For some time now I have not ‘felt like myself’, at least that is the only way I can describe how I feel. I feel as though I have lost touch with who I am, lost my confidence and control of my emotions, thoughts and behaviour.
I believe that the root cause of this is my work as I work under a bullying management; countless colleagues have been driven out over the years which creates an environment of fear. I have been bullied several times but have always managed to fight back but again another new manager has taken a dislike to me – she has bullied out about eight people in less than a year! (I am not horrible but I am competent and this is apparently something bullies dislike, anyway that’s a different story). I have reached the point where I think I need to leave but my GREAT fear is that it isn’t work causing me to feel like this. I am scared that I will leave my job and lose my salary ( I won’t find a new job straight away as I am a teacher and most vacancies are Sept) and it will turn out that it wasn’t work and that is just my nature to be miserable and ungrateful. I also feel ashamed of myself for not putting up a fight. On the other hand, I am scared of myself right now also, I am destroying a wonderful relationship with my partner by shouting at him and being no fun etc., I am having intrusive thoughts about hurting myself, I have spent two of the last three weekends in bed, I have a permanent headache, my vision has gone blurred, I am constantly counting my fingers and toes, I have vivid dreams every night, I can’t focus or else my thoughts run wild and I am taking handfuls of Calms throughout the day.
I don’t know what to do for the best, if I knew that leaving would make all of this go away then I would but I don’t know if I should hang on in there –maybe I am wrong about the cause of my anxiety and depression. I feel so lost right now, like I am between a rock and a hard place. I feel that working in such an environment has made me a meaner person, a person that I don’t like.
I don’t know if I am being a self-indulgent fraud coming here for help but I just need to get my thoughts clear and give my poor boyfriend a break – he tells me to just to leave but I am scared that it won’t make anything better and this is just me.
Thank you for your patience in reading this.