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Scared Confused and lost Newbie

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amaya
Posts: 611
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby amaya » Mon Jan 01, 2018 2:52 pm

I just caught up on your thread. Whatever 2018 has in store it sounds like there will be a lot of change.. which is always painful while you are working things out. I will also have that this year. But what is on the other side of the painful working through of things is better days. And that's what I am putting my focus on, that notion that if I keep doing the right things, keep working on myself, that this year can become something good. I think the same will be true for you because right now you are in the messy problem identifying phase of things, after that comes working it all through, and then you have good times to look forward to, even if you can't imagine or feel it at all now.

How are you doing today?

johnbeln
Posts: 41
Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:08 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby johnbeln » Mon Jan 01, 2018 8:33 pm

Hi Amaya

I here you I need to focus on me this year...Whatever happens I need to put myself first
Just now I asked her straight out if she is seeing someone else and she said no

i will leave it at that and just make sure I am ok emotionally and mentally

Thanks


JohnB

johnbeln
Posts: 41
Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:08 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby johnbeln » Thu Jan 04, 2018 12:50 am

Hi All

It has been a couple of days since i lasted posted
It has been ups and downs really the only thing which has kept me level
is the fact that as soon as I could get some space i can post my feelings

I seem to be strong at sometimes and a lttle later just so down
i found myself crying in the shower as the water just masked the sound then
I come out and act as everything is ok

i knew this would be hard but i never thought I would be so weak
I want to know if we will get over this but at the moment i would rather not ask her anything

i have to laugh as just before the Xmas break the boiler failed and this could only be fixed today as we need a whole new boiler (thankfully we had insurance). Then Monday late night the fusebox blew so now we had no heating, light, again this was done today

My daugher stayed in the house with me on Tuesday but she spent night elsewhere
I didn't expect her to stay to be honest. But she did ring me to find out if I was ok
Now we finally have heat, hot water and light/power I expected her to leave but it's after 11pm
she is still here.

i wish I could just not respond to anything she get's upto but it's my mother's birthday tomorrow
and we would normally visit together she has not mentioned anything I don't know if to get a gift and pretend it's from both of us or just to get something from me either way I know i will be going to see my mum by myself

This is the thing I am not looking forward too the questions from my mum about what's happening
I know my mum wants us to work things out as my mum sees her own daughter

Sorry for the rant but I just need to clear my thouhts before my next counsilling session
Sooo much things I wasn't even aware of comes out in these sessions
I thought I was over these things but they were driving me to pick up a bottle
I am desperate for a drink but I know if i touch a bottle it will be my end

I can't believe I am about to post this but here we go
I was diagnosed with a heart condition called HCM basically onside of my heart wall is thicker than the other this means the 2 sides can be out of sync and the only I find out what has happended is when I wake up having passed out
I am getting treatment but I was not allowed to drive since May and i recently had a heart op
It has been a long list of treatments,appointments and consultants and yes I drank heavily throughout the whole thing.

Everyone have their own way to cope mine was the bottle

Again I could really do with a drink right now !!! Just to drown/numb these feelings

My next sessions is Tuesday I need to stay clean I just need to get through this without going back to bottle
You really don't know how much alcohol is everywhere until you are not allowed to drink

JohnB

ob77
Posts: 30
Joined: Sun Dec 31, 2017 12:13 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby ob77 » Thu Jan 04, 2018 1:23 am

Stay strong johnb. I know how easy it is to grab the bottle as my dad is a serious alcoholic and alcohol abuse runs throughout my family.
Feel free to rant as i have found the process of just writing down my thoughts here has been a great release and comfort, especially when great people like yourself are there to listen and give a comforting word. Something so little can mean so much.
Just know there are those of us on here who will always listen when needed.
Place the bottles out of sight, and put something in their place as a distraction. Maybe a cherrished photo, something to remind you why you are doing what you are doing.
Enjoy your time at your mums, and remember, as much as she loves your wife, she will always love her boy 1st and will always love him regardless of what happens, especially with what you have been through this year.
Good luck.

Ob

johnbeln
Posts: 41
Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:08 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby johnbeln » Sat Jan 06, 2018 9:47 pm

Hi Ob

My Mum's Birthday was very good
I stayed away from the Kitchen as there was plenty of alcohol knocking around
I did go by myself but whilst I was there she rang to wish my Mum a happy birthday
I signed the card and presents on behalf of both of us but wrote a seperate message in the card from me.
My brother was completely drunk and so I can see what a drunk looks like from the other person point of view and it's not pretty. She hasn't been home since Thursday but I am slowly getting use to it. I can't wait for my counselling session on the 9th
Another Saturday night alone i never saw this coming and I honestly just need to deal with this
one day at a time!!! One Day at a time

Keep strong Ob

JohnB

ob77
Posts: 30
Joined: Sun Dec 31, 2017 12:13 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby ob77 » Sun Jan 07, 2018 1:10 am

Hi johnb.

Im glad to hear you are well. I was wondering.

Im starting to feel myself again now. Ive had 3 days straight where i havent felt down, i still feel alone but no longer feel depresed. I decided 2 take matters into my own hands and i have basicaly made sure there is no doubt that its over and took some of the control i thought she had over me back. Basicaly, when i was made to leave, i left with my clothes and a handful of dvds she didnt want. This week i started asking for some other things, tools, dvds, pictures, etc back mostly my things that she dosent need but also some things i know she wants to keep but knows i either bought or want for myself. I know its petty but its given me a sense of control which i needed.

I still know in my heart of hearts if she asked me back i would go but i also know i could never trust her again. I miss her so much and thought we would be together forever. I feel more and more alone every single day that passes but i also feel happier now than i have for a