Sounds like you are working hard at the moment- and are mentally tired- avoidance is a pain isn't it? I think it is very misguiding as short term i find it really helpful but long term it is just not helpful at all. Thanks for spending the time reading over the posts.
RE- My Counsellor- I don't know what you really mean- the relationship was important to me as i guess she was the only person who i felt knew the real me- and who knew what i had been through during the last few years- so that might be why the relationship felt important. I respected what she said to me and when she challenged me. As for Therapy- it was tough- sometimes i think the more you learn about yourself and strategies etc, the harder it can be. So is it bad that i valued the relationship with my therapist more than the therapy? What do you think this means?
TBH i am quite amazed that you can tell all this about me from the messages- you are very perceptive. I am working on acceptance of my needs but just seem to have this innate desire to be 'normal' in body and mind, and to dislike very much anything that moves me away from health. It is very odd. Even when i was a kid i hated getting attention for being ill- it was offered and given but i have never liked it- at school i would fake well rather than tell the teacher i was sick. If ill i would be treated well and spoiled but it made me feel suffocated. So this is a very odd thing. I would understand if i was rejected when ill as a kid etc. At the same time i didn't mind attention for being good or achieving in something.
I think a big issue is trusting my own judgement- that critical voice is always there to tell me i am wasting someones time or making everything up etc etc. This makes things hard.
Thanks for the positives- i really need to go back to my affirmations. Currently i think the meds are kicking in and my strong negative beliefs have gone- my worst was about feeling unworthy- so links in with what you are saying. Much appreciated! I often wonder why i need so much reassurance. I think some of this is down to my constant single status- and also causes it- the thought of being so close to someone that they know all about what is in my head terrifies me! I am not good at being vulnerable.
If people don't know then i can continue on with this 'normal' persona and i feel people's expectations stay high. I hate the idea of being treated differently or someone feeling sorry for me. I don't think people would reject me, they would be surprised and upset that i didn't tell them. I guess it would make it real! I know this makes my relationships somewhat lacking but i really can't.
I just need to really start liking all of myself- and accepting all of myself (maybe when i do this, it will make it easier to share with others!). I have been trying for years- any advice? Like i have said before- when i am well- i can like life and don't mind myself- then when things change- the self loathing and negativity towards myself come out.
Thanks for making me think. I hope you had a relaxing weekend.