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Scared Confused and lost Newbie

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breatheinandout
Posts: 318
Joined: Mon Jul 17, 2017 10:03 am
Location: UK

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby breatheinandout » Tue Jan 23, 2018 6:38 pm

Hi Johnb,
How are you doing? I haven't seen you on here for a few days, but may have missed a post elsewhere.
Why did i pick such a long username?! Do call me Biao :D

johnbeln
Posts: 59
Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:08 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby johnbeln » Thu Jan 25, 2018 10:32 pm

Hi Biao

I am doing ok some good days some bad but i am approaching the days sober
Weirdiest feeling to see the world from a clear point of view

I haven't being posting as much due to AA and counselling sessions
I have a better understanding of depression, anxiety, stress etc..
I see that I used alcohol to mask these and it only compounded these issues
So being sober means I have to address them face to face and not hide behind the drink

Wow I am so impressed with Ob the way he has moved forward
I need to get some of his strength and determination.

i know what ever happens i am on the right path I have had problems from work to family
Typically nornal stuff but they haven't broken my resolve to drink
I have come close to picking up a drink but everytime I attend a AA meeting/counselling
It has given me the strength not to succumb

So Biao/Ob/Amaya, all of you, don't stop talking, offering advice, information , support, kindness all the things our family, partners and friends should offer unconditionally but they don't.
I find here in this forum with you guys.

Thanks guys again who knows what will happen in the future but I do know I must live in the present and just for the moment, thanks to you guys, the AA and counsilling, I can say I am doing ok

Thanks

JohnB

ob77
Posts: 40
Joined: Sun Dec 31, 2017 12:13 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby ob77 » Thu Jan 25, 2018 11:02 pm

Wow. Well done johnb. You are doing so well. Really proud for you. Compared to what you are going through, mine was easy.

As ive said on my post i think its only because i was a happy go lucky kind of guy before i met my ex that i pulled myself through this. I got sick of hearing myself moan to friends as much as they must have been sick of lustening, so i had a cold hard talk with myself, gave myself a few home truths and vowed to learn and move on. Ulimately thats all we can do. Some of us need medication, drink, whatever to help get there and im just lucky i guess that some of us dont.

I really am proud for you johnb. You have come such a long way since we both started this, and we will all be here on every step of your recovery. Just keep us informed!

Good luck and well done

Ob

johnbeln
Posts: 59
Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:08 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby johnbeln » Mon Jan 29, 2018 12:41 am

hi Ob/Biao/All

What a Sunday it started off well enough as Saturday i met up with a long term friend and we spent hours in a local restuarant catching followed by a visit to the cinema
It was refreshing just to not think about my problems so when I got home and my ex was there I just assumed she was just popping in for a visit She stayed the night and my family seemed normal for once.

My daughter, my son, me and now ex partner in my bedroom again catching up we ordered in take away and just talked until well into the Sunday morning

She Stayed overnight we weren't intimate but she slep in the same bed and I thought in my ignorance that we were making some kind of progress.

By Sunday afternoon she still had not left so we went out to run some basic household errands
It was just after 5pm we were in Sainsbury's last people to do shopping and we were getting on as we were in the days when it was good. When her phone rang and she answered after a few seconds she said to the caller "It's ok I will come and get my things it's fine" She started welling up so I we made exit for the store car park
I asked her what happended and then she said "It's ok this will make your mum and my mum happy it will give my daughter and son everyhing"
So after some discussion she confessed and the guy she had been seeing gave her some kind of ultimatum he wanted her to pack up and leave or I should leave the house as he can't stand the fact that she comes home and I am here...

I realise that I am far too invested in my recovery to even begin to considering picking up a bottle
Something I would not be able to do months ago but whilst she talked I drove back to the house and bloody Sunday traffic made the journey alot longing than it should be.
I kept thinking this is the women I have loved for 27 years plus and I am suppose to accept the current status quo without protest. Some people may think get out of there leave seperate
think about yourself but I have come so far and will not make anyon,or anything, bring me back to those dark days..

I spoke to my daugher and for once I never covered up anything this made my daughter cry
But I told her I am not going anywhere I will be right here to support my daugher and son to give them the support I never had from my selfish parents who even now in the old age bang on about each other as they sit lonely living seperately the worst advert for parenting and relationships
They are bitter lonely and constantly needy because the saw no value in a relationship
I do not want to end up bitter and alone..

I don't want to lose what's left of my ability to show kindness, love, joy because everyone I know does the samething

My mum lost her husband (my step father) 2 years ago she never really loved him and constantly reminded him that she only married him for compansionship as she didn't want to be alone and now she is alone and bitter,

My brother is alone after a break up after 18 years with his wife he now spends most of his time at my mum's slagging off his ex and he is bitter drowning himself in drink an drugs to the point it's destroying his health.

My sister is also on her own again after a failed marriage she wishes she could meet someone but seems to only to be able to attract married, or long term relationship, men so she rings me to state how independent she is but still can't find a good man

My ex partner's 4 sisters are all single, alone and her mum is your guess it,
alone. She never remarried after the her seperate when my ex was 14 so for nearly 40 years she has lived on her own and bitter...In this toxic mix we are suppose to know how to resolve relationship issues..
I suggest we go to RELATE but I am not holding out hope

So we seperate and this just proves that couples can not make it they are destined to go through a bitter break up and even if they meet new partners they bring so much baggage into the new relationship that the new relationship is in constant dange of failing..
I still have to function tomorrow, work, after work I have counselling for the heart medical,issues. Tuesday I have counselling for the Alcohol issues.., Wednesday the AA meetings and so the week goes on..

