Amaya

[Isap]

Hi Amaya

Thinking of you.No point forcing yourself to post when not up to it. Same applies to me. I'm finding it hard to do anything right now.

Isap xx

[amaya]

ATTMP it does help and I didn't even notice that it was about you because I knew why you were doing that. I am not sure that without a psychology degree that we have a good basis for saying anything much to encourage each other besides our own experiences.

Thanks Isap. *hug* for no particular reason except that I know I missed some times where you had needed one

Tonight I am telling myself that I have survived my worst days so far. And that is the reason I think I can maybe lie down to sleep without having a panic. I hope. My telephone is broken so now crisis line for me.

[amaya]

I woke up with another nightmare.

I have to go out in ten minutes and I am not even out of bed yet. I feel weak and shaking in the way that you do after something terrible has happened. This is how I wake up almost everyday but today it feels worse somehow and I am totally exhausted. If I didn't have to go out I would just curl up and cry for a long time. I am tired enough that I need to go back to sleep but I wouldn't dare because I can't take another nightmare. This is one of those days where I don't know how to keep going.

[deb1960]

Amaya, although you don't know how to keep going the day will pass. You will find you coped. We think coping must feel positive. Coping is getting through the day. If telling us how you feel helps tell us. We understand your pain and although empathy doesn't take yout pain away we are honoured to be part of your life

Lots of hugs to you, Deb x

[amaya]

Thanks Deb.

I find that I am doing okay and just doing my best to get on with all the things I have to do and that I know are good for me. But then whenever something comes along to disturb me emotionally I don't seem to have any protection for it and it knocks me so far down.

Yesterday I sat in the living room on the sofa for the first time on my own. Just to be in the living room instead of in the bedroom. It was hard and it made me cry a lot because I don't feel safe here on my own. But I did it and I am sitting there again now. Hard to get used to another environment when you have ptsd. I got the keys for here in June last year. Bed feels safe because I make it feel familiar. But my back is really starting to hurt. I am a pretty active person these days and try to go out and get exercise every day. But when I am here on my own I stay in bed but because of my back I can't anymore, I guess that was just too many months sitting in the same bad position with my laptop there.

Today I feel very lonely and tired.

Everything is a struggle.

Good news, I have finally got a referral for a trauma treatment and I am waiting for someone to call me to set up an initial appointment. A bit frustrating because the psychiatrist could have actually done this a month ago (maybe also a year ago).. but I still don't have that bloody time machine so I should probably stop complaining. I hope this time something will work out for me because I really need some help with how I am suffering inside. I went past breaking point years ago and I have had enough now. The psychiatrist had wanted to do all the diagnostic work first, but he said he sees how much I am not coping and wants me to have some treatment quickly. So now we are going to do the diagnostic work at the same time. It is scary of course because it is something new and I don't know what will happen, but anything has to be better than endless waiting and not having any therapist to talk things through with. That is what I think I want most of all, someone I can talk to every week to put my daily struggles into some kind of context so that I know what to do about them. I want to get better now.

[Isap]

Hi Amaya

Glad to hear that you are getting some professional treatment at last. It can never be a bad thing.

I know what you mean about bad back. I've been lying down nearly all day for over 3 years, spine loses all its strength, sitting without back support is painful.

You're coping much better than you think, I'm impressed you can do it all living alone

Isap xx

[amaya]

Thanks Isap. I have managed to make friends and I can go out and about to do different things and change my mood with those things. Yes when I come back here I am alone and it is hard, but at least I can do those things. I have no idea at all how you can do it without being able to leave.

Also the treatment isn't definite, it is a referral. So I will need to go to an intake appointment and they might decide that the treatment is not right for me just like the last one. I am feeling really hopeful, but trying not to get too hopeful in case it doesn't work out. It is a hard balance to maintain. You must have the same in prison, you need some hope or you can't go on, but not too much so that you can't cope when you have to deal with things not going in a positive direction.

[amaya]

Day 3 of using my sofa in the living room. Still feeling weird and really low. At least I have somewhere to go later today and people to see. A friend here I haven't seen in a long time invited me over. I don't really feel well enough to go. I woke up at 0500h with a migraine and I feel weak and shaky today. But I think it will do me good to go. I have the scuba diving later tonight in the same village so I am hoping my mood will improve and stay better whilst I am out and then when I come back I can just get straight back into bed which is really where I want to be right now. I think I have PMS at the moment because I usually get those kind of headaches before my period. My mood is harder to cope with then too. Or it could be any number of things. I am doing my best every day and every day it is still really really hard. Too hard to say that I am enjoying life. But I do have some moments that are okay.

[andthistoomustpass]

But I do have some moments that are okay.

From small acorns...

[deb1960]

Hi Amaya

I know it's only wee moments but they are relevant though its hard to see when you're low.

Scuba diving.! Perhaps it's routine to you but I'm super impressed.

Take care
Deb x