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New & confused.

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Joined: Wed Feb 07, 2018 4:52 pm

New & confused.

Postby naweez » Wed Feb 07, 2018 5:18 pm

Hello everyone,

I thought I would try and explain my life & my feelings in the hope that someone will understand me.

I am 24 years old. When I was 14 is when all my hateful feelings happened, my parents were going through a terrible divorce which resulted in me self harming, Everything I ever knew was crumbling beneath my feet and dropping out of school. So that is where everything stemmed from.

After a few wars I struggled with my feelings and taking everything to heart, seeing doctors who are diagnosing me with depression and anxiety, I took the medication but kept it a secret as my family don’t approve and think I am making it all up and I’m screaming for attention. So I kept it all as a secret tried to keep it all a secret until my dad found out and couldn’t believe that I was taking anti depressants and made me feel so low for it, I stopped taking them completely and I had a funny thought that I could get by without them.

After I came off my medication I convinced myself my life was fine, I had a boyfriend of 5 years at the age of 21 and my life was fine, I could confide in him and he would try and help. But after 2 miscarriages with him he still stood by my side and I was back at rock bottom. I couldn’t even tell my family about this heartbreak as thenimpression as always, everyone’s life is perfect but I lie and make up rubbish. So it was kept a secret.

Again moving on from that other devastating part of my life, I hit another wall (literally) when I was a pedestrian on the pavement when someone mounted it and crashed into me, and into a wall. Now this to me has got to be a turning point for the worst, the accident occurred metres away from my home, and everything from there focused on some type of OCE anxiety about being home all the time. I was in a rut, I was 22, I didn’t go out and socialise, all I did was work and go home, I was terrified of going outside, and I still couldn’t really tell you why I had this fear. I always went to the bustop 45 mins early in the fear of being late. If I was visiting family I’d be looking at the clock wanting to go home (why, I do not know as I had nothing to go home for) .

This was a reoccurring daily obsession I couldn’t shift. Until I got an amazing opportunity to go and work abroad, I loved travelling and didn’t get the chance to with work, I jumped at the thought, didn’t really want to over think it as I knew if I didn’t like it. I could come home.... I took the job and I lasted 18 months, with a few months break in between but when I came home, I would spend 4 out of the 6 weeks home without leaving my front door. The depression and anxiety hit me hard like a wave I thought I was drowning, family and friends couldn’t understand and this caused arguments as I wouldn’t visit them I’d be gone again.

I am now back home after my amazing adventure where I didn’t feel this horrible anxiety and depression, I was a new person and I thought I was ready to come home and be that new person but a few months I’m, I’m terrified. I’m messing up at work, giving myself panic attacks and seriously committing and shaking. I have never felt so alone, I cannot go to family as I said before they don’t believe anyone has problems. I don’t have a lot of friends as I always refuse to go out due to the anxiety so I’m left with my friends who are hundreds of miles scattered around the world who aren’t here.

I am struggling everyday to keep the smile on my face, I’ve lost all my confidence. It is now Wednesday and I haven’t left my house since Sunday.

I’d love to know anyone else’s stories to make me feel I am not alone.


Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2018 12:45 am

Re: New & confused.

Postby sunnysideofthings » Thu Feb 08, 2018 1:29 am

Oh dear, this is heartbreaking to hear. You are so young, and you have such struggles. Know that you are not alone, and that there are thousands of people out there struggling with the same mental and emotionally challenges. It is brave, and wise of you to try to reach out and connect. Continue to do so! Do not lose hope. It is interesting that the anxiety only occurs when you return home. Have you spoken with a doc about your anxiety? Do they do EMDR wherever you are? Peace hope and love

Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: New & confused.

Postby amaya » Thu Feb 08, 2018 1:22 pm

I think you need to go to the GP and ask for a referral to a community mental health team so that you can see a psychiatrist and psychologist about diagnosis that will help to give you the right kind of therapy. The problems you have had since childhood can be an indication of various mental health issues. But it seems to me like something that will get better with treatment and the right kind of attention and support. From reading your story I can see a pattern that I think it will be hard to get better without that kind of support. I think if you reach out for some help the rest of your life can be a much happier story. The good times you are able to have when you are away from your triggers show what kind of potential you have and it would be a shame to miss out on that and get stuck from not asking for help.

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