Search

Support Forum

SANE Support Forum

Scared Confused and lost Newbie

If you're new and want to say hello...
johnbeln
Posts: 59
Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:08 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby johnbeln » Sat Jan 13, 2018 1:23 am

Hi Biao

Thanks for your words of encouragement
After reading your reply I found the nearest AA meeting to go to
I met a few good people who are going through similar problems
I deal with my mental issues by drinking or use to deal with my issues by drinking
so to have to face these issues sober is daunting to say the least in fact it bloody scary

I am begining to recognise the triggers, the little things that if they build up leads to me having an episode...

I understand that I will get the anxiety/panic attacks when life becomes too much but I need to learn to let go and not drink

God even as I am writing this I feel my stomach twisting

I am thankful for everyone on this site it makes me feel that I am not alone

Ok on to tomorrow the first full day without my counsillor's support
If it gets too much I will log on and vent but I need to prove to myself I can function from when I wake up to when I go to bed and have a good nights sleep by myself on my own

Thanks everyone

JohnB

ob77
Posts: 40
Joined: Sun Dec 31, 2017 12:13 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby ob77 » Mon Jan 15, 2018 12:55 pm

Hi johnb

How did you get on with your second meeting?

Ob

johnbeln
Posts: 59
Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:08 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby johnbeln » Tue Jan 16, 2018 12:12 am

Hi Ob/All

Soooo many things I wasn't even aware of came out in the review
Sooo many ways I used drink to mask depression, anxiety, stress,, lack of confidence,fear of life and living.

I have a long road ahead just to break down the things which drove me to drink
If I can at least managed them so I don't drink then I am making progress
It's like having a life long desease.

I want to know why I mess up my relationship so badly and still did not recognise anything
I want to know how to stop feeling the pain from loneliness
I want to know how to be happy with myself and not look to someone else to make me happy.

I need to move forward. I was abandoned as child for years me and my sister was left in charge of family friends in another country whilst my mother followed my dad
They told us it was for our own good but we were 4 and 5 years old we just missed our parents
They came to get us 3 years later by then most of the damage was done and then after all that m parents got divorced when I was 14.... Again we were moved to another country so more danage
We were at secondary/high school going to through exams, made friends and then we had to start all over again yet more damage no wonder i clinged to anyone who showed any kind of love to me
I didn't realise that I have all these issues around being abandoned it came out during the review
I was told if I had not stopped drinking it could have lead to a seizure/stroke especially with the heart condition..

Drink and risk getting a seizure/stroke or worst
Not drink and face the break up of my relationship sober !!!

2 hours went like it was 5 mins... I have been told to sign up to a meditation class to learn to how to silence my brain. I don't know where to start but I suppose I will have to give it a go

I miss my partner soooo much I wish I could take back all the things I did to hurt her
i have to manage all these emotions sober and it's painful just plain bloody painful

I suppose I am lucky if she hadn't left me I wouldn't have even started this process and who knows what would have happened

I thought my heart review was on the 18th it's actually tomorrow so I will be up early tomorrow at least i will know where I am healthwise tomorrow

Enough about me how are you getting on Ob?


JohnB

ob77
Posts: 40
Joined: Sun Dec 31, 2017 12:13 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby ob77 » Tue Jan 16, 2018 1:14 am

Hi johnb

Im doing well, but more importantly it sounds as if you are on the road to recovery. I know its hard but in the long run it will be worth it and it will get easier in the long run and if nothing else at least your kids will see their dad get old.

Keep us posted with tommorows results.

