Thanks cmidd, I appreciate you taking the time to respond. It means a lot.
I'm glad that you have found your happy after a difficult time, and come through stronger and happier than before.
I completely agree with you about money meaning nothing, unfortunately not everyone in society views it that way, and there is a feeling that if you have 'things' you should be grateful so 'stop moaning'. However those 'things' aren't what's important to me. I miss having someone who was there for me, who had my back, even the small things you take for granted like having someone to say goodnight or good morning too. That being said, apparently I didn't have someone who was truly there for me, or had my back. So coming to terms with that lie on top of the current loneliness is difficult. When you throw in the uncertainty of what my future looks like, it just becomes a bit overwhelming and then I have no-one to talk to about that, so it just keeps going round in circles and driving me crazy.
My ex was a narcissist and a gas lighter (I've done a lot of psychological research to try and understand what happened) and part of her controlling led me to discard all my friends and agree not to go out, cut off all contact. It sounds crazy when I sit down to write it out, but sometimes we do things for an easy life. Anyway, I've pushed a lot of people who did care away in my past and it would feel like using them now to go back, apologise and try to make amends.
I've gone from an incredibly confident, outgoing person, to someone with social anxiety who is scared to go out and meet people. Therefore whilst your suggestion of getting out makes sense, and I know it's right, it's makes me anxious and isn't easy. That's just something I need to work through. I've also sunk into a depression which has made me lethargic, with zero motivation. I can't even sit in my living room as there's too many memories, instead I live in a bedroom when home. I understand that is simply hiding from the world, but I don't know how to take the step to get back out there. Or particularly want to right now. Don't get me wrong, I work from home but do go out to client meetings, and also drag myself to the gym every day, however I just go home and straight to my room thereafter. It's no way to live. In fact, it's not living, simply existing. I'd really like to start living again.