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Amaya

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amaya
Posts: 730
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Sat Oct 21, 2017 7:22 am

This morning my anxiety levels and low mood are really very high. Not as bad as they can be, but some of the worst I have had. It reminds me of being in the hospital it is so bad.. I have no one to see this weekend, one person I can chat to on Skype. But nothing happening in my life here. That is probably contributing, but I also cannot stop thinking about Xmas and how I am not going to make it through those days. It has been a while since I have had a mood swing drop me this low and it scares me. I am trying acceptance. But I would rather have people in my life. I never ever wanted to live alone and I never will. I miss living with people. Especially him. But right now I don't care who might be sleeping in my spare room, I just wish there was someone there.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1693
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sat Oct 21, 2017 7:39 am

Hi Amaya

*Massive Hugs*

I feel for you. That 'alone' feeling is so tough to get through isn't it?
You can always talk here, not the same I know but you do have friends here

Is there anything you can use to remind yourself that feelings pass?
Is there anything you can use as a distraction right now?
Anything that will bring your focus back to the here and now?

Ps

The Rimmer joke make me laugh!
Thanks!

amaya
Posts: 730
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Sat Oct 21, 2017 10:04 pm

Thanks for the hugs.. I don't think there are enough of them in the world! :)

I have never actually had to make it through the alone feeling before. I have sometimes been alone, but always really temporarily. Never had a place of my own before. Usually if a relationship is over I have gone in search of something to avoid that feeling. This time I can't do it anymore. This time was my first time belonging with someone for real. This was my first actual home. The first time that all those other thing that a human can go and do to make the lonely go away won't work anymore. So I am facing it for the first time and it is really the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am not really okay, more like having to be because the other options are not options.

Being able to talk here makes a big difference. Also listening is good. You inspire me from all the work you do on yourself to get better and develop yourself, and Em is inspiring for her unstoppable positivity and giving spirit. I'm glad you guys told me about this site :) I haven't really had too much energy to read through the other threads, just a little bit, but when I can I will read more.

I did actually manage to tell myself that it would pass. Then I did my meditation whilst crying and I actually think I also managed a tiny bit of acceptance for the sadness I am feeling. I almost completely freaked out, but then I didn't. Then I learnt a little bit of Dutch and that occupied my mind. So I survived, but then I really cheered up because W invited me over to watch football with his mum and we ate together, so then of course I was okay because I wasn't alone. Then I came back here and broke down completely. Had a very nice Skype call with a friend in the US and now I am feeling okay again. Especially because now I am online now talking to someone again. Basically I am okay with people, not okay alone. The best I can do is accept that it is okay to not be okay. And it is horrendous. Terrifying. Really f miserable. Hahaha

I am doing my best and your advice is good.

Glad someone got the Rimmer joke :D

Sunday is the day when I can definitely rest, which is a good thing, but when no one here does anything and nowhere is open.. so I will be definitely alone for the whole day so I am hoping that I will wake up feeling better than I did today. Which will be hard because I am already awake later than my sleeping pattern should be.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1693
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Oct 22, 2017 1:05 am

Hi

Facing that 'alone' feeling for the first time must be horrendous. You are doing well to cope. Your experiences with W reminds my of a song lyric, 'After having seen such riches how can I live with being poor.' (James - Sit Down) It must be so difficult for you right now.

You inspire me too. Doing our best in the moment is all anyone can ever ask of themselves, you are doing an amazing job. As for Em, the only word to describe her is magnificent. Such determination, force of will, energy and compassion all while dealing with chronic pain, starvation and feelings of isolation and other stuff too. Wow! If it wasn't for her health I reckon she'd be Prime Minister before long and doing a damn sight better job than the one we have too. One thing I am certain of is that, once she is back on her feet and sets herself a clear direction, she will achieve.

Hugs are fabulous, I discovered hugs quite late and take every opportunity to share one with my friends, strangers too after a drink!

Your point about narratives is really interesting. I largely agree with the psychiatrist but, like your comments on language, I need time to really think about it when not obsessing over an impending exam.

I hope you are fast asleep by now.