Good luck

Ob

johnbeln
Posts: 59
Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:08 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby johnbeln » Tue Jan 16, 2018 11:38 pm

HI Ob

The liver test came back nornal, a bit of good news amongst the shit
I will happily take this result as I was really worried that I may have some sort of liver problem as a result of all the years of drinking
I was in a much better mood at my counsilling session
This was a group session i just sat at the back a listened to all the other people in the group
People who as a result of mental problems had got addicted to drink, or drugs and even both
it was good to know I wasn't alone I man had broken up with his partner of 18years he was not coping very well and I saw all of the his response where just like ours
It was very wierd to hear someone actually speak about the pain but it meant I could learm from his experiences it was like he was telling my story and again it involved drink

I know no matter how much we love our partners we can not make them love us.
I would desperately want to work things out but if this is not on the cards I have no choice but to travel this painful road (sober)
On person said in the session that she had always put other people first and after 4 kids she has decided to put herself first, How can we be good to anyone else if we can't learn to be good to ourselves first, I miss her but I can't make her comeback I have to deal with that fact

One one One session tomorrow and no doubt more shit will come out about my childhood, youngers years which I managed to bury for years

Ob Have you ever thought about seeing a counsilor
You may get something out of it even if it's just reassurance that you are not on your own

JohnB

johnbeln
Posts: 59
Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:08 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby johnbeln » Thu Jan 18, 2018 12:45 am

Hi Ob/All

So came out of the review and they have given me a monitor at least I don't have to keep attending hospital appointments. They can get readings remotely for the inplant
So it's more good news I suppose although the program is over 3 years

Mentally I am not coping very well with the loneliness I know I give advise I should really follow myself.. But I find myself going back to square one when I talk to my partner as she just keeps stating that we are not together God those words just pierce me everytime and I find myself not knowing how to respond I miss her so much it's unreal

Anyway she is here so let me put my game face on and try not to respond to anything she says

JohnB

ob77
Posts: 40
Joined: Sun Dec 31, 2017 12:13 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby ob77 » Thu Jan 18, 2018 11:36 am

Johnb

Do as i have done and get on plenty of fish or tinder. I had absolutely no intention of meeting anybody as i know my head wasnt in the right place but my friends who use these sites told me it could be a great confidence booster, and it is. Ive been speaking to a couple of people on there and one of which seems really nice and she is slowly lifting me out of the funk i had gotten myself into, so much so that i think im ready to actually get out there and meet her.

The pain u are going through i know seems unbearable but trust me, each day does get easier and slowly each week will as well. I mean its taken me nearly 8 weeks to actually get me ex to start talking to me, and i feel so much better now as we are laughing and joking. We have finally ended on good terms and that has been such a relief to me. I think thats what i wanted all along as the initial break up i didnt take very well as u know. Lol. I didnt wanf us to fall out as we have a lot of mutual friends and i know sooner or later we will bump in to each other. I still want to smash the new blokes face in, but wont as still love and care for her too much. Ive just asked that if we ever get invited 2 the same thing for her not to bring her new man and i wont bring anyone either and thats made things easier all round.

Stay strong jb

Ob

breatheinandout
Posts: 318
Joined: Mon Jul 17, 2017 10:03 am
Location: UK

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby breatheinandout » Thu Jan 18, 2018 6:41 pm

Hi Ob, hi John, hi all.

Brilliant news on the liver test Johnb! Really pleased. How did the one-to-one counselling session go? I found therapy painful and emotional and exhausting. But better out than in I say :)

Glad the online dating is helping Ob. Take care of yourself on it though - its a jungle out there (i have had mixed experiences :lol: ) Are you being upfront about where your head is at with things? Just worried it is a bit too soon to be dating again (but you know yourself obvs so do ignore me). Brilliant that you and your ex are talking and you can tell her what you need - ie don't bring the new bloke to stuff.

