Newbie and not-sure-what-I-got-but-something-ain't-right

[opalmoonstone]

Hello all! Relieved to finally have somewhere to officially put this out there and maybe get some answers. So happy to see this sort of community exists!
So, at the moment (actually it also went through a phase of happening a month or two ago), when I'm feeling super low and a tad self-destructive, this personality keeps surfacing. I'm fully aware of what's happening the whole time but this time around she is very much her own person and has more control over when she surfaces. She doesn't tend to when I'm socialising or wholly focused on doing something, as she doesn't want to be discovered, and overall she's a positive influence, very much with the mentality of "well if you're not going to enjoy life then I will". She has some separate personality traits but we sort of share the same core of being. I don't think she's much of a problem, but it was a little surprising when she returned this time as I thought I'd let her go and accepted that she couldn't really exist, but, like I said, she seems to have more of an influence. Also when she's talking I often forget what she's/I've said, like we almost have our different bits of brain to ourselves. I told my parents the first time this happened, but this time around I haven't as I don't want them to think I'm delusional and I don't think there's any point as she doesn't surface around them anyway (not that they'd be able to tell, easily anyway)
Just wondered if this was a thing? Like I know it is for me, but are others experiencing this? Guess she's sort of a survival mechanism.
Anyway, hope you all are having a nice day/night.

[teamn]

Hi,

I've not really got any knowledge of what your going through when she surfaces, so can't advice or comment specifically, but didn't want to just not respond . Hope you find some answers .

Take care and look after yourself

[mihaela]

Hi Opalmoonstone, and welcome!

It sounds as if you have a dissociative state - what they used to call multiple personality. These are caused by trauma or stress, or even induced by therapists and can be temporary or last for years. They often accompany depression and don't normally disappear spontaneously. No clear diagnostic criteria or definition exists, and they are much more common in females. It's not the same as delusions so it's not a psychosis like schizophrenia.

Is it accompanied by forgetfulness? I have a slight tendency to get like this when under great stress, especially during meltdowns - I have autism. Like you I just have two personalities, and it's more than just having a persona and a self. My 'self', the 'real me' is a very different thing to the 'me' that others see, but she is with me most of thetime when I'm alone, and surfaces when under stress. She has a different name and is much younger than me. When she is completely in control, I forget the person who's writing this now.

I know someone who has eight distinct personalities, each with their own names and ages, and which alternate daily in strict rotation! He's physically male, but they are all female. Try looking up derealisation, depersonalisation and dissociative identity disorder. Hope this helps.

[andthistoomustpass]

Hi.

I've never experienced full on disassociative identity but I hope this post helps a little.
While I don't disagree with anything Mihaela said there are milder disassociative states than full on identity disorders.
Sometimes these things, as real as they are, can appear at times of stress and disappear. It sounds like this occurance is stronger than the last. I would agree with Michaela that research is likely to be helpful but I would urge you not to over identify with any particular condition. If you feel she is gaining more control then I would definitely see my doctor. GP's are rarely expert on these issues, they refer you on if necessary, so going armed with your own research is a good idea. The MIND website is a good source of information.

[opalmoonstone]

Hello,
Thank Teamn, Mihaela and Andthistoomustpass - your replies are super appreciated, thank you so much for your support and advice.
Mihaela, it's nice to hear someone else experiences this sort of thing too. Yeah, I guess, I am forgetful, but that tends to be when she surfaces around other people - she just doesn't absorb what they're saying because she's so focused on maintaining her upbeat presence. However, I think I'm more inclined towards andthistoomustpass's in that I'm hesitant to think that I have a complete disorder - while I may have certain symptoms of a certain condition, I don't feel justified in saying I have the disorder, as this almost seems to make and accept this as a permanent and categorical thing (even though I know you, Mihaela, said these things can be temporary). I have had periods of an extreme low mood, and am very close to self harming, so she could be a manifestation of a self-defence mechanism.
Thanks andthistoomustpass, I'll check out MIND and keep what you said in mind (pun intended xD). While I want to seek someone professional, part of me's scared that they'll put me on pills that will just make the situation worse. At the same time, all of the me's agree that I need to talk to SOMEONE about it (hence I ended up on here - thanks again guys). But then there's also the fear that that someone will put it down to an over-active imagination. I think, ultimately, I need release, somehow, and I'm trying my best to stay away from self-harm, but the temptation is so very compelling. Think I just need some quiet, empty haven where people know exactly what I'm going through, if such a place exists. But until then, research, research, research, and then when that fails, distractions!

[amaya]

Generally speaking, pills are always optional. I have seen many doctors who would like me to take pills, and I have sometimes said no and sometimes yes. Right now I don't take anything and it has always been my decision. So I wouldn't use that as a reason not to go to a doctor.

Getting a referral to a mental health team with a psychiatrist and psychologist to talk to might be the best thing you ever do. You can still do all your own research, but ask their opinions about various diagnoses and see if that also helps you.

Whatever it is that you are experiencing, it is caused by something and it is this cause that needs treating. Maybe it is a trauma, or something else, I don't know and it would probably take a doctor to figure it out.. but if you had a referral, then you also have the opportunity for therapy to help deal with the underlying issues. Because this is a symptom, not a cause. It is a coping mechanism for a situation that you need some help with therefore.

[opalmoonstone]

Okay, yeah, I think I will seek a GP's help then. I'm confused about the stem of this whole situation, so it would be good if someone else could help me with identifying that. I don't think I've suffered what could be classed as "trauma", nothing abusive as such, and objectively I live quite a nice life. Nothing in my genetic history except perhaps depression, so it's a bit of a mystery. Thanks for your advice

[amaya]

Let us know how it goes with the GP. I would definitely ask for a referral to a specialist. Good luck!

[opalmoonstone]

Will do! Appointment's next Friday, so I'll give an update then roundabouts. I'll make sure to ask about that. Thanks again

[amaya]

That's cool
It is awesome you are going to try it. Sometimes it is hard to make that first step.. but I am sure it can't do any harm to ask all the questions.