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sunnysideofthings
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2018 12:45 am

unsure

Postby sunnysideofthings » Thu Feb 08, 2018 1:13 am

This is the first time I have posted in a forum. I have so much to say, and yet am completely speachless. I've often thought of writing a book of my life, but realize now it would simply be the ranting of a undiagnosed___?
I am just going to give it a go...rant starts here

I am in my early 30s, attractive by most reports, employed and financially secure and self supporting, and successful for my age. I have built my own house, have 10 acres of land, a beautiful car, and almost my every physical wish realized...and I am completely alone.

I want to say I have ruined relationship after relationship, but I can't say that it was completely my fault. I have either chosen relationships which were doomed to fail, or been the reason they failed. I have been called "crazy" by each one of my partners at one time or another. I am too the point where I do not argue this anymore, but look in curiosity wondering what patterns I can't see. I call myself the 3 week girl. Though the timeline has varied from weeks, to months, to years, I have continually been the woman men fall madly crazy head over heals for, only to shut down and leave or become so withdrawn that I eventually ask them to leave. I have been accused of being hypercritical, overemotional, too serious, intense, and just writing this I am overwhelming myself. I wouldnt want to be with someone with those qualities. I would never want anyone to stay with me who felt that way, and yet, instead of telling me they wait and shut down more and more, then eventually there is no love left, only animosity. Though several of the men in which relationships have ended with wanted me back after it ended(both when it was their decision and mine),several have not. I am independent to a fault. There is little I cannot do, having grown up with a father who wanted a son, I can do everything from weld, change my oil, run heavy equiptment or fish. I also have training in massage therapy and look descent in a dress(men usually say more than desent). Yet...I just ended my 3rd relationship in which I was engaged to be married...

can somebody out there relate or help... I know I need help, I want to help myself, but I do not know where to begin. I have done everything from acupuncture and alanon, to traditional counceling and EMDR for PTSD(I have anxiety, depression, ptsd and every partner tells me I also am bipolar, yet my therapists have all disagreed thus far. I dont want to be this person who just can't see what they are doing. please advise. Prayers for all of those who struggle. Peace

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: unsure

Postby amaya » Thu Feb 08, 2018 1:46 pm

Have you read anything about the very badly named borderline personality disorder. The mind website is a good place to start. The model for the development of this is emotionally sensitive child experiences some kind of trauma and experiences difficulties in relationships and attachments. That is the oversimplified version. It might not have anything to do with you of course. But I see some of the traits in your story.

How awesome you built your own house. I would love to do that. In fact, if I had the money I just would :)

sunnysideofthings
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2018 12:45 am

Re: unsure

Postby sunnysideofthings » Fri Feb 09, 2018 12:04 am

Thank you for the suggestion. I have read about it, but will look into it more thoroughly. The therapist(s) I have seen would never commit to anything beyond anxiety/ depression, despite asking. They have always said I lacked certain key features for anything else... I am not asking for another diagnosis, but understanding would be so helpful. I had more traumas than I can count throughout my life, or want to rehash here, so the therapists always said it is difficult to diagnose someone when they have what they actually called Complex PTSD, which I guess is what they told me the official diagnosis would be. THank you so much for your feedback. I truely appreciate it. Makes me feel lesss like I need to hide and be ashamed of myself, my usual response to my many life's failures. Blessings to you

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: unsure

Postby amaya » Fri Feb 09, 2018 10:52 am

I have complex ptsd too. The psychiatrist I saw recently has told me that he thinks the personality disorder traits that I also have could disappear completely if the trauma was successfully treated. I see a lot of parallels between us. How effect do you feel the EMDR was?

sunnysideofthings
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2018 12:45 am

Re: unsure

Postby sunnysideofthings » Sat Feb 10, 2018 1:50 am

I stopped before finishing because my therapist went somewhere else, and I started medication for the first itme in my life and didn't feel it was as effective. Those initial changes though, wow. My mother was my biggest trigger, everything she did would set me back, sometimes to a "blackout" of something that happened, sometimes a massive panic attach, or other times it would send me spiraling into a depressed/ suicidal/ worthlessness I wouldnt kick for days. After EMDR I could be around her without my skin crawling. I truely reached forgiveness, empathy, and felt not only love but legitimate respect and pride for my mother. This is a woman I couldnt stand my entire life, and the main source of the PTSD. However, I dont know if there is a way the witnessed relationship, learned behavior could be modified with EMDR. That would be my personal wish. I feel that I have taken on a lot of the very woman I wanted to be nothing like, and I don't know how to change that. If you have not done EMDR you are suffering for no reason. Life after EMDR is like actually living, for the first time. If you stick it out and at least resolve some of your triggers, you will not regret it. Get back to me if you want more details, I couldnt recommend it more. Thanks for your comment.

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: unsure

Postby amaya » Sat Feb 10, 2018 11:46 am

Thanks that is really good to hear. I am very happy that it helped you in this way. Not sure I want to take on anything from my mother though haha that kinda put me off it. I am going through a referral process now I guess I will have to see it for myself.

Do you think you want to do it again to finish it off, or do you feel that it is not necessary? And how many sessions did you have?

sunnysideofthings
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2018 12:45 am

Re: unsure

Postby sunnysideofthings » Sun Feb 11, 2018 3:06 am

Haha, sorry. I became like my mother, I would assume, because of living with her and learning her behavioral/ emotional coping skills. I did not get that through EMDR. It has only helped me. I think I did between 6-8 sessions and we worked through at least 3 different triggers. I am certain not every therapist doees it the same. I really pushed to get as much progress as soon as possible. I would do it again, and I have done one session, but being on medication now it is harder to get triggered, and the issues I have are broader at this point. Instead of one thing triggering me, it is more like certain patterns trigger me. We tried to work through one relationship issue, but have never really dove in. Thank you for asking me this question, I think it might be time to call my therapist and see about tidying up some of my other challenges!

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: unsure

Postby amaya » Sun Feb 11, 2018 3:06 pm

Thanks for the explanations :)

I think it sounds like it might be a good idea. I am getting a good sense of hope from seeing that you are finding ways to work through everything. Even if it seems we are in a complicated process.


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