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Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

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littleem
Posts: 342
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby littleem » Tue Jan 16, 2018 12:18 pm

Hi there!

That's positive that you've had times when you've been able to enjoy life and feel better. Things can and will get better again. Perhaps try and identify what was going on in your life during the times when you felt well. Maybe you could try to slowly incorporate some of that into your day to day life now?

Have you ever had therapy for overcoming low self esteem?

I'm pleased the meds have helped you. Try not to worry too far into the future. If they are helping now then that's great. Maybe the maximum dose will be just right for you. Other medications and mood stabilisers can be added to medication, too, if you're not feeling the full benefit. Don't worry about coming off the pills. Cross that bridge when you come to it. A lot of people stay on medication more long-term anyways. I'm glad they've reduced your anxiety.

Take care,

Em x

emloja
Posts: 107
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:34 pm

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby emloja » Wed Jan 17, 2018 8:15 pm

Hi Em
One day at a time!!! Be in the moment!!! Yes that is good advice- I just enjoy spending time with my pup- i often just want to spend the day in bed with her- i do envy her uncomplicated life. She is my fur baby! Love her to bits (sad but true!).
Self-esteem is a funny one- i thought i had low self esteem then thought that it was maybe just the unwell version of me that i don't really like- but if that is part of me then?!?! The strong unhelpful thoughts i have are all focused around not being worthy or that i am playing at being a grown up blah blah blah. I honestly thought these had gone away- i don't get into such a state anymore but they are there. Do i sound like i have low self-esteem then in my messages?! We have spoken about my self-esteem in therapy and i did an online CBT course which did focus a bit on it- it was all the basic stuff about being kind to yourself etc- i try so hard to do this- and my thoughts are generally much better than they had been- however that core belief still lurks there!! grr!
I'm now going to reply to your 'waffly message', which is funny as i seem to have this problem too- i sometimes find the worse i feel that harder it is for me to be succinct. hilarious really!
The hypnosis CD sounds interesting- has it helped? I tried hypnosis for a bit to help with anxiety and my sleep- i think at the time i was in such a high level of anxiety i didn't fully access or benefit from it- i did have two clips i took away with me and often use these- i feel so calm during the session- one of them is about reflecting on how far i have come and not giving up- which has been really helpful and reassuring. Sometimes i need so much reassurance- even that voice in my head has to be reassuring. Does this make sense? I use headspace and they are some fall asleep music which i listen to. I did have chronic insomnia for 5 months and it was horrendous so although i currently think i sleep to much - i am grateful to sleep at all- do you have sleep issues then? I don't however appear to wake up in a good mood ever atm- i even bought one of those SAD alarm clocks.
I use positive affirmations too- at first you feel a bit odd but i do think they work.IT is quite hard keeping it up all the time.
Yes, i forget sometimes that the role of a counsellor is help us when we need it. I think in my head it emphasises I'm not coping and need help and i hate the thought of being needy! I do wish somedays that i could just have a headache and openly take a tablet for it, or go to bed with it- sooo much easier!
Hope your week is going okay?
Em

littleem
Posts: 342
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby littleem » Thu Jan 18, 2018 8:22 pm

Hiya!

Aww, I would love a dog! Loving your pup isn't at all sad! What type of pup do you have?

I only mentioned self esteem because you did in a previous post. Don't worry, you didn't give off any vibes or anything! Self esteem is something I struggle with. I worry a lot about what others think of me. We all do to a certain extent, hey?

I'm glad the positive affirmations help. I think with time they work, too. I like the hypnosis tapes, yeah.

I'm doing pretty good thanks. Had a few awful days but yesterday I spent the day with my little niece who is an absolute joy and then I saw a theatre show which was a Christmas present. It was fantastic. I have since been much more motivated today.

Next week I'm going to volunteer at a beautiful self help recovery centre. It's for people who are gravely ill, dying cancer patients, people of all ages with physical and mental illness, elderly people with no family and for children with different illnesses. It's a place of respite where they have reflexology, acupuncture, Indian head massage, hydrotherapy, Bowen's Therapy, homeopathy and self hypnosis sessions. The manager said I would be able to experience all of these treatments as well as volunteer to help others! They also have their own Church, beautiful sensory garden, bar and big lounge area. The manager said I would also be able to help on reception, in their charity shop and donations store, with cleaning, with the patients, in the kitchen and with crafts. The atmosphere there was lovely! I went there for a visit with my mother today and was invited to check it out for the day next Tuesday! The manager had PTSD and depression so I shared my mental health problems with him. It was a very relaxed and accepting environment. It was my GP who suggested this place to me.

Lots of nice things to look forward to so I'm trying to keep positive each day. I really do have so much to be thankful for.

I hope you're having a good week too?

