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Amaya

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sirhugo
Posts: 365
Joined: Mon Nov 13, 2017 12:40 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby sirhugo » Fri Dec 08, 2017 9:39 pm

cant say im familiar with the game but i dont really play pc games. im a console man. not a huge fan of rpg. im more into action/adventure/survival style games like resident evil or tomb raider. enjoy a good strategy style game as well on occasion

sometimes a good cry is just what you need. gets it all out

that phrase " Sometimes I don't feel like I can get through. And then I do it anyway" hits home. you dont know how you get by, you just do. sometimes it best not to think about it and just let the autopilot take over.

and your very welcome. i dont give out compliments easily. only to those who deserve it :D

hopefully tomorrow will be better for both of us

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Fri Dec 08, 2017 9:43 pm

I think we pc gamers call those first person shooters.. I am useless with them on a console, but can handle it relatively well on a pc. Some of the online servers are multiplatform now I think??

True, I think crying is the body's way of getting hard emotional stuff out.

The video games help with the autopilot. Otherwise I literally never stop thinking.

Thanks anyway. It is nice that you are so supportive :)

teamn
Posts: 389
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:10 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby teamn » Fri Dec 08, 2017 10:32 pm

Hi I'm glad the session was productive, seems a lot that you've worked through most definitely. Finally some answers, and some way to hopefully work through to manage the disorders., I can imagine that is so draining, trust me, I definitely can imagine that. and the brave face part, is kudos to you, but yes it can be very exhausting and draining. I think we dig down so farm to fight and go through to manage recovery, or understanding what on earth is going on for us, and ontop of that your sleep is so sporadic, due to the muscle pains, no wonder you feel the way you do...big big big hugs to you.

obviously since my ast poat things has progressed and I red that you feel uncertain, I don't mean to sound like a jack arse, but I definitely get that feeling, the whole rug pulled from under yoi, obviously my feelings are different and yoir are based on your process your going through, for first time, it must be so debilitating, but guess what,,that feeling will pass, I'm sure of it, with the theraphy youll get given tools to help support yu, and partnered with your own resourcesfullness, and determination that horrid feeling will stop..its just having a plan in place that important, a direction a way out and I hope that you get that with the help of the services your seeking support from.

In terns of not knowing who you are, yes (get that -sorry), but you are you, change is inevitable in life, I know to change all that you know is a totally different thing entirely, but as physical beings residing on this planet earth, in this physical workd, we dotn get to decide what change means or looks like, I guess we only get to decide how to respond to it, and your so far from what I read determined to get through, so big hugs again, as you have had sucha great deal pf change and information to deal with in such a short space of time.. thank you so much for sharing by the way.

cant believe your a gamer, lol,,,,errrgghhh, lol :lol: .. please don't tell me you enjoy football aswell.. just kidding though whatever assists, and its such a non harmful leisure activity so enjoy, wish I could join in on that part of discussion, but I'm totally miffed, so ill give it a wide bearth!!

lots of love, Nats

Are you comfortable within his sessions now, or does it still cause you anxiety?

I read on a post that you was howling at the moon with your Austrian friend, that made me smile, I remember when I sue to do that, it so freeing and liberating and so funny for sure.

amaya wrote:The session was productive.

We were working through the various personality disorders to see if I have any of them. Apparently I have two. I guess that is productive even if it makes me feel utterly miserable.

The nothing left to give probably applies to just about everything.

I didn't manage to sleep.

Technically I am going on okay with everything because I seem to have found a way to do that. But I am utterly, utterly miserable, tired, lonely and do not know what to do with myself right now. I just wish I wasn't alone anymore.

Putting a brave face on it but really really struggling with all this. I am having to focus on the positives to get through all the driving, the muscle problems, making sure I don't cause any stress to anyone else. And when I stop, like now, I suddenly realise how low I am.

We didn't talk about the trauma yet.
He didn't think I had aspergers.

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Sat Dec 09, 2017 11:25 am

I am just posting this here so that I don't forget it:
"People rarely come to a psychotherapist to have their characters transformed; they mostly want solutions to specific problems in their lives. Being dependent is normal. We are all born totally dependent on others, and human interdependence continues throughout life. Close ties with others make us feel more secure, and wanting to share experience is normal. People with strong dependent traits are particularly sensitive to the feelings of others and want to perform well, if only to please. They can lead better lives if they are helped to cultivate social skills and the capacity to show their need for guidance and protection in appropriate instead of compulsive and submissive ways. A therapist may be able to help them just enough so that a personality disorder becomes a personality type — polite, agreeable, thoughtful, disliking solitude, respectful of others' opinions, and preferring to be a follower rather than a leader."
It was the conclusion of a newsletter from Harvard medical. One of the more positive views of DPD that I have found.

