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Amaya

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amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Mon Nov 06, 2017 3:14 pm

I am doing a bit better than I was the last two weeks. Filling my time with more people and activities. I am still not sleeping properly so this is getting really rather exhausting, but my mood is better for it so that is a good trade off for me.

Today I was just starting to feel my mood drop again so I have been here reading a few threads and somehow it has cheered me up a bit. I think it gives the feeling that I am not alone in these struggles and that even thought we don't really know each other, the fact that we are all here reaching out a little bit means that there is a large group of people that care, and understand.

I think I am just weepy all the time I am alone because I am lonely and that is okay. Also I am tired because I don't sleep properly due to physical problems.. which is also okay. I don't enjoy these two facts.. but I am trying not to fight with them. But yeah.. I am super lonely.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1615
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby andthistoomustpass » Mon Nov 06, 2017 10:50 pm

Hi Amaya

I will find the time to answer your email at some point. Not sleeping well sucks a goat's bum. I hope you get back on track with that soon. It must be terrible to feel so alone but you are coping with it, the fact that you are persevering shows you are coping, even if it doesn't feel like it. How is your place coming along? Got it all kitted out how you want it yet?

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Tue Nov 07, 2017 12:36 am

Never worry about how long it takes you to reply :)

My troubles with sleep are caused by a muscle problem rather than it being a problem with sleep itself, so I am really not sure if I can fix that any time soon. But it would be so nice to get to sleep a bit earlier.

Thanks for the encouragement. It really helps me to here from others that I am doing okay, because I am always doing my best, but you are right, I don't feel like I am doing good enough.

The place is coming along okay. I have enough for a functional life here. I haven't got floor down anywhere yet so it looks a bit unfinished and I only have one picture on the wall. To be honest it is not the most important thing for me. If I had lots of money I would just order a bunch of things just so it would be done, but I don't so I am just letting secondhand things appear whenever they do and that seems to be slowly working. This place feels like my rehab place, a place where you learn things about yourself, not a home as such, more like an upgrade from the hospital.. The money I do have I would rather spend on petrol for doing fun things with friends, or clothes because I lost a lot of weight so nothing fits anymore..

One positive thing I have done is signed up for a diving lesson to see if I can do it. If I can manage it then I want to save up for a wetsuit and some diving kit. I have always wanted to try it. I went swimming again tonight for an hour. My stomach muscles feel like I did 200 situps because I am not used to it anymore, but I really enjoyed it.

In short, at the moment I am a weird mix of hope and loneliness. One moment full gas life grabbing and the next crying.

deb1960
Posts: 1747
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby deb1960 » Tue Nov 07, 2017 7:06 pm

Hi Amanda,

Loneliness must be really hard to deal with.

You seem very positive too. As you say you feel hope and lonely.

Are there any support groups in your area. Mental illness is hard to cope with on your own. Like you, I find this site helpful.

Sorry my reply isn't well written or particularly helpful.

Take care, Deb x

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Tue Nov 07, 2017 10:30 pm

Deb your reply is perfect :)

I am a positive thinker most of the time. I tend to look for solutions for problems immediately. But it is my emotions that are unstable and so the intellect based searching for solutions doesn't always work, in fact most of the time it doesn't and then my mood drops and after a short while my thought processes join in and I find myself feeling lonely and then not thinking too positive anymore.

There is nothing like Mind in Holland, but I have a support worker who visits me twice a week, there is a day centre I can go to two days a week and I have friends and am trying to increase my social life and hobbies so that I have some support. But I do love that this site and others struggling with their mental health are online 24-7 to offer a place to rant about things and share support. It helps when there isn't anything else there. I have a crisis line I can call if things get really bad. But I haven't actually had to use it for quite a few weeks now.

I am going to give you a challenge Deb.. because I think you are a sweet caring woman and I am always happy when you post on my thread.. my challenge to you is that the next time you post here, that you be proud that you are there for me and saying encouraging things.. that you try not to worry about what you have said or be apologetic about it. I am a bit the same when I post, I worry too much that I am saying the wrong things. But you are always so kind and so welcome to post here :)

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Wed Nov 08, 2017 3:16 am

sometimes when my body doesn't work and I can't sleep and I am lonely I feel like I am going to break, this is one of those times. I hope by telling you guys I get that feeling out and can fall asleep

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1615
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby andthistoomustpass » Wed Nov 08, 2017 10:11 am

Hope it worked.
x

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Wed Nov 08, 2017 10:49 pm

It did help. But I am scared of how low I can get sometimes.

deb1960
Posts: 1747
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby deb1960 » Thu Nov 09, 2017 6:36 pm

Hi Amaya

I think when we have times when we feel so fragile we can wander, well I can, if it's actually possible to come out from that point, the intensity is so great.

I hadn't realised you're in Holland. Over here we have the Samaritans, I don't know if I mentioned them. Many people think they are there for those who are suicidal. They are for anyone who needs to talk and are better than many health service counsellors. They don't give advice but listen and say the odd thing. When I'm struggling I 'check in' with them and find it helps me to connect with my logical side. All the workers are volunteers. I really do admire them.

I hope last night went better for you. Do you have friends who live nearby?

You set me a challenge. Have I passed.

Deb x

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1615
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby andthistoomustpass » Fri Nov 10, 2017 4:11 am

Hi Amaya

How are you doing today?

Diving sounds great! Glad you enjoyed the swimming too!

It sounds like you have a sensible approach to spending, would it be cheeky of me to paraphrase it as 'Things are only as important as the social interactions and experiences which they enable'?

You are coping really well. Out of the hospital, living independently, making friends, building a life and working to make tomorrow better than today. All we can ever ask of ourselves is that we try to act in accordance with our values and that we do the best we can at the time. It seems to me that you are living up to that remarkably well.

Loneliness is crap. That is another huge submerged iceberg emotion which is currently surfacing for me. More about that on my thread.

I hope things are going as well as you could reasonably expect.

Take care
x


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