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Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:36 am
by johnbeln
This has not being something easy to do but I will try my best not to breakdown

I am in my fifties with 2 children a boy 23 and girl 30 both have had children in the last year
making me a double grandfather.
I have been with the same women for 27 years and yes you guessed the girl is her daughter from a previous relationship but I have raised her from when she was 3yrs old.

My partner walked out just before xmas leaving me with the kids and grandkids to cope
There has been iitle of no communication until Wednesday 27th when she came home we finally sat down and talked. She said she feels we are going nowhere, my drinking is a big problem, and she needs to figure out things by herself.
I do have a drinking issue but this has been my only way to cope with alot of family problems on her and myside of the family plus we have my children partners and kids living with us it makes for a crazy environment.
The last few nights have been lonely yet I have to pretend to friends and family that I am coping
I am not coping I am not sleeping eating I am just totally lost

i am going to stop now as I feeling the breakdown coming on while I am writing


Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2017 12:35 pm
by breatheinandout
Hello Johnb, sorry to hear how you're feeling. It sounds like Christmas was very stressful so natural that you feel like breaking down. It does seem to be a time when things come to a head. Feeling lonely and not coping is completely normal so don't beat yourself up.

You admit you have a problem with drinking which is a brave thing to do. Have you ever had any support to address it and the family problems you mention? So many people struggle to cope and it is ok to need help. Your family are obviously very important to you - is there anyone you trust you can talk to?

Do come back on here and tell us how you're doing. It can be a bit quiet but you'll see that you're not alone.

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2017 6:00 pm
by johnbeln
Hi Biao

I don't know to start
I have a brother with such serious mental problems that he lives with my mother
A sister lives in the US so she can't help
My Partner has 3 sisters one is a drug addict, the other 2 are really shefish
My Partner lost her father 2 years ago and i lost my step dad of 30 years last year
I have to look out for my mother and brother and my partner have to look after her mother
The pressure is imense and we do not get a break

I know every family have problems but we seem to be the normal ones and then she dissappears
She walked in about 2 hours ago as nothing happened!!!!

I am not sure if to go along with the situation, question her where she has been, get angry
I am scared she will just walk out again but I need to know what the hell is going on


Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2017 6:23 pm
by breatheinandout
Tricky... she didn't say anything, just rocked up as if nothing had happened? Wow.

If you can, stay calm as anger can come across as aggressive and scary. But do say something as otherwise it will be gnaw away at you. I am not a fan of confrontation myself but my advice would be to stick to the facts and how you're feeling about things - no finger pointing etc. Best not to ask where she has been etc otherwise it turns into an interrogation and no one likes that :)

If she has identified that your drinking is a problem, do listen to what she has to say - we often like to jump in and get defensive when someone points out our weaknesses as it hurts. But that honesty shows that she cares and wants to move forward. I can't know what is going on with her, but I hope you get to talk things through. You have both been through a lot, but the pressure can get too much.

Final thought - have you spoken to your GP or anyone about how you feel? Having to be the sensible one, the together one, takes its toll. GPs are there to help us so I'd recommend you make an appt for a chat.

Good luck and sending hugs

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2017 7:02 pm
by amaya
It sounds like with all the pressures you need to get as much support for everyone as possible.

Maybe ask those living with you to speed up their planning so that they can live on their own sooner and that will take the pressure of you and your partner.

I think you need to go to the GP and ask for help about the drinking. But also because you are in a caring role some of the time you will also need some support for that. Perhaps your partner also needs to see the GP to ask for extra support too as walking out is clearly a sign of being at breaking point.

If everyone is getting the right support for themselves, maybe you can find a way to sit down together to talk about what you all need and to try to find solutions to make sure everyone has what they need, or that you will work towards it in the near future.

Bottling things up is not a good idea so it is good that you have come on here to talk to us about it :)

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2017 12:13 am
by johnbeln
Hi Biao/Amaya

Thanks for the advice
I didn't get angry I went for a long walk and spotted a Samaritans
I just walked in and spent a few hours talking, crying, all of the emotions just came out
The counsellor was understanding and said I need to concentrate on myself
I left her at home with all the drama, family, noise for a few hours
By the time I came home a mutual friend was there. She had cleared out the kids
and told them they need to give us space to talk
I have just asked her if she is staying home tonight she said yes
So I will let you know how the conversation went
I won't push her I will just listen

I have booked myself in for a alcoholic's support group..Seven days waitng time
In the meantime I will keep talking to you guys and the Samaritans

This place is something for me, somewhere I feel safe to say how I really feel
So thanks I am glad I found this.


Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2017 1:45 am
by amaya
That sounds really great. Let us know how it goes. My brain is falling asleep so goodnight :)

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2017 2:17 pm
by breatheinandout
That is great JohnB, so glad you found the Samaritans and were able to open up to them :) Brilliant news about the support group too. Do let us know how things go - 7 days can seem a long time when you are struggling.

This forum can be a bit quiet so sometimes it can take a while to get a reply, but people genuinely care and want to help.

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Posted: Sun Dec 31, 2017 2:09 am
by johnbeln
Hi Biao/Amaya

Have you seen the post from OB77 his wife has left him just before Xmas
I have told him he is not the only one going through this
I am not sure how to support him other than letting know he is not alone

I am not looking forward to new year alone!!!

I don't want to go to a party just because the tempation to drink because I will not be with her for the first time in years and at the same time I don't want to be sitting alone watching fireworks on tv

I will let you know how it goes


Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Posted: Sun Dec 31, 2017 2:23 pm
by teamn
Hi John

I think you've done really well not to get angry and very fortunate firvyoubthat you found Samaritan and was able to offload. Also brilliant that you recognise your own issues and have booked yourself fir some alcohol support,

I can't really speak unfairly about your wife as after 27 years who knows what age thinking . But I've raised my son alone for 15 years and now it looks like I'll be doing sane with my daughter except raising her along from birth. I wish I had a partner to help raise my kids with me, especially one that's no blood related, you a wonderful person fir doing that, so as much as you have your own issues,and feel alone, don't be taken fir granted ,, she's obviously firgitten what the pressures were like for her beguile she met you.

All the best with whatever you do tonight, it's only one night in my opinion everyone makes such big sing and dance about it.. make your own party at home if you don't feel like going out, or just do whatever feels best for you, your in early stages though so it's gonna be tough, so can't really suggest anything really, as it's early days and your allowed to respond and feel how ever you feel, it's not healthy t always try and dictate to another how to feel, so just do you , tomorrow another day..