Postby amaya » Thu Feb 08, 2018 11:51 am
Thanks Deb.
I find that I am doing okay and just doing my best to get on with all the things I have to do and that I know are good for me. But then whenever something comes along to disturb me emotionally I don't seem to have any protection for it and it knocks me so far down.
Yesterday I sat in the living room on the sofa for the first time on my own. Just to be in the living room instead of in the bedroom. It was hard and it made me cry a lot because I don't feel safe here on my own. But I did it and I am sitting there again now. Hard to get used to another environment when you have ptsd. I got the keys for here in June last year. Bed feels safe because I make it feel familiar. But my back is really starting to hurt. I am a pretty active person these days and try to go out and get exercise every day. But when I am here on my own I stay in bed but because of my back I can't anymore, I guess that was just too many months sitting in the same bad position with my laptop there.
Today I feel very lonely and tired.
Everything is a struggle.
Good news, I have finally got a referral for a trauma treatment and I am waiting for someone to call me to set up an initial appointment. A bit frustrating because the psychiatrist could have actually done this a month ago (maybe also a year ago).. but I still don't have that bloody time machine so I should probably stop complaining. I hope this time something will work out for me because I really need some help with how I am suffering inside. I went past breaking point years ago and I have had enough now. The psychiatrist had wanted to do all the diagnostic work first, but he said he sees how much I am not coping and wants me to have some treatment quickly. So now we are going to do the diagnostic work at the same time. It is scary of course because it is something new and I don't know what will happen, but anything has to be better than endless waiting and not having any therapist to talk things through with. That is what I think I want most of all, someone I can talk to every week to put my daily struggles into some kind of context so that I know what to do about them. I want to get better now.