Take care of yourself and keep doing what you are doing.
*Huge, warm, safe, hugs*
x

amaya
Posts: 730
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Sun Oct 22, 2017 12:31 pm

Reading what you said about being alone after what I lost made me cry. I don't think I am coping. Surviving yes, putting things in place so that I might cope in the future, but mostly just hoping I won't have to do this forever, but coping, not sure what I am managing is on that level yet.

I would vote for Em :) haha
Agree with what you say about her and I hope she reads this for the compliments.

Anything I hear about the news in the UK makes me glad I am not living there anymore. But I am taking a break from politics to rest from the stress I had.

Hugs are amazing. I couldn't hug anyone at all when I first went into hospital. But that is related to my PTSD, anxiety and trust issues. Now I love it if I can give my friends a hug :)

Sorry I keep trying to engage you in an interesting conversation because well.. it is interesting. But I will stop it and let you study haha

I was awake until nearly four. The worst night I have had in well over a month now. I think all the sadness I've been carrying around inside just hit some kind of limit and came bursting out. I did a lot of crying a talking to people on Skype last night and then played games on my phone until I felt calm enough to try to sleep. It was really hard. But that used to be everyday and now it has been such a long time since I felt that bad so I hope it is just a blip.

Trying to take care of myself. But I didn't make it out of bed yet. I started learning morse code. It is more distraction than self care, but it helps.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1693
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby andthistoomustpass » Mon Oct 23, 2017 10:22 pm

Hi Amaya

Sorry I made you cry. That song gave me such comfort way back when. How is it going today?

amaya
Posts: 730
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Mon Oct 23, 2017 10:52 pm

It is okay. Crying is not bad. In fact it might even have been good to get it out. It made me cry because what I had in my relationship was the best part of my life so far. I don't know what I am without it and I never have known. But there with him I had the begin of my real self for the first time. It really was riches. That's why it made me cry, because it was true. I don't mind that :)

Today is actually going okay. I am feeling loneliness all the time really acutely. But I am working on my acceptance skills and I have done positive things for myself: I have meditated when I planned to, studied, cooked, showered, gone walking to the coast, played video games.. I just should have been unwinding and going to sleep more than an hour ago and instead I am still online reading etc because I am trying to avoid how lonely I know I will feel when I lie down to sleep. But I really need to sleep so I will try to make myself do it soon.

Tomorrow I want to see if I can do my mediation before I go out to my art class. I read that first thing in the day is better when possible, so I need the sleep!

Thanks for asking :)

amaya
Posts: 730
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Tue Oct 24, 2017 2:28 pm

I decided that today was a non day.

Couldn't sleep last night until really really late again. Missed my art class this morning. Was so incredibly low and exhausted. So I have decided not to do anything at all, unless I especially feel like it. So I am staying in bed all day so far and my plan is just to wait it out until bedtime and then try to go to sleep early. No pressures at all. I haven't struggled this much in a long time and so I am trying embracing it instead of fighting with myself.

Tomorrow I have a busy day planned with lots to do, so I am hoping that the extra rest followed by lots to do and social engagements again will snap me back out of this blip.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1693
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby andthistoomustpass » Thu Oct 26, 2017 10:40 pm

Hi

You are allowed a non-day. Indeed you deserved a non-day for all the work you have been putting in. I do admire you for all your efforts and progress and for remaining 'you' throughout it all. Did you enjoy Wednesday, was it as full as you hoped? How is your sleeping pattern, any better?

amaya
Posts: 730
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Fri Oct 27, 2017 7:46 pm

Thanks :)

Wednesday was great.. a positive meeting with the support worker followed by a really nice lunch with W's mum, followed by an awesome afternoon with a friend and then my Dutch course which I always really enjoy.

The sleeping pattern was a real disaster haha. So thursday morning I really didn't feel good. But I had a meeting with the support worker and then I had a really nice afternoon/evening with W. Even though I was really tearful at times and he was exhausted, everything went well between us and it was really so great to have that time with him.

Today was another full day.. I am deliberately doing loads to not get into another slump! This morning I went to W's to do some cleaning while he was at work, then I did my shopping, visited a friend, picked up some furniture. Then after dropping things off here I drove out to the coast and went swimming for an hour. That was amazing. There was the beginning of a sunset and a huge rainbow.

I feel much more myself. I have even stopped feeling stressed about sleeping patterns :)


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