If you did want to talk to someone about how you're feeling - Relate offer counselling over the phone and one to one, they also have live chat. At the bottom of this webpage there are some options https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship- ... o-and-move

Take care
Why did i pick such a long username?! Do call me Biao :D

johnbeln
Posts: 59
Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:08 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby johnbeln » Thu Jan 18, 2018 9:54 pm

Hi Ob/Biao/All

I actually emailed my ex partner at her work and actually asked her if she was willing to consider counsilling so for you to bring up relate is amazing as I was just looking up a details of centre near me. She said she would consider it so let see where it leads

You are right about the one on one session it was painful especially when I was asked to describe my short comings.. Wow writing things down black and white on paper just brought it home
It's a wonder she never left me a long time ago to be honest...
These are my first steps to making myself better and I guess I am just stumbling around at the moment...

Ob: I must have a different look about me as I seem to be attracting women
I have taken and given my number to a couple of woeem and they have rang and text me
I am not looking for anything sexual or otherwise as I am trying to work things out with my
partner but it is a great confidence boost and you are right just thst contact means I don't feel
as alone as when she first left
Biao is right just keep this women as good friends and you will find you can just relax no
pressure no expectations and if you are having a relapse you can just call text someone for a
nice uplifting
So next weekend I have arrange to go out for meal and cinema nothing stupid just some company rather than sitting in doors wandering if she will make an appearance

I have mentioned my daughter and son they have being brilliant
My daughter and my son as insisted their partners spend more time at their parents
This has been so much better because at anyone time there is so much less noise in the house and i can get tiem just to think

All in all I having a better time off it which I believe is getting to my partner as when she does turn up she goes into the whole thing about her being free, her life is better, etc...
It hurts when she says these things but I have a few more tools under my belt to cope

I have this forum and you guys
My counsilling sessions
AA meetings keep me focused and sober

I just need to get back and widen my social circle so when she is not here I am so busy to notice

Ob:

johnbeln
Posts: 59
Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:08 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby johnbeln » Thu Jan 18, 2018 10:17 pm

Hi Ob/Biao/All

I actually emailed my ex partner at her work and actually asked her if she was willing to consider counsilling so for you to bring up relate is amazing as I was just looking up a details of centre near me. She said she would consider it so let see where it leads

You are right about the one on one session it was painful especially when I was asked to describe my short comings.. Wow writing things down black and white on paper just brought it home
It's a wonder she never left me a long time ago to be honest...
These are my first steps to making myself better and I guess I am just stumbling around at the moment...

Ob: I must have a different look about me as I seem to be attracting women
I have taken and given my number to a couple of women and they have rang and texted me
I am not looking for anything sexual or otherwise as I am trying to work things out with my
partner but it is a great confidence boost and you are right just that contact means I don't
feel as alone as when she first left
Biao is right just keep this woman as a good friend and you will find you can just relax no
pressure no expectations and if you are having a relapse you can just contact her for a
nice uplifting chat

So next weekend I have arranged to go out for meal and cinema nothing stupid just some company with a long time friend that whilst she speaks to my partner she and partner has never really jelled. She is going through a rough divorce so it would be good just to catch up swap stories rather than sitting in doors wandering if my partner/ex-partner will make an appearance

I haven't mentioned my daughter and son they have being brilliant
My daughter and my son as insisted their partners spend more time at their parents
This has been so much better because at anyone time there is so much less noise in the house and i can get tiem just to think

All in all I am having a better time off it the last few days, which I believe is getting to my partner as when she does turn up she goes into the whole thing about her being free, her life is better, more exiting and how much she enjoying her new found freedom, etc...
It hurts when she says these things but I have a few more tools under my belt to cope

I have this forum and you guys
My counsilling sessions
AA meetings keep me focused and sober

I just need to get back to when we first met in terms of my social life.
I won't ignore our current mutual friends but I need to widen my social circle so when she is not here I am too busy to notice and I can do things with other people who don't know her
that way she won't mentioned in conversation etc...

Ob: If it makes you feel better to meet up with this lady just go ahead but just cover your arse
use this as pratice rather than anything more serious.. Be upfront let her know from the
start where your heart and head is and just stay strong



Thanks again guys and I will keep posting


JohnB


Return to “Newbies Room”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests

cron