Take care of yourself,

Em xx

emloja
Posts: 107
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:34 pm

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby emloja » Thu Jan 18, 2018 9:26 pm

Hi Em
My Pup is a small poodle cross- and sometimes i think i may love her too much- she has been such great therapy- like i say- i often wish i could just be her. She is like a beige teddy bear and is so clever. My parents love her too.
It is strange- I worked so hard in the past on my internal vice and it had become really supportive, challenging and reassuring, then after feeling better for a while i stopped with it and now it is as if i am starting over all again- at least i kind of know what to do!
Kids have a great way of making you smile- that sounds great- does your niece live close by?It sounds like you needed that day!
That centre sounds great- and how lovely that you can benefit too. Funny you are volunteering as i decided the other day that i need to do some volunteering- i have a real desire to apply my caring side somewhere and feel i am contributing to something- and am part of something (that negative voice now says- that i am needy and need to feel part of something as i don't really have anything of my own- but i will challenge that). Also great that you have visited and had such a positive, open and honest chat with the manager. How great of your GP to refer you.
Gratitude is the best isn't it - once you are in that state of mind to feel it! I value feeling grateful so much and think it is a wonderful place to be in.
My week has been okay- i have been struggling with just feeling completely exhausted- i planned my work diary so i spend some of the day out and then have the to do paperwork- the only problem is that i have been so tired when home that i have just gone back to bed- leaving me behind with my work- completely my own fault. I often think i wouldn't have survived at work if i'd been in a 9-5 office job- i work with many different people so no one really sees me every day. I am also aware that my week hasn't been particularly full and yet when i sleep i go into such a deep one- i never wake refreshed though. This morning i spent a large amount of time debating if i should call in sick (perhaps sickness or migraine??) I replayed the whole scenario and then decided too many people were dependent on me- i also thought i might need to save the day for when i have a really busy week. I also worried if i wanted to get a new job that it would come up as time off. So i am proud i guess, that i forced myself in- it was okay- i however then came home and slept for 2.5 hours!!!
Im not sure whether this is just me (i do generally suffer with tiredness and always love my bed) but i also wonder if it is my meds? It is hard knowing how much to push yourself sometimes- I debated for a while- like i said as to if i called in sick or not. So, that is my week!
It was lovely to hear about your exciting developments though, enjoy your friday x

littleem
Posts: 342
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby littleem » Sun Jan 21, 2018 2:11 pm

Hi there! :)

Aww! Your dog sounds gorgeous!

Ah yes, sometimes despite all our hard work to overcome something, we can still seem to end up back at square one. But don’t be disheartened. Rather, be reassured in the proof that you did conquer the negative voice before so you can absolutely do it again. Often, we can come back even stronger the next time around too. :)

Yes, my niece lives close by so I get to see her every week which is lovely.

It’s positive that you are able to identify the negative voice and separate it from yourself. That’s the first step. Keep challenging and rejecting it. Where are you thinking of volunteering? Sounds like a great idea to me!

Well done for forcing yourself to go into work. You should be proud of yourself! That’s not easy sometimes!

You said you ‘generally suffer’ with tiredness. I’d suggest a blood test to check out your iron and thyroid levels? Are you taking any vitamins? I used to take Floradix tablets that help with tiredness and low mood. The tiredness could be a side effect of the meds, yeah. It’s also a very common side effect of depression. I get days out exhaustion from too much physical and mental exertion and stress, but that’s just me! ;)

Hope you’ve had a lovely weekend.

Em x

emloja
Posts: 107
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:34 pm

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby emloja » Thu Jan 25, 2018 9:42 pm

Hi Em
Thanks she is-love her so much!
Well i had a counselling session on Monday and although it was tough- i forget how anxious i get, and how long it had been since i had spoken to someone so open and honestly about stuff going on in my head. So although i felt rubbish at the time, i have felt 'lighter' and have reflected on things a little differently. It is amazing how you get so wrapped up in your own head and sometimes it seems the more you try to understand the more confused you get. I am trying to get back that positive voice in my head- my champion and reassurer.
Volunteering- well, ages ago i wanted to be a visiter for looked after kids- so children with no family get a visitor- maybe once every few months you can take them out and do something fun- but my attempts to find these roles hasn't really worked. I also recently saw a role in delivering library books to people who cannot get out- i thought that might be good.
Yes, the forcing continued this week. I am going to the doctors tomorrow to review my meds. I am going to tell her about the tiredness and see if she thinks it is 1. in my head 2. side effect of meds 3. something other. Your idea about asking for the blood test is good- last year i was B12 deficient which can have all sorts of symptoms. Then i know if i should be more harsh on myself when i was a nap or to lie in!
How has your week been? Weren't you doing some exciting things this week?
Em

littleem
Posts: 342
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby littleem » Fri Jan 26, 2018 9:45 am

Hey Em!

Wow! That's so positive about your session. You should be really proud of yourself. I'm glad you feel lighter now. Keep going!

The volunteering sounds great! Do you have a local voluntary information centre in your town or a website for your local area? Maybe that's a silly question on my part as you may have already explored these options! Maybe there are other opportunities to volunteer with children? My mother used to deliver library books to the elderly and house bound. She loved it. She has a big soft spot for the old dears, bless her!

Well done for being so committed to work. Please be kind to yourself though. Weekend lie ins for the win! Haha!

All the best with your doctor's appointment. Really positive steps.

