Amaya

[amaya]

"That's awful, are you able to take a step back and observe, to recognise that it is just a feeling?
Can you recognise that, as bad as it feels, you have come through dark feelings before and they really can't hurt you?"
I know that. But when I am in a crisis I don't know it anymore. The feelings become my identity because they are so strong I cannot feel anything else. It doesn't make for good decision making or survival. It is horrible. I am trying to learn this and to bring it to my hard moments... but there is always a point when it stops working and I just need someone to help me.

[Isap]

Yep, same applies to me. Am in total agreement. Its ironical and tragic that we both know exactly what to do and think when in crisis yet it sometimes doesn't work.

[amaya]

I think it is because what we know is intellectual knowledge.. but the emotional and physical experiences are reactions that belong to more primal parts of our brains and limbic systems.. they work faster than thoughts so if we begin a certain response it is not possible to apply the intellectual knowledge in time to stop it and once you are in a particular state it is not possible to think clearly anymore. At least that's my working theory.

But probably also why mindfulness and yoga and those types of things are so good. They are preventative medicine because you are everyday reordering your brain (amygdala?) and learning another way of being that (I hope at least) will lead to a different kind of primal reaction. But it is preventative.. I don't find it helps to start meditating when I am already in a crisis.

Those are my thoughts anyway.. it is a developing idea about how to move forwards and to understand myself.

[andthistoomustpass]

Hi Amaya

I know that. But when I am in a crisis I don't know it anymore. The feelings become my identity because they are so strong I cannot feel anything else.

Yep. It's a bugger isn't it. I used to get so frustrated when the professional advice is to pause and take a step back because, too late!

I have been able to catch some triggers before they pull and actually not enter some overriding states of thoughts and feelings. Key to that has been recognising precursors and pausing at that early stage, grounding, distracting or challenging myself to switch to a different track. Doesn't work for everything and it does take time to create the new habitual reactions but it is a worthwhile effort.

Of course that approach doesn't work when there are no noticable precursors, when a tsunami of emotion or a subconscious decision appear seemingly out of nowhere and overwhelm every other part of you.

I agree that your preventative approach of slow re-education of your subconscious is a good way forward. I've had considerable success with this, although still have a long way to go. If I can do it, so can you.

That is my experience, of course it may be different for you.

[teamn]

I definitely agree that mindfulness is preventative, that's what hit me through the pad year, I've not tried yoga as yet, maybe when I get settled I shall. But yup it's about changing habits, and habitual thinking patterns and creating new ways f managing and being in control of your thoughts.

I've not studied it, just kinda do it each fat and stay in the moment. Unfortunately though when the depression kicks in hard , I unable to do it, but I do itched that the dark days are are not lasting as long and I think that's due to the combination of things, medications, therapy, honest sharing, acceptance, and loving myself and being kind to myself.

[amaya]

I agree with you both entirely I recognise my own learning process over this in what you both say. Not something there are any shortcuts to.. and there will always be moments where we are out of control.. but I think that is just human and one of the reasons we survive is that we can respond faster than thinking time when we need to. Shame the survival technique hinders our survival in the current world.

Now I need to find a way to make myself follow through with what I know is good and actually meditate every day that it is possible to do so. Some way that doesn't turn it into a duty that I want to react against.

[amaya]

I wanted to already be up and busy by now but I am having real difficulty getting going because I have two really hard days in front of me. I'm exhausted from months of not sleeping properly.

[amaya]

Just right now I have to write a list of what my goals would be for a therapy. That is very hard to do because I just want to work everything through in an open way and what I learn from mindfulness is not to think about goals so much so instead I have been trying to put words to what the problems are that I want to work through. Dutch words haha. My support worker is coming here in less than an hour so I will get through it with her and send the email while she is still here because I am so full of panic about what happened last week I don't feel like I can email the therapist on my own. I don't like him actually. He is young (not a bad thing) but then also arrogant, unprofessional and stupid. And he is my only access to what I need so I have to find it in myself to work with him and find things to feel okay about that.

I started typing it here but then realised too many of the points in the story would make me identifiable if anyone from my past would find my posts here. Unlikely, but it made me uncomfortable enough not to want to post it.

Typing it in a notepad file now. Wish me luck nice people, I am not feeling like I can do this alone.. and I am feeling very alone just now. I am not really alone, not ultimately. But I am having to face my life by myself in many ways right now and I do not feel that I am strong enough to do that. And I wish I didn't have to. I am very vulnerable.

[Isap]

Hi Amaya

You are far stronger than you think you are. Vulnerable yes but not alone and I think most of us here feel vulnerable. Imagine if there were people on this forum who were not struggling and wrote bright and breezy and self satisfying comments. I know from experience on other forums how they make me feel.

Hope this therapist business gets sorted, I'd say there's a good chance you'll get to like the guy despite his bad points. I don't have much therapy experience and ha e disliked all but 2 of the 6 or. 7 I have paid for, but just having someone who listens is helpful in itself.

All the best

Isap xx

[amaya]

Thanks Isap, that is great advice. I sent him a really clear email this morning about what my goals were for the treatment. So that should help to guide discussion tomorrow. I have decided he gets a chance, even though he was very unprofessional last time. But I am taking a notepad and if it happens again I am going to stop and write down what the issue is instead of reacting. It will give me time to decide whether to address it with him then or later, or if I need to talk to someone else. I am hoping it will go better than last time. I really want some help and to start treatment, but I also want to make sure that it is the right treatment.