It is also only one component of who I am because despite having a great need for others I also am a natural leader and have been in that role many times in my life. I am a very capable person. It is just that I can't get emotionally close to someone without fear of losing them, and one of my conditioned behaviours is then to retreat into the dependent part of my personality. That is something I can see a bit more clearly now.

So yes, Teamn, it is the beginning of some better understanding. Thank you so much for the hugs :) always good.

Thanks for what you said about things getting better. I do think for the first time in my life there is a good chance of that. It is just frightening to finally be going there. Your own life you build up things, unhealthy things to be sure, but things that work to keep yourself going. And all of a sudden you have to let go of one branch and jump through the air not sure if you are going to make the next branch or not. I am frightened almost to death actually. But between living unhealthily, or giving up completely, both of which seem unacceptable now I am pushing myself forwards with all this.

"but as physical beings residing on this planet earth, in this physical workd, we dotn get to decide what change means or looks like, I guess we only get to decide how to respond to it" so true.

I do like football. I used to play as a kid, one of only two girls the boys would let on the pitch and then later in a girls league haha. I even like watching it :) And gaming.. yes I am a nerd. Just another reason to ignore gender stereotyping as if we didn't already have enough reasons. As people we should just do what we like. Never mind if you are a boy or a girl. Although I do really enjoy playing the girly role too.. just never had much confidence in my own femininity.. but it is there and I want to enjoy it too.
lots of love, Nats

"Are you comfortable within his sessions now, or does it still cause you anxiety?" I still have massive, massive anxiety and that isn't really getting any better, but I am handling it better every week. Until I start being helped by the process I don't expect this will change.

Also the guy himself is really hard work. Doesn't display empathy apart from the barest amount. This may be a deliberate choice but he doesn't explain himself either so I wouldn't know. We wouldn't be friends in the real world and he regularly makes me angry. For example he rang me yesterday to discuss appointment times and the conversation involved reorganising things. I found it difficult and started crying. After we resolved the practical issues he hung up while I was still crying.. he said goodbye and when I couldn't answer the phone just went dead. I find that unprofessional actually. Especially with a client who was recently at risk of suicide. So I phoned him back and told him so. I told him what I needed and he then gave me some very good advice actually. So we weren't on the phone for more than about a minute or so and then I said goodbye. So he is learning too. In my first appointment he hadn't even read my file.. he didn't know I had even been in their hospital which is in the adjacent building. So he is not ideal. But I can work with it if the end result is an accurate diagnosis and treatment that works. But the man himself does not make me feel safe. At that is very triggering for me. I guess I am just sucking it up because I don't have a choice.

I am incredibly vulnerable due to content matter of these interviews and they haven't progressed to the point of treatment yet, that won't happen for about three months after the diagnostic process is completed. So it is all the problems and none of the solutions. Thinking it all through is making me realise things about myself that can't help but break down some of my existing coping mechanisms and I have not yet learnt anything to put in it's place. That is terrifying.

"I read on a post that you was howling at the moon with your Austrian friend, that made me smile, I remember when I sue to do that, it so freeing and liberating and so funny for sure."
Hey there is a chance once a month to get out there and do it XD

Thanks for your lovely post :)

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1300
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sat Dec 09, 2017 12:07 pm

The quote from the medical newsletter is excellent, a lot of truth in there. We are all on a spectrum and move along various spectra throughout our lives. Every human being has their own mix of quirks and charms. It is only when some of them have a persistent negative impact on your life but we still can't break the pattern that it becomes an illness.

A diagnosis is a label, not a life sentence. It is not who you are, it is the best fit to how to approach treating one part of you right now. As you said, there are other parts of you too. When you go to a doctor the focus is on the illness but someone with a broken arm should never forget that the rest of their body still works just fine.

I know you have difficulty seeing it but I, and I'm sure everyone else here, sees a strong, warm, empathetic, intelligent, caring woman. One of your protective behaviors happens to be retreating into vulnerability and dependency. As you say, that is only one facet of the whole person I am very glad to know.

This may be a deliberate choice but he doesn't explain himself either so I wouldn't know.

