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Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

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Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby amaya » Thu Feb 08, 2018 3:43 pm

A while ago you asked me how the process of emotional honest is going. The answer is very well thank you. That is why I feel totally broken and exhausted almost every day haha. I hardly even recognise the person who was able to type such a coherent response to you as myself because I am so tired I am having difficulty concentrating. But I think this is the part that feels worse before it gets better. At least right now I am doing the very best thing I could be doing with my life at this moment instead of trying to avoid pain by running away. It is hard but worth it. Thanks for asking.

I have been reading back over the posts I missed and I notice that the relationship between you and your counsellor seems like it was more important than the content of the therapy. It that right or did I misunderstand?

I also noticed that you seem to place a lower value on your needs than others. As if you don't have a right to complain or something. But if you look at the degree to which your life is affected by being ill it is significant. I think it might help you to get better if you could somehow convince yourself to stop diminishing your own needs in this way. Or at least maybe try to work out why you do it? Somewhere in your life was there a time when it wasn't acceptable or appropriate to have your needs met? Usually we learn these thought or behaviour patterns from someone.

I do think self-esteem is right at the core of why you struggle so much. It seems that you don't feel worth much or important when I read through everything in one go. Just wanted to say that you are worth a lot, you are important, you do have real needs, you deserve to have them met, and you are doing really well to keep going with everything you have to deal with and all whilst no one knows about it. Even if you weren't anaemic I would expect you to be tired!

Why don't you tell people? Are you afraid to be rejected or is it something else?

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Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby emloja » Sun Feb 11, 2018 4:04 pm

Hi Amaya
Sounds like you are working hard at the moment- and are mentally tired- avoidance is a pain isn't it? I think it is very misguiding as short term i find it really helpful but long term it is just not helpful at all. Thanks for spending the time reading over the posts.
RE- My Counsellor- I don't know what you really mean- the relationship was important to me as i guess she was the only person who i felt knew the real me- and who knew what i had been through during the last few years- so that might be why the relationship felt important. I respected what she said to me and when she challenged me. As for Therapy- it was tough- sometimes i think the more you learn about yourself and strategies etc, the harder it can be. So is it bad that i valued the relationship with my therapist more than the therapy? What do you think this means?
TBH i am quite amazed that you can tell all this about me from the messages- you are very perceptive. I am working on acceptance of my needs but just seem to have this innate desire to be 'normal' in body and mind, and to dislike very much anything that moves me away from health. It is very odd. Even when i was a kid i hated getting attention for being ill- it was offered and given but i have never liked it- at school i would fake well rather than tell the teacher i was sick. If ill i would be treated well and spoiled but it made me feel suffocated. So this is a very odd thing. I would understand if i was rejected when ill as a kid etc. At the same time i didn't mind attention for being good or achieving in something.
I think a big issue is trusting my own judgement- that critical voice is always there to tell me i am wasting someones time or making everything up etc etc. This makes things hard.
Thanks for the positives- i really need to go back to my affirmations. Currently i think the meds are kicking in and my strong negative beliefs have gone- my worst was about feeling unworthy- so links in with what you are saying. Much appreciated! I often wonder why i need so much reassurance. I think some of this is down to my constant single status- and also causes it- the thought of being so close to someone that they know all about what is in my head terrifies me! I am not good at being vulnerable.
If people don't know then i can continue on with this 'normal' persona and i feel people's expectations stay high. I hate the idea of being treated differently or someone feeling sorry for me. I don't think people would reject me, they would be surprised and upset that i didn't tell them. I guess it would make it real! I know this makes my relationships somewhat lacking but i really can't.
I just need to really start liking all of myself- and accepting all of myself (maybe when i do this, it will make it easier to share with others!). I have been trying for years- any advice? Like i have said before- when i am well- i can like life and don't mind myself- then when things change- the self loathing and negativity towards myself come out.
Thanks for making me think. I hope you had a relaxing weekend.

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Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby littleem » Fri Feb 23, 2018 9:57 pm

Hey Em!

How are you doing?

Apologies for not replying sooner. Life has been, ah you know, life.... The up and down crazy rollercoaster that it is! But it's all good.

What have you been up to?
How did things go with the meds and has the tiredness improved? I hope so and I hope you're feeling a positive affect from the tablets.
How is work going?

Woah, 20 questions eh? Haha!

Hope all is well with you. Take care and have a nice weekend.

Love Em xx

Posts: 54
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:34 pm

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby emloja » Thu Mar 01, 2018 3:33 pm

Hi Em
Thanks for your reply. Yes, life is a rollercoaster!
I think the AD have finally started to work- however i think this is my last month at this level- so i need to go back to the Doctors to chat about a plan- control freak that i am! It is quite funny really, i always seem to have a worry- doing well, worry about coming off the tablets, not doing well....etc etc.
Still feeling pretty worn out- i think it has been almost a month now of the iron tablets but believe it will take longer. Do you know what, i have just applied all my lessons i have tried on acceptance of my MH issues to my low energy levels- so rather than getting irritated about it i have been trying to accept it.
Work is interesting, we have just had an inspection, so everything is very busy. These snow days have enabled me to have some more time at home which has been good. I'm still trying to decide if i want to move jobs- but there is quite a bit of fear about being new, no one knowing me, me not being good enough blah blah blah. I don't know whether it is better the devil you know! I also have been able to cope and manage my job and worry that with different bosses this might not be possible. Either way i hope to reduce my hours - which i think will help greatly. i do ned to make my mind up soon though!
How are you doing? How's the snow? My Pup loves the snow and is so fun to watch.

Posts: 316
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:30 am

Re: Relapse-guilt, acceptance and self esteem

Postby littleem » Fri Mar 02, 2018 6:30 pm

Hiya Em!

Great to hear from you. Lots of positives in your post - good stuff!

I'm pleased to hear the AD medication feels like it's starting to work. They will probably stop you from worrying so much by reducing your anxiety. Mine have but it took time for me to get the right type and dose. Stick with it and be reassured that your Doctor is there to help you.

Sorry to hear you're still feeling tired. Could be a combination of things? Low iron, side effect of the AD meds, side effect of low mood, stress of work with the inspection? Will you have a repeat blood test? Speak to your Doc about the tiredness. I'm sure it will improve as your mood lifts, iron tablets kick in and when you reduce your hours. That sounds positive - more time to rest mentally and physically.

Glad work is interesting. I hope everything goes well with the inspection. That's great that you've had some snow days, too! Enjoy them with your pup!

Sounds like a lot of worries and difficult things to overcome concerning starting a new job. Perhaps it's a bit soon? Do you think it might be best to hold off from any unnecessary added stress at this time? You could look for work if you wanted to when you feel in a stronger place. Just a thought.

I'm pretty good thanks. Moving in the right direction. The snow is awesome!!

Take care and keep me posted.

Em x

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