She left about and hour ago saying she was going to her mum's to spend the night

Before she left I explained to her that I love her I have made mistake through drink which lead to this so I take responsibilty for where we find ourselves but not to ever give up your children for any relationship... I am not interested in another relationship I need to fix myself first it's not fair on another person to inherit this mess/baggage and I would not be good to anyone in my current state..

Again no one ever knows what tomorrow has instore so I can only deal with today this moment and at this moment I am soooo pissed off it's not good

JohnB

ob77
Posts: 40
Joined: Sun Dec 31, 2017 12:13 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby ob77 » Mon Jan 29, 2018 1:12 am

Johnb

Sorry to hear all this but at least you have your answers. Well done on staying strong i know its not easy at the moment, probably the hardest thing u will have to do..

I know youre pissed off and you have every right to be. I was. But after a time it does become easier, believe me. It feels like it will take forever but its not.

It sounds like you have great friends who are there for you, and your kids so you can enjoy your time with them and use them as a distraction,

There will be dark times ahead, but we are all here to support you and you are doing so well, just take everything day by day and step by step

Stay strong

Ob

johnbeln
Posts: 59
Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:08 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby johnbeln » Mon Jan 29, 2018 11:15 pm

Hi Ob

Who knows what is going on I came home from my counseilling session and she was home infact she is sleeping next to me in the bed as I type this.

27 years and we are at this very strange point....

So for once I am not going to try to control anything I am just going to be me and get on with my life
I don't know what the next step is in my life is I just need to focus on staying sober

One day at a time tomorrow we will take when tomorrow comes

JohnB

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby amaya » Thu Feb 01, 2018 1:58 am

I just read your last few posts and I am so impressed with what you are doing. Sorry that I have not been responding on here like I did to start with. I think you are choosing what is important to you and making decisions based on that instead of avoiding emotional difficulties. It is a hard path but well worth it. I hope I don't sound patronising. I am trying to do the same and it is very hard sometimes not to fall back into old coping mechanisms, especially when big waves of sadness or anger come along. And that is why I am impressed.

johnbeln
Posts: 59
Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:08 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby johnbeln » Fri Feb 02, 2018 12:12 am

Hi Amaya

Thanks I can well do with the support
I think it's the unknown that causes the panic/anxiety
Change is scary especially when you have no control in the situation

I am so grateful for this forum and this group I know I can say how I feel with no judgement which makes it so easier to cope. I try my hardest not to show if I am hurting to my kids, and family as I don't think it's fair on them so this leaves not a lot of people I can talk too about what I am going through...
I know if I had not got counselling and the AA with this forum I most probably be drunk and suicidal
You guys are part of my new coping mechanism

When the panic/anxiety starts I take time out wether I am at work no matter what time of the day
I read the guides from the AA and read a few posts from this site to give me courage
When I drank it nulled my emotions, fears, panics and anxieties now sober these feelings are turned all the way up I can easily feel like I am about to pass out when one of these attacks happens but again I use the coping mechanisms I have learnt just to get through.
It's not a cure but then again alcohol didn't cure anything and looking back it made things worse which meant I drank more to over the feelings and so on.... Before I knew it I had lost my relationship, failed at work, close to losing my home and children.

I am just getting to know my kids sober and I love them. I am re-evaluating work so now it's just a means to earn money, but I am struggling with break-up with my partner

So hopefully if I can just keep on this path stay sober then my life will change for the better

Thanks Amaya your words keep me going

JohnB

johnbeln
Posts: 59
Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:08 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby johnbeln » Fri Feb 02, 2018 12:14 am

Hi Amaya

Thanks I can well do with the support
I think it's the unknown that causes the panic/anxiety
Change is scary especially when you have no control in the situation

I am so grateful for this forum and this group I know I can say how I feel with no judgement which makes it so easier to cope. I try my hardest not to show if I am hurting to my kids, and family as I don't think it's fair on them so this leaves not a lot of people I can talk too about what I am going through...
I know if I had not got counselling and the AA with this forum I most probably be drunk and suicidal
You guys are part of my new coping mechanism

When the panic/anxiety starts I take time out wether I am at work no matter what time of the day
I read the guides from the AA and read a few posts from this site to give me courage
When I drank it nulled my emotions, fears, panics and anxieties now sober these feelings are turned all the way up I can easily feel like I am about to pass out when one of these attacks happens but again I use the coping mechanisms I have learnt just to get through.
It's not a cure but then again alcohol didn't cure anything and looking back it made things worse which meant I drank more to over the feelings and so on.... Before I knew it I had lost my relationship, failed at work, close to losing my home and children.

I am just getting to know my kids sober and I love them. I am re-evaluating work so now it's just a means to earn money, but I am struggling with break-up with my partner

So hopefully if I can just keep on this path stay sober then my life will change for the better

Thanks Amaya your words keep me going

JohnB

johnbeln
Posts: 59
Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:08 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby johnbeln » Wed Feb 07, 2018 12:03 am

Hi All

I am not sure how to start this post
I am a little more upbeat but yet I am so worried that at any moment
this feeling will be taken away from me at anytime.

I don't want to feel happy because i have a dread feeling that within a few hours
I will be made to feel depressed again and I will be back to square one.

With the help of some good people I now recognise this is the begining of an anxiety/panic attack
So I started this post so I can put in writing these fears even if they are irrational in the hope that by putting it writing I can delay any attack.

I had a good AA meeting when it was finished I realised I now had to leave a safe place and return to the world I struggle with. If I can just find methods of addressing the anxiety and depression before it onsets,,, I would be drinking but this is not an option so the question is; Does anyone have ways to dealing with anxiety/panic attacks without medication I need stay as clean as possible?
There is nothing wrong with medication but I just cannot risk a relapse

Thanks

JohnB


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