Fairly certain it is a deliberate choice. Could be for any number of reasons but all likely to be in the interests of your treatment. Could be to test your reactions or to not give you the validation or other pay off you are seeking, help you find another way of relating. It could simply be that he is protecting himself. I know I would have to keep my empathy in check, keep a part of myself reserved in a job like that.

I do think for the first time in my life there is a good chance of that. It is just frightening to finally be going there. Your own life you build up things, unhealthy things to be sure, but things that work to keep yourself going. And all of a sudden you have to let go of one branch and jump through the air not sure if you are going to make the next branch or not. I am frightened almost to death actually. But between living unhealthily, or giving up completely, both of which seem unacceptable now I am pushing myself forwards with all this.
That is all so true and so wonderful to hear. Keep engaging with the therapist, take that jump when you have therapeutic support in place. You are so capable of reaching the next branch, of moving out of the cul-de-sac of repeating long stale patterns and seeing life fresh and new. You will still be you, simply you with other points of view, other options for how to thing, feel and act. It really will be worth the effort, you are worth the effort. I will be rooting for you every step of the way and I am sure your other friends will be too.

Any news on when the actual therapy may start?

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Sat Dec 09, 2017 1:35 pm

Thanks. For all of that.

It is still not certain that I can have the therapy. He is planning at least three more appointments with me before making that decision. The next in on Wednesday next week and then the other two will be a couple of weeks after that. If I do get offered the treatment there is then a three months wait I think.

caro
Posts: 96
Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2016 2:21 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby caro » Sat Dec 09, 2017 7:56 pm

I hope you have had a better day today Amaya ?

I was reading about how your therapist put the phone down on you when you were crying and couldn't answer. You are right, he really should not have done that. It would have caused me immediate additional distress, and likely to have triggered something serious in terms of safety.

Well done for phoning him back and telling him how it made you feel.
I am unable to engage with anyone who does not show me empathy, and validates what I am saying. I have no problem with being told I am wrong, but need my emotions recognised too.
I have had to change CPN due to these issues, so I know exactly where you are coming from regarding your concerns about trust etc.

I am so pleased Mihaela has contacted you. It was Mihaela who alerted me to female Autism. I was initially in denial, partly due to classic autism in my family, which I most definitely do not have.
I have a lot to thank her for, and I do not think she realises what a big input her replies have made to me.

I worry sometimes about posting here, because it can be negative for me if I have no replies, or someone does not understand me. However, the things I have learnt here are invaluable, and I am very thankful for Sane. I hope it has the same positive impact on your recovery too xx

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Sun Dec 10, 2017 1:02 am

Yes I have had a better day thanks. It started really hard but it has gotten steadily better ending with a really nice evening with friends :)

Yeah, I will have to see how it goes with him.. if he is to become my main therapist and his behaviour remains the same it may be a problem. But nothing is certain and at the moment for the diagnostic process I can work with it. But what you said is exactly how I think and feel about it myself in terms of what I need and how inappropriate and unsafe it was.

Mihaela was actually trying to help someone else on a thread here and I started reading just so I could understand the conversation and was surprised to see a correlation with my own childhood. But there could be multiple reasons for that.

I think being here will really help me and it is already. So glad it has helped you too.

Tonight I am feeling very grateful for my two friends here in Holland. We are all very different, me from the UK, and the others from Spain and Austria. But we are building a real friendship and today we were all in one place for the first time in ages and I really really enjoyed it.

This morning I was feeling really desperate about my future and now I am feeling a warmth.

I hope you are all sleeping well x

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Sun Dec 10, 2017 1:51 pm

Struggling a bit today.

Next week will be really heavy, two appointments on Monday, no art class until a month from now, another appointment for diagnosis on Wednesday, another appointment on Thursday.. and not nearly enough fun things this week. Plus I have to clean my whole place because I invited the girls over on Friday. Finding it really hard to get going today. I have to sort out a new health insurance and I hardly have any money left for petrol and food. Plus I have a cold.

It is snowing but I haven't got what it takes moodwise to go outside and play like I want to and I don't own a hat, scarf or gloves anyway.

I feel like I should be enjoying myself and I can't.

deb1960
Posts: 1567
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby deb1960 » Sun Dec 10, 2017 3:49 pm

Just remember that today isn't great but you'll have a good one soon and will enjoy yourself then. As for all your appts, well you'll be glad when the week's over!

Take care, Deb x


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