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Amaya

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amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Thu Nov 30, 2017 1:21 am

I can't sleep again. I am a sleep deprivation experiment sometimes. Lots of times.

Isap
Posts: 1558
Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby Isap » Thu Nov 30, 2017 6:00 am

Hi Amaya

I'm sure you'll sleep after that therapy session

I read a book called Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, it was boring but had some good stuff which I copied into my notebook

"Even if there is little that seems good about those we feel different from, we can still remember that, like us, they want to be happy and free from suffering"

It all goes back to forgiving people for their undesirable traits.

Hope that helps a little

Isap xx

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Thu Nov 30, 2017 7:29 am

I think for me that is less helpful because I am usually finding excuses for people treating me badly and putting up with it. I can better learn about boundaries. But thanks for trying to help :)

So tired I don't know how to go on today. I am really low. Worried about being too tired to drive. Feeling pretty desperate and lonely. Scared to go to my appointment. Don't feel like I can do any of it.

Isap
Posts: 1558
Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby Isap » Thu Nov 30, 2017 8:02 am

Hi Amaya

You will go to that appointment

A strong espresso coffee or energy drink before you drive?

Just an idea

Isap xx

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1245
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby andthistoomustpass » Thu Nov 30, 2017 8:33 am

Hi Amaya!

Wow! The last week has flown for me, hope it has for you too. Subjectivity is strange isn't it? On a day without the appointment looming you would probably make the drive without too much thought. With the appointment, do the problems appear bigger?

For me, my fears get stronger at the times I try to help myself. There is a strange comfort and sense of safety in maintaining even the most damaging of patterns, especially if we subconsciously perceive or mis-perceive that they have paid off in the past. I'm wondering if your fears are being troublesome in a misguided attempt to protect you from getting help?

You will be fine today, the notepad is a great idea! Let us know how it goes.

teamn
Posts: 313
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:10 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby teamn » Thu Nov 30, 2017 10:44 am

Morning ,
Last edited by teamn on Thu Nov 30, 2017 10:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

teamn
Posts: 313
Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:10 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby teamn » Thu Nov 30, 2017 10:57 am

Morning ,

Yup you'll get to the appointment, but honestly if you don't then rebook, I have cancelled appointments and then rebooked. But fir me I don't cancel the early appointment even though I really wanted to,I pushed myself to go and glad I did or else 3 mo this later I would be in the same lace, insteAd of a lighter place.

I think my suggestion as always, is to not give yourself hard time, if it's really too much to go today, then cancell, why put more stress n yourself, but you must commit to go to next appointment. I've realised my depressstens from me puttin way too much pressure on myself, I think that that's why I say that as suggestion, this may or may not be the same for you, just wanted to let you know , feeling overwhelmed by pressure will not help you recover , it will hinder it.. instead congratulate yourself fir the steps you've made , even if you don't do everything on your to do list, it's fine, this is what I've learned from my counsellor, notice the things you have done or can do rather than what you can't, and don't best yourself up.

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Thu Nov 30, 2017 4:11 pm

Thanks Isap. There was never a question of not going, just didn't feel like I could. But I went anyway because I have to get help no matter how hard it is. That was something I have been determined to face for more than six months now so I would have to be incapable of going not to go. But I just wanted to tell someone how terrible I felt before I forced myself out the door. It is very hard to keep doing things that feel impossible. It helps to tell about the feelings.

ATTMP, I don't think it is a question of problems appearing bigger. They actually are harder because of the appointment. I am thinking it all through so I can't sleep. I am having those unconscious ptsd things that make my muscles tense and make doing the basics harder. And I get migraines so when I am overtired I have to load up on painkillers to make sure I don't lose my eyesight. If it was a question of perspective then I would feel great about going because I am desperate to get through this process and hopefully start some treatment.

And no, the last week feels like it is about a century long haha.

Glad your week is flying by though :) That either means you are having fun or that you are too busy!

"For me, my fears get stronger at the times I try to help myself. There is a strange comfort and sense of safety in maintaining even the most damaging of patterns, especially if we subconsciously perceive or mis-perceive that they have paid off in the past. I'm wondering if your fears are being troublesome in a misguided attempt to protect you from getting help?"
Interesting. I don't have this, but something similar. Actually I am really excited about the idea of getting help, what frightens me is facing the incredibly dark place that I carry about inside me. It hurts in there. Like all your worst nightmares in one place and I am frightened of who I might become after facing this. I also don't want to change so much that I stop caring about the things I care about now.

Didn't need to use the notepad. He was much more professional in his manner today and I also took things more slowly and breathed a little inbetween. It was still very hard but I did it. Next time we are going to do some diagnostic work and then he will have a better idea of whether or not the MBT is suitable for me or whether I need to be referred elsewhere. So I am going back next Wednesday.

Hi Teamn, thanks for your encouragement :)
I needed to push myself through it because like you said, if I don't do it now it is all waiting for me later.

W's mum came with me for support and we had lunch at her place before I came back to my place. I am so grateful that she is there for me.

After getting back I got into bed with the heating on high, fully clothed with the duvet and blankets, even a hoody on and I shivered for a full hour. I think I was in some kind of shock. Eventually I managed to make myself a cupasoup, a cup of earl gray, hot, and ate an extra sandwich. I finally stopped shaking. But I am still pale and not feeling at all myself.

He noticed that I was very sad telling him aspects of my story. He asked me to stop and let myself feel it. I explained to him about the dark place inside and that I wasn't safe to do so. And why. At first he was reluctant to listen, because he wanted me to sit with my own feelings. When I was done explaining what it was and what it would do to me and how unsafe it made me feel, he also changed his mind about making me sit with it. That was a massive relief. But I did promise him that I wanted to face it, but only in the context of some structured therapy, not in a getting to know you appointment when I would get no support for what I would go through. He seemed to understand and it has given me a tiny bit of trust in him that was totally missing last time and I told him that honestly too. So it feels like making progress.

So in short, I am not afraid to get help. But even talking circles around the real problems puts me in a very weird state. I was nearly sick driving back to my place. You know when you have to breathe gently through an open mouth so that you won't actually do it and if you tip you head forward you would just be sick. Horrible. I am afraid of what I feel and what it can do to me. But I want the treatment so that I can work it all through and stop living like this. This isn't living anyway. It is a weird sort of existence.

I'm going to call it a victory today. Exhausted beyond words. Thank you all for being there it helps :)

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1245
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby andthistoomustpass » Thu Nov 30, 2017 5:56 pm

Hi

I'm not surprised that you are in a bit of a state after the appointment. I think you made the right decision about waiting until support is in place before staring into the dark. I went the other way during an assessment and dealing with what was behind the door I opened was impossible alone. I ended up... Well this is you thread but I will say it was bad. Glad you are well on re way to getting help. Fingers crossed for the MBT

deb1960
Posts: 1525
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby deb1960 » Thu Nov 30, 2017 8:28 pm

You must be absolutely shattered Amaya. You're very brave seeing your counsellor especially given your feelings about him. Your commitment to getting well is fantastic. It's such a tough journey though.

You take care, Deb x


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