My week has been up and down like most weeks seem to be. Had a wonderful spa day last weekend which is like my favourite thing to do ever. Haha! I've also spent a couple of days with my three year old niece and will be going to my other brother's for the weekend. He has a nine month baby and a two year old. So that will be nice.

The centre didn't work out. I discovered they offer therapies that contradict my religion, but everyone has said it's positive that I made the decision not to go because of my personal values. It naturally caused me to dip in mood but it's okay now. I really need to start doing something though. I feel my depression getting worse.

I've been let down by the mental health services as always but I'm staying positive regardless. I have therapy today and the therapist is lovely.

Have a nice weekend! Take care

Em xx

emloja
Posts: 107
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:34 pm

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby emloja » Sun Jan 28, 2018 2:21 pm

Hi Em
Thanks for you encouragement.
Wow- you have had a busy time being aunty! My Nephew has just turned 2-such a cute age.
Sorry the centre didn't work out but at least you know what you want and what your values are and stick by them! What are your 'things'? Are you crafty, creative, sporty? If you had energy and motivation right now- what would you be doing?
Glad your therapist is lovely- that must be helpful- what type of therapy are you doing? How is it going?

I decided i had started to become afraid of everything and that i need to stand against some of my fears- otherwise with me it is a slippery slope down. I had made plans when i felt better to meet friends. I cancelled and so this was the second time. I got as far as the door of the restaurant and then saw a group of girls all together laughing quite loudly and freaked out- i realised then, i could leave or go in. I went in after some deliberation- I forget that people just like talking about themselves and so when i was there it wasn't as bad as i had imagined, i hadn't been out socially like that for ages. So that was another defeat- i decided to make a note of when i beat the fear and when the fear beats me.
Yes we do, but at the moment i work too much and have no time for volunteering- it is hard to find something that i can dome part time- but it is on my to do list.
The bloods come back on wednesday- i have a feeling that it is just in my head though. It is bad when you hope that you have a small health issue where a pill can just legitimately get rid of some of the issues you experience- i have spent my whole life thinking this. The Doctor said it would be beneficial that i stay on the dose i am on for 3 months however i think it also depends on this tiredness. I may not have a job to go to if i keep feeling so tired as i am getting more and more behind. I promised myself i would just do some work today- but i really can't bring myself to do it. On friday i just wanted to run away from work and my career completely and never go back. I know i don't really mean this as when i am well work is okay. Plus before xmas i decided to get a new job and made enquiries. The potential new boss called me to arrange an informal chat. This is so scary- i think i must have a change- but the whole process of a new job and new colleagues is scary and especially at the moment when i am hardly doing my job properly! I do plan to work out if i can afford to work less- so i have time to rest and less work to do- as i feel this could help. I also worry about not having so much work as when i am really bad time goes so slowly.
Hope your weekend is going well- me and pup are having a lazy day (and i am just beating myself up about not working-as i always do- not sure how many times i have to repeat a behaviour to stop it!).
Em

littleem
Posts: 342
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby littleem » Wed Jan 31, 2018 6:20 pm

Hey there!

How's it going?

Ah yes, super auntie Em!

I'm going to an art group tomorrow and to enquire about volunteering at a centre in my town where they run an afterschool club for children and activity days for people with learning disabilities. Small steps in the right direction.

The therapy is CBT focusing on depression.

You should be really proud of yourself for beating the fear and socialising. That's something I really struggle with so I know this victory makes you really strong. Well done you!

You could discuss other medication options with the doctor. Not all of them have such a sedative effect. Work is clearly important to and good for you so you want to be able to maintain it.

Some people advise not to make changes when we are feeling either really good or really bad, but only you know what's best for you.

I hope you're having a good week.

Take care,

Em x

emloja
Posts: 107
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:34 pm

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby emloja » Sat Feb 03, 2018 1:32 pm

Hi Em
How did your art club go? I love the idea of being creative and sometimes i have the vision just not the talent ha ha. Yes, slowly slowly catchy monkey- isn't that what they say?
How are you finding the CBT- have you had it before? I found it very helpful-made sense- suddenly realising most of my cognitions were unhelpful and had names to them-I was like- predicting the future- that's me! etc etc. I did it for depression but found myself equally applying it to my anxiety.
So my tiredness was actually anaemia- the doctor called me after my blood test- i thought i would be happy about this as 'it isn't all in my head' for once- but now i feel like i am falling apart both physically and mentally- and am totally confused by everything- so odd! I have already started the iron tablets but the doctor says it will be about 6 weeks until i feel the results as my levels were very low! Years ago sometimes when i felt low i would go to the doctor and say i was tired and they would do blood tests and say i was completely healthy- sometimes i would cry afterwards as i didn't want to talk about what was going on in my head and i hoped that i could be prescribed a tablet that would 'cure' me. I wish i knew how tired i should be as I'm still confused by what is my head and what is real.
I am also really really irritating myself atm- feeling proper pathetic- i hate how selfish i am sometimes with my thoughts and in my own head. I should be happy i am not really ill- instead i am a drama queen in my own head.
Hope you are feeling better! Have a good weekend
Em


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