen situations. We all think about the future, but worrying about it takes energy.
Being sleep deprived, not eating properly, feeling low and down along with the stresses of every day life, you too may become unwell, and again this relates back to my first comment.
Being emotionally controlled in a relationship is not a relationship, I am not suggesting you give up on what you have together, but you do need to make it clear that this is severely impacting on the whole family, and that it needs to change.
Communication or the lack of it is the cause of and solution to all problems.
You really should discuss this with someone ithink your doctor would be a good start.
#kickisolationsass.

mumtofour
Posts: 17
Joined: Thu Feb 22, 2018 11:28 am

Re: Just don’t know how to help anymore

Postby mumtofour » Thu Mar 15, 2018 7:45 am

Thanks for getting back to me alpha and sorry I’m only just getting back, Friday took a turn for the worse with events and my husband tried to take his own life, cut his wrists took and over dose and smashed up our car. I really don’t know how I can deal with this is have so many mixed feelings going on with trying to be strong for our children and him at the same. Time it’s untrue one min I hate him for what he has done to all of us and the next min I feel so upset and guilty for not being able to help him before. Then also worrying about what will happen n the future. He’s currently in a mental health hospital getting the help he needs but I’m struggling to hold it all together :(

alpha
Posts: 8
Joined: Thu Mar 08, 2018 2:29 am

Re: Just don’t know how to help anymore

Postby alpha » Sat Mar 17, 2018 4:22 am

Hi again mumoffour,

That is hard for me to even read, I cannot begin to imagine the impact it is having on everyone in your life. Your children will need you more than ever right now, as I am sure they are scared and confused by recent events. Children are amazingly resilliant and are able to adapt to situations very quickly, honesty about the situation will prevent the children from blaming themselves for what has happened, don't feel you need to protect them from the truth.
You will need support through this tough time, financial, emotional and physical, please be strong and don't allow the stigma surrounding mental health from preventing you seeking help. I strongly suggest you contact any creditors regarding payments, a good place to start would be your bank, make an appointment with your branch manager if you have the time or energy, they should be able to assist.
Try to only deal with 1 problem at a time, and finance, if left can cause many sleepless nights through worry.
Remember you can always turn here for support.
#kickisolationsass

vitasw
Posts: 40
Joined: Mon Feb 19, 2018 9:09 pm

Re: Just don’t know how to help anymore

Postby vitasw » Mon Mar 19, 2018 3:28 pm

Hi mumtofour,

I'm so sorry to hear that, my heart goes out to you completely.

All the best,

V


Return to “Newbies Room”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 7 guests