Thanks Isap. There was never a question of not going, just didn't feel like I could. But I went anyway because I have to get help no matter how hard it is. That was something I have been determined to face for more than six months now so I would have to be incapable of going not to go. But I just wanted to tell someone how terrible I felt before I forced myself out the door. It is very hard to keep doing things that feel impossible. It helps to tell about the feelings.
ATTMP, I don't think it is a question of problems appearing bigger. They actually are harder because of the appointment. I am thinking it all through so I can't sleep. I am having those unconscious ptsd things that make my muscles tense and make doing the basics harder. And I get migraines so when I am overtired I have to load up on painkillers to make sure I don't lose my eyesight. If it was a question of perspective then I would feel great about going because I am desperate to get through this process and hopefully start some treatment.
And no, the last week feels like it is about a century long haha.
Glad your week is flying by though
That either means you are having fun or that you are too busy!
"For me, my fears get stronger at the times I try to help myself. There is a strange comfort and sense of safety in maintaining even the most damaging of patterns, especially if we subconsciously perceive or mis-perceive that they have paid off in the past. I'm wondering if your fears are being troublesome in a misguided attempt to protect you from getting help?"
Interesting. I don't have this, but something similar. Actually I am really excited about the idea of getting help, what frightens me is facing the incredibly dark place that I carry about inside me. It hurts in there. Like all your worst nightmares in one place and I am frightened of who I might become after facing this. I also don't want to change so much that I stop caring about the things I care about now.
Didn't need to use the notepad. He was much more professional in his manner today and I also took things more slowly and breathed a little inbetween. It was still very hard but I did it. Next time we are going to do some diagnostic work and then he will have a better idea of whether or not the MBT is suitable for me or whether I need to be referred elsewhere. So I am going back next Wednesday.
Hi Teamn, thanks for your encouragement
I needed to push myself through it because like you said, if I don't do it now it is all waiting for me later.
W's mum came with me for support and we had lunch at her place before I came back to my place. I am so grateful that she is there for me.
After getting back I got into bed with the heating on high, fully clothed with the duvet and blankets, even a hoody on and I shivered for a full hour. I think I was in some kind of shock. Eventually I managed to make myself a cupasoup, a cup of earl gray, hot, and ate an extra sandwich. I finally stopped shaking. But I am still pale and not feeling at all myself.
He noticed that I was very sad telling him aspects of my story. He asked me to stop and let myself feel it. I explained to him about the dark place inside and that I wasn't safe to do so. And why. At first he was reluctant to listen, because he wanted me to sit with my own feelings. When I was done explaining what it was and what it would do to me and how unsafe it made me feel, he also changed his mind about making me sit with it. That was a massive relief. But I did promise him that I wanted to face it, but only in the context of some structured therapy, not in a getting to know you appointment when I would get no support for what I would go through. He seemed to understand and it has given me a tiny bit of trust in him that was totally missing last time and I told him that honestly too. So it feels like making progress.
So in short, I am not afraid to get help. But even talking circles around the real problems puts me in a very weird state. I was nearly sick driving back to my place. You know when you have to breathe gently through an open mouth so that you won't actually do it and if you tip you head forward you would just be sick. Horrible. I am afraid of what I feel and what it can do to me. But I want the treatment so that I can work it all through and stop living like this. This isn't living anyway. It is a weird sort of existence.
I'm going to call it a victory today. Exhausted beyond words. Thank you all for being there it helps