I thought I would try and explain my life & my feelings in the hope that someone will understand me.
I am 24 years old. When I was 14 is when all my hateful feelings happened, my parents were going through a terrible divorce which resulted in me self harming, Everything I ever knew was crumbling beneath my feet and dropping out of school. So that is where everything stemmed from.
After a few wars I struggled with my feelings and taking everything to heart, seeing doctors who are diagnosing me with depression and anxiety, I took the medication but kept it a secret as my family don’t approve and think I am making it all up and I’m screaming for attention. So I kept it all as a secret tried to keep it all a secret until my dad found out and couldn’t believe that I was taking anti depressants and made me feel so low for it, I stopped taking them completely and I had a funny thought that I could get by without them.
After I came off my medication I convinced myself my life was fine, I had a boyfriend of 5 years at the age of 21 and my life was fine, I could confide in him and he would try and help. But after 2 miscarriages with him he still stood by my side and I was back at rock bottom. I couldn’t even tell my family about this heartbreak as thenimpression as always, everyone’s life is perfect but I lie and make up rubbish. So it was kept a secret.
Again moving on from that other devastating part of my life, I hit another wall (literally) when I was a pedestrian on the pavement when someone mounted it and crashed into me, and into a wall. Now this to me has got to be a turning point for the worst, the accident occurred metres away from my home, and everything from there focused on some type of OCE anxiety about being home all the time. I was in a rut, I was 22, I didn’t go out and socialise, all I did was work and go home, I was terrified of going outside, and I still couldn’t really tell you why I had this fear. I always went to the bustop 45 mins early in the fear of being late. If I was visiting family I’d be looking at the clock wanting to go home (why, I do not know as I had nothing to go home for) .
This was a reoccurring daily obsession I couldn’t shift. Until I got an amazing opportunity to go and work abroad, I loved travelling and didn’t get the chance to with work, I jumped at the thought, didn’t really want to over think it as I knew if I didn’t like it. I could come home.... I took the job and I lasted 18 months, with a few months break in between but when I came home, I would spend 4 out of the 6 weeks home without leaving my front door. The depression and anxiety hit me hard like a wave I thought I was drowning, family and friends couldn’t understand and this caused arguments as I wouldn’t visit them I’d be gone again.
I am now back home after my amazing adventure where I didn’t feel this horrible anxiety and depression, I was a new person and I thought I was ready to come home and be that new person but a few months I’m, I’m terrified. I’m messing up at work, giving myself panic attacks and seriously committing and shaking. I have never felt so alone, I cannot go to family as I said before they don’t believe anyone has problems. I don’t have a lot of friends as I always refuse to go out due to the anxiety so I’m left with my friends who are hundreds of miles scattered around the world who aren’t here.
I am struggling everyday to keep the smile on my face, I’ve lost all my confidence. It is now Wednesday and I haven’t left my house since Sunday.
I’d love to know anyone else’s stories to make me feel I am not alone.