This is the first time I have posted in a forum. I have so much to say, and yet am completely speachless. I've often thought of writing a book of my life, but realize now it would simply be the ranting of a undiagnosed___?
I am just going to give it a go...rant starts here
I am in my early 30s, attractive by most reports, employed and financially secure and self supporting, and successful for my age. I have built my own house, have 10 acres of land, a beautiful car, and almost my every physical wish realized...and I am completely alone.
I want to say I have ruined relationship after relationship, but I can't say that it was completely my fault. I have either chosen relationships which were doomed to fail, or been the reason they failed. I have been called "crazy" by each one of my partners at one time or another. I am too the point where I do not argue this anymore, but look in curiosity wondering what patterns I can't see. I call myself the 3 week girl. Though the timeline has varied from weeks, to months, to years, I have continually been the woman men fall madly crazy head over heals for, only to shut down and leave or become so withdrawn that I eventually ask them to leave. I have been accused of being hypercritical, overemotional, too serious, intense, and just writing this I am overwhelming myself. I wouldnt want to be with someone with those qualities. I would never want anyone to stay with me who felt that way, and yet, instead of telling me they wait and shut down more and more, then eventually there is no love left, only animosity. Though several of the men in which relationships have ended with wanted me back after it ended(both when it was their decision and mine),several have not. I am independent to a fault. There is little I cannot do, having grown up with a father who wanted a son, I can do everything from weld, change my oil, run heavy equiptment or fish. I also have training in massage therapy and look descent in a dress(men usually say more than desent). Yet...I just ended my 3rd relationship in which I was engaged to be married...
can somebody out there relate or help... I know I need help, I want to help myself, but I do not know where to begin. I have done everything from acupuncture and alanon, to traditional counceling and EMDR for PTSD(I have anxiety, depression, ptsd and every partner tells me I also am bipolar, yet my therapists have all disagreed thus far. I dont want to be this person who just can't see what they are doing. please advise. Prayers for all of those who struggle. Peace