Search

Support Forum

SANE Support Forum

Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

If you're new and want to say hello...
littleem
Posts: 338
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby littleem » Sun Jan 07, 2018 6:58 pm

Hey emloja,

There are definitely a good bunch of us using this forum to help, support and encourage each other in our different MH difficult so please know that you most certainly are not alone in your struggles. It's really positive that you're posting what you're experiencing.

I'm sorry to hear you just had a really difficult year. I had to smile at Amaya's response to this that all the best people have them because 2017 was an absolute stinker for me too! But it's 2018 now. A fresh start!

Don't apologise for having an illness! Depression can rear it's ugly head even when there's no apparent cause and it doesn't discriminate - it can affect anyone. It's so positive that you like yourself but hate the depression. This being able to separate yourself from the illness will be really helpful for you being able to fight against the depression!

What kind of things do you like doing and what things help your mood? Do lots of that and spend time with people who boost your mood. Do these things to beat the depression that is separate to you.

Do be kind to yourself. Rest when you need to and try to take each day as it comes.

Do you feel able to share how you feel with any of your friends or family? A problem shared is a problem halved and those who care about you will only want to help, understand and support you. It's definitely worth trying.

Could you revisit some of the techniques you learnt in therapy? Do you have a contact you could get in touch with if you feel therapeutic help would be beneficial again?

Are the ADs helping?

Hope you have a good week.

Take care xx

emloja
Posts: 69
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:34 pm

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby emloja » Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:41 pm

Thanks so much Littleem for your really positive email! I wish you all the best for a better 2018 too!
My therapy is to walk my dog- regardless of what is going on in my life i always make myself walk my dog. I am lucky that i have a park across the road so this helps. I also try and meditate- although atm 10 mins can be difficult. I have just started up my diary. I am trying to read- i do normally love reading- i am currently trying to read a chapter a night-aloud-as this helps me to focus. I do have a bad habit of binge watching tv which i know isn't good for me but it is pure escapism- when i can focus. I am lucky that i don't really have many negative people living around me.
I have a real issue with sharing- my former counsellor and doctor are the only people that know about any of this- that is one of my downfalls and a real barrier to my recovery- I just cannot talk to anyone about it-so times like these are really hard. I leant my mum a book the other day and it had an old prescription paper in it- she gave it back to me and i didn't say anything- i don't know if she looked at it and looked it up or not. I sometimes reflect on the relationships in my life as not being as they should, but this is only as i won't let people in- i have a real issue with vulnerability!
I emailed my former counsellor as i get in touch every now and then when i really need to- she suggested i might try counselling again after a break and maybe CBT. I did an online CBT course which focused on anxiety and this was helpful (it was supposed to be focusing on depression but at the time my negative thoughts were limited and the anxiety was heightened- the anxiety and depression have a really weird relationship together- this complicated things in my head!). However soon after i finished the course i suddenly started to feel really low. Sometimes i feel the more i learn the harder it gets- i have a tendency to overthink everything anyway and so then confuse myself and get irritated that i am such a poor student. I took a long time to develop a relationship with my ex-counsellor and so wouldn't want to start a new with someone else- i don't know what i need- i sometimes think i would just like someone i can check in with once a fortnight or month to talk, give me reassurance and remind me of what i know and could be doing- i don't know whether i should ask my ex counsellor if she will/could do this. I did however have such high levels of anxiety each time i went to counselling- even after many sessions.
The ADs have been amazing- shortly after i started taking them some of my physiological symptoms went, then after a bit longer the depression went, then i reduced my meds then had to increase and then suddenly i lost even more of my anxiety (things i had lived with my whole life went) and now the sadness and negative thinking has returned (last few months) and so my dosage has been raised to the highest it goes. I increased the dose for two nights, then changed my mind and reduced then before i decided yesterday i should take the higher dose.
Thanks for listening :)

littleem
Posts: 338
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby littleem » Mon Jan 08, 2018 1:21 pm

Hi Emloja,

Thanks for wishing me well for 2018.

That's good that you can take your dog for a walk in the park as therapy. That sounds nice.

How about trying shorter two or five minute meditations and building up from there? I've been listening to positive hypnosis CDs when I wake up and before going to sleep and I also listen to relaxation music, e.g. In the bath with scented candles. Perhaps try other ways of relaxing? I do lots of stretching and love massage. I've just bought myself an acupuncture mat and pillow, too!

Writing is a great idea and can be so therapeutic. I like writing, too. Art, painting, cooking and baking can be other great ways of expressing emotions as well.

I get like that with reading sometimes. Sometimes I can devour a book in a couple of days whilst other times I get bored and can't focus at all. What helps me at these times is taking a break from it. No point in forcing ourselves to do something if we aren't enjoying it. I find that usually enjoyable activities can become a bit like a chore that way. When I can't focus, I try to do different things in short bursts and to try different things too. I like the idea of reading out loud!

