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I don't know what has/is happening to me

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michelle71
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Oct 09, 2015 7:29 pm

I don't know what has/is happening to me

Postby michelle71 » Fri Oct 09, 2015 7:31 pm

For some time now I have not ‘felt like myself’, at least that is the only way I can describe how I feel. I feel as though I have lost touch with who I am, lost my confidence and control of my emotions, thoughts and behaviour.

I believe that the root cause of this is my work as I work under a bullying management; countless colleagues have been driven out over the years which creates an environment of fear. I have been bullied several times but have always managed to fight back but again another new manager has taken a dislike to me – she has bullied out about eight people in less than a year! (I am not horrible but I am competent and this is apparently something bullies dislike, anyway that’s a different story). I have reached the point where I think I need to leave but my GREAT fear is that it isn’t work causing me to feel like this. I am scared that I will leave my job and lose my salary ( I won’t find a new job straight away as I am a teacher and most vacancies are Sept) and it will turn out that it wasn’t work and that is just my nature to be miserable and ungrateful. I also feel ashamed of myself for not putting up a fight. On the other hand, I am scared of myself right now also, I am destroying a wonderful relationship with my partner by shouting at him and being no fun etc., I am having intrusive thoughts about hurting myself, I have spent two of the last three weekends in bed, I have a permanent headache, my vision has gone blurred, I am constantly counting my fingers and toes, I have vivid dreams every night, I can’t focus or else my thoughts run wild and I am taking handfuls of Calms throughout the day.

I don’t know what to do for the best, if I knew that leaving would make all of this go away then I would but I don’t know if I should hang on in there –maybe I am wrong about the cause of my anxiety and depression. I feel so lost right now, like I am between a rock and a hard place. I feel that working in such an environment has made me a meaner person, a person that I don’t like.

I don’t know if I am being a self-indulgent fraud coming here for help but I just need to get my thoughts clear and give my poor boyfriend a break – he tells me to just to leave but I am scared that it won’t make anything better and this is just me.

Thank you for your patience in reading this.

cmw
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Oct 10, 2015 6:51 pm

Re: I don't know what has/is happening to me

Postby cmw » Sat Oct 10, 2015 8:22 pm

I am no expert. I would. however, think there can be no harm in utilising all the professional help you can get.

Your GP - you definitely sound depressed

Your Union - there should be help available for workplace bullying.

Counselling - There is a huge wait on the NHS, but private sessions are about £50 an hour, and may help you crystalize your thoughts.

Whatever you do, don't do nothing as the situation will only fester and get worse if you do nothing about it.

cmw

michelle71
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Oct 09, 2015 7:29 pm

Re: I don't know what has/is happening to me

Postby michelle71 » Sun Oct 11, 2015 12:40 pm

Thank you for taking the time to respond, I appreciate it.

I have typed up a resignation letter - not really thinking about the financial side (which may be stupid) not sure when will hand it in as have also contacted the union and would like to hear if they think I have any other options. I have a good work record and attendance and as much as I could get some time out I don't want to have to declare that to a future employer and I would just have to return to the same environment. Only I feel like a bit of a coward but I clearly remember this time two years ago sitting at home with a panic attack over the way they treated me, I guess enough is enough. However, I suspect the woman who has been bullying me will continue to do so because she isn't going to get to 'play' with me now and prove her worth to the big boss. Last year a colleague handed his notice in and she continued to bully him to the pint he walked out one day two weeks before he was due to leave! She doesn't like to have the rug pulled form under her feet! So I will still have to field her off once my notice is handed in – as a teacher the first leaving date would be Christmas.

dizzcostu007
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Oct 12, 2015 7:36 pm

Re: I don't know what has/is happening to me

Postby dizzcostu007 » Mon Oct 12, 2015 7:54 pm

Hi,

So firstly there is no stigma attached to you raising points. Don't feel bad about feeling under pressure as by the sounds of it you are doing as well as you can.

My advice would be to consider the following options:

1). Is there anyone you can raise this with officially?
2). If you have a union raise it with them.
3). Have you spoken to acas? Bullying is tougher than harassment as sadly we don't have as good a set of rules covering this, but you still have options.
4). Speak to a gp. You may need to take off time from work to recover.
5). Do nothing. That's not meant as a dig, that is a genuine option.

I would say take a day off somewhere. Maybe get a hotel yourself one night and think through what is the least you can cope with?

Just don't beat yourself up. You're doing great.


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