What a Sunday it started off well enough as Saturday i met up with a long term friend and we spent hours in a local restuarant catching followed by a visit to the cinema
It was refreshing just to not think about my problems so when I got home and my ex was there I just assumed she was just popping in for a visit She stayed the night and my family seemed normal for once.
My daughter, my son, me and now ex partner in my bedroom again catching up we ordered in take away and just talked until well into the Sunday morning
She Stayed overnight we weren't intimate but she slep in the same bed and I thought in my ignorance that we were making some kind of progress.
By Sunday afternoon she still had not left so we went out to run some basic household errands
It was just after 5pm we were in Sainsbury's last people to do shopping and we were getting on as we were in the days when it was good. When her phone rang and she answered after a few seconds she said to the caller "It's ok I will come and get my things it's fine" She started welling up so I we made exit for the store car park
I asked her what happended and then she said "It's ok this will make your mum and my mum happy it will give my daughter and son everyhing"
So after some discussion she confessed and the guy she had been seeing gave her some kind of ultimatum he wanted her to pack up and leave or I should leave the house as he can't stand the fact that she comes home and I am here...
I realise that I am far too invested in my recovery to even begin to considering picking up a bottle
Something I would not be able to do months ago but whilst she talked I drove back to the house and bloody Sunday traffic made the journey alot longing than it should be.
I kept thinking this is the women I have loved for 27 years plus and I am suppose to accept the current status quo without protest. Some people may think get out of there leave seperate
think about yourself but I have come so far and will not make anyon,or anything, bring me back to those dark days..
I spoke to my daugher and for once I never covered up anything this made my daughter cry
But I told her I am not going anywhere I will be right here to support my daugher and son to give them the support I never had from my selfish parents who even now in the old age bang on about each other as they sit lonely living seperately the worst advert for parenting and relationships
They are bitter lonely and constantly needy because the saw no value in a relationship
I do not want to end up bitter and alone..
I don't want to lose what's left of my ability to show kindness, love, joy because everyone I know does the samething
My mum lost her husband (my step father) 2 years ago she never really loved him and constantly reminded him that she only married him for compansionship as she didn't want to be alone and now she is alone and bitter,
My brother is alone after a break up after 18 years with his wife he now spends most of his time at my mum's slagging off his ex and he is bitter drowning himself in drink an drugs to the point it's destroying his health.
My sister is also on her own again after a failed marriage she wishes she could meet someone but seems to only to be able to attract married, or long term relationship, men so she rings me to state how independent she is but still can't find a good man
My ex partner's 4 sisters are all single, alone and her mum is your guess it,
alone. She never remarried after the her seperate when my ex was 14 so for nearly 40 years she has lived on her own and bitter...In this toxic mix we are suppose to know how to resolve relationship issues..
I suggest we go to RELATE but I am not holding out hope
So we seperate and this just proves that couples can not make it they are destined to go through a bitter break up and even if they meet new partners they bring so much baggage into the new relationship that the new relationship is in constant dange of failing..
I still have to function tomorrow, work, after work I have counselling for the heart medical,issues. Tuesday I have counselling for the Alcohol issues.., Wednesday the AA meetings and so the week goes on..
She left about and hour ago saying she was going to her mum's to spend the night
Before she left I explained to her that I love her I have made mistake through drink which lead to this so I take responsibilty for where we find ourselves but not to ever give up your children for any relationship... I am not interested in another relationship I need to fix myself first it's not fair on another person to inherit this mess/baggage and I would not be good to anyone in my current state..
Again no one ever knows what tomorrow has instore so I can only deal with today this moment and at this moment I am soooo pissed off it's not good