Nothing wrong with binge watching TV from time to time if it's something you enjoy. Getting into a good film or series can be a good distraction.

I'm glad to hear you don't have any negative people around you. I'm sure your mother didn't even read the prescription and that if she had, and you wanted to talk to her about things, she would want to understand, support and help you. Worth a try, hey? When I've been honest with others, I've always been surprised by just how emphatic and genuinely helpful their responses have been.

Definitely ask your councillor to provide the support YOU feel will benefit you most. Remember, she's there to support you. It's so positive that you have a working relationship together. You said you feel anxious before sessions, is there any way you could limit your anxiety? E.g. Could you do something nice for you before and after the session like grab a nice coffee or go shopping or meet a friend or whatever so that the day doesn't just become totally fixated on worrying about the session.

You sound similar to me with your meds! I decided on I'm reading then decreasing before increasing again just recently! Are you seeing a GP fairly regularly to keep a check on the meds? I'm no doctor haha but I know it's important to persist with the meds for them to have the full affect.

Wishing you a good week ahead!

Em xx

littleem
Posts: 338
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby littleem » Mon Jan 08, 2018 1:26 pm

*Increasing I meant, not 'I'm reading'.

I also had another idea for reducing the anxiety pre-therapy. Could somebody take you there? A friend maybe?

Hope some of this helps!

emloja
Posts: 69
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:34 pm

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby emloja » Thu Jan 11, 2018 8:56 pm

Hi Em
Thanks for your message. It sounds like you have a good relaxing repertoire! I will work on expanding mine- my meditation ap told me yesterday that i have meditated for ten days in a row- so maybe i haven't been doing as badly as i thought! Thinking about it now- I am in a rut at the moment - you have helped me to reflect that i don't actually do much anymore and there are many things i used to do that i don't anymore- I used to do pilates a while back and enjoy baking-so i may think about getting back into these. I also loved crafty type activities - but stopped after my perfectionist tendencies took over a bit and created more anxiety than enjoyment- but again that was a while back so it is time to revisit. I am feeling a little more motivated so need to not get ahead of myself and gradually get back into things. I don't know about you, but as soon as i start to see any light i want to feel fully better and then try and rush into things too quickly.
I think i just binge watch to extreme- so just blast my head with TV so i cannot think of anything else and it just makes me feel lazier and less motivated- but yes, i think i need to be kind to myself about this all.
Yes, my mother hasn't mentioned anything about the prescription. I know i should confide in someone- i have never really done this and find it so difficult. Again something i need to work on as i know it is a barrier to my recovery. I did liaise with my counsellor and she was great, we have come up with a plan which i am happy with. It made me feel so much better as i think it makes me feel less isolated and reassured that i have someone to check in with-she knows me quite well and is able to challenge me and remind me of strategies etc to develop. My head now tells me that i shouldn't be weak and that i am regressing as i am going back to counselling and i haven't moved on. I did honestly tell her about my continued anxiety visiting her. Your message helped me to reflect on this a bit more. I wouldn't be able to get someone to accompany me to therapy as no-one knows i go! ha ha!
I am continuing on with the higher dose - been on it for a week now- glad it isn't just me who dithers about the change in dosage! I mainly see the GP either every 3 months or after a month if i have had a change in meds. I do tend to just put in a repeat prescription if i can. I always write a massive list of things to talk to the doctor about- i end up so anxious that i end up not being able to express myself or answer anything properly- i always decide before the appointment that the doctor may suddenly decide to take me off of my meds or change things drastically- which i have no evidence for. I also convince myself that she sees me as a pain and doesn't really listen or understand me. This is all probably in my head tbh.
How has your week been? How are you doing on this journey we call life? Are you still on meds? Are these working for you?
You have been so generous in your message- thanks it helped a great deal!
Em :)

littleem
Posts: 338
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby littleem » Fri Jan 12, 2018 3:34 pm

Hey Em!

It's Em! Haha! Nice to hear back from you.

Ah yes, quite the repertoire indeed! I've had a premature mid-life crisis I think, haha! Hey, ten days meditating in a row sounds good to me! I tried an all night positive affirmation CD last night whilst sleeping. I had some weird dreams where I was hysterically crying throughout which was odd seen as I had a soothing voice telling me I'm a happy person and what not through my headphones. Probably the meds. Woke up in a pretty good enough mood though!

Don't feel bad about not doing as much as you used to. Thing is, when you were doing more things you were probably in a much better place mentally to have been able to have done them. This doesn't make you any different. The situation is different, that's all, so do be kind to yourself. I get what you mean though... Just this morning I was going through my repertoire as per and had a negative thought saying 'You're such a loser. You're 23 and this is how you spend your days. You should be...*insert about 20 things 'normal' people my age seem to be doing* You used to *insert past memories when I was functioning well and successful and happy* - but now you're doing nothing and so you've failed.' BUT! I simply chose not to accept this. I said (or thought!) back, 'Yeah, but those 'other' people (who are they, anyways?!) don't have mental illness. And when I was doing all those 'great' things, I wasn't suffering with clinical depression and anorexia! So p*ss off and leave me to my acupuncture mat!' Haha! I'm trying my best to do what I can in this situation and heck, if the odd TV series binge helps you zone out from being anxious for a little while then I see no wrong in that. Besides, you could always break the TV watching up with other activities. Like, two hours of TV, an hour of laundry or cooking or walking or whatever.

Oh yes, do I know the feeling of seeing some light and diving in with absolutely everything I've got. Thing is, it never lasts long because - despite my best intentions - I didn't actually HAVE all that much to give to start with. Then I end up feeling worse for having to quit and (in my mind) 'failing'. I end up going from all to nothing until the next thing comes along. It's a horrible cycle I'm trying my damned hardest to break out of. Slow is definitely the way to go! Go easy on yourself.

You absolutely are not weak for going to counselling. Therapy is tough so actually engaging in it to overcome difficulties shows how committed, brave and strong you are. Besides, that's why councillors are there! To help us out when we need it! So don't be embarrassed about therapy or anything. Would you be embarrassed about taking a tablet for a bad headache? If it helps you get better then that's what's important.

Haha, yeah, I realised after posting that you hadn't told anyone about the therapy! Any chance of confiding in someone? If not, perhaps plan something nice for after your session so you'll have something else to look forward to. Well done for confiding in your therapist. That's positive that you've created a good plan together. Good luck!

I'm certain the Doctor doesn't see you as a pain whatsoever! You're not a pain. Don't ever let anyone make you feel like that. If you genuinely don't feel listened to or understood though, you can opt to see a different GP. Your health comes first!

Hope you're as well as you can be right now. Apologies for my big, waffly message! Haha! Have a good weekend.

Em x

teamn
Posts: 297
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:10 pm

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby teamn » Sat Jan 13, 2018 11:16 am

good morning

how are you this morning, i read your last post, glad your councellor had a plan that works for you, mine never had a plan as such, (she waas good, but ive finally discharged myself, as i didnt see the point any longer of going just to offload).

i can relate to your last ;post, particularly about the fact that you use to do so much, and binge watching TV, i definiteky do that to numb the brain, lol.

just wanted to say hi.. and wish yiu a great weekend.

emloja
Posts: 69
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:34 pm

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby emloja » Mon Jan 15, 2018 2:05 pm

Hi Em and Teamn
Thank you so much for your replies- suddenly when i saw these last night i felt really guilty that you are spending time supporting me and yet my needs are not that great. My thoughts are telling me that i am wasting your time! I have had a few better days- once this happens my head tells me that i am not ill and am just making this all up and making a fuss out of nothing- it is all so odd- I think this may be down to my acceptance of everything! I also know it doesn't help as when things change (for the worse) i then find it so much harder to cope with (as i had completely denied all issues for a few days). It also doesn't help with my recovery as i tend to run before walking.
I don't really know how i am supposed to think- i want to be positive but seem to be trapped in a cycle atm. I also worry about seeing my counsellor if things are better. My head is quite hilarious!

littleem
Posts: 338
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby littleem » Mon Jan 15, 2018 3:37 pm

Hey emloja,

Lovely to hear from you. You're not wasting anybody's time whatsoever! So please don't allow that negative voice to try and convince you otherwise and make you feel guilty.

I can really relate to the action of running before walking! When I look at the very end goal of 'getting well' and 'feeling better', I see a fully functioning, happy and fully recovered me. This is positive of course, but to get there I am trying to accept the fact that there are many little tiny baby steps along the road to recovery that I need to take first. Yes, I wish there weren't as many of these little steps and I wish I could run up them four at a time but that only gets me right back at step one again. The whole thing is exhausting. Perhaps you can relate with this?

So try to set yourself smaller, simpler and more realistic day-to-day goals and go gently. Don't beat yourself up on the tough days and remember everyone gets a bad day sometimes. I hope that helps.

Take care,

Em x

emloja
Posts: 69
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:34 pm

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby emloja » Mon Jan 15, 2018 5:45 pm

Thanks- i think that is one of the hardest thing sometimes- not knowing what of your thinking is accurate and real and that which is way out there!
Yes, i can relate to that mental exhaustion- i do actually enjoy life when i am well and like to think i make the most of it and am grateful for it! My self-esteem is really correlated with feeling well too- which is something i am working on. I also tend to let slip all those helpful strategies as "i am well and don't need them!".
I also freak out that the improvements must be because of the meds. I was really anti medication and still can't believe i need drugs to help my head work as normal. I increased my meds two weeks ago and i do feel better-which is great- i just worry now i am on the highest dose so there is no where to go if i need it- i also worry about coming off of them- will i ever be 'normal' without the meds. The hilarious thing is that since being on the meds (just over a year now) my anxiety has reduced sooooo much.


Return to “Newbies Room”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests