For years now I haven’t felt great, I put this down to getting older and things changing as they do, but it seems to have been going on for a bit too long.
For a bit of background i was in the Royal Navy for 27 years and had a fulfilling career, but a bad event happened in the family with one of my children being abused by my brother that obviously hit me for 6.
At the time I had to put a strong face on to support my wife and all of my children, especially during court trials, but each day was a struggle getting out of bed, I did get counselling through the Royal Navy which helped and I kind of put it behind me, but haven’t been the same since, I thought this was just life and dealing with things.
I started a new job last year and everything seems to be going well (well I haven’t had any complaints), but if find it difficult getting motivated to complete the tasks I am assigned, and then remain awake thinking how useless I am and that I am letting myself and everyone else down (even though no one has said anything, I worry it will all boil over).
The job I do I have to manage quite a few people and it is very technical with many meetings and a lot of report reading/writing, and I think my concentration and general ability seems so much worse than it used to (I have been putting this down to getting older, but I am only in my mid to late 40's).
I worry constantly I will lose my job and then all the things that fall out of that, house repossessed etc and that I have/will let everyone down.
It also affects my home life where I can’t be bothered going out, or doing the little DIY jobs let alone the larger jobs. I find some nights its difficult to sleep even though I can be quite tired all day, but other nights are fine.
Like I said the feedback I have had so far is that my line manager is happy with my work, but I know I could be so much better and do so much more in the time at work, but I just slowly plod along even to the point of procrastination when I need to be getting on with things.
It wasn't until today when I typed in to Google 'why can’t I be bothered with anything' that I started reading some posts and think maybe this could be depression? I’m not sure I just feel like I am lazy and don’t deserve what I have, and it will all come crashing down.
I haven’t spoken to my family about this as it seems difficult to me, I suppose they way I was brought up the father was the strong one keeping things together, so that’s what I do.
Some days seem better than others where I might think 'right, pull your socks up' but after a few hours this generally disappears and I am back to where I was.
I know I should probably speak to my GP, otherwise i wouldn't have posted on here, but other people problems seem so much worse than mine, and mine wouldn't be problems if I could just stick a rocket up my back side.
anyway, any thoughts would be appreciated.