It has taken a lot to effort for me join this forum but here I am. Please bear with me.
I have suffered from depression and low self esteem since I was a child. I am now 43 and am on 40mg citalopram. My mother used to put me down and I had a very unhappy childhood and found it difficult to make friends. When I used to go out ( I have not been out for years now as I have no friends and social anxiety) I used to drink copious amount to feel confident. Met the father of my now 16yr old on one of those nights out and I latched on to him as someone was interested in me. He walked out on my when I was 12 weeks pregnant and despite CSA involvement he never wanted to meet his child and kept moving home so I have never received child maintenance from him. Life has been a huge financial from here on in. When my daughter was 1.5yrs I met my now ex husband. It was a whirlwind romance and we married and had a son together. We embarked on the process of him adopting my daughter. I suffered from heightened depression which I guess was post natal. I found out my then husband had over £30k of debt he had kept from me. Arguements followed and the adoption was put on hold. When my son was 5 (he is now 13) my husband went off with my best friend (my daughter’s best friend’s mum from primary school) and I found out that all my ‘friends’ in our group knew about it!. I was devastated and had no friends to turn to. My mother and sister continued contact with both my then husband and so called best friend so I disowned my family. I was completely alone. My then husband had a vendetta against me and tried all sorts of nasty tricks to try and get me in to trouble. Wasn’t it enough that he had destroyed the family???? My son missed his dad terribly and would cry continually for him and at the age of 5 would say he wanted to stab me and wanted daddy. Things got so bad that my ex took me to court and applied for residency of our son and I agreed as I had no fight left in me. Seven years have passed and my daughter and I seldom get to see my son. My daughter has mental health issues which is no surprise given the life she has had so far. I have not been able to move on. I worked full time plus overtime for the emergency services literally just to make ends meet financially however in February I hit a wall and had an emotional meltdown and had to go part time. I had another breakdown in November and had a month off sick from work. I am in a financial mess as I cannot afford the day to day living for my daughter and I. (I also pay maintenance to my ex for my son) I don’t have any friends so no social life. I couldn’t even afford to go out or ‘have a life’ if I wanted to and because it has been so long I would be too anxious to go out socially now. I have been comfort eating and in the last 5yrs I have gone from 5ft 8” 10st to 16st. I am repulsed by what I look like and am in a complete rut. If someone said I can press a button and I would disappear I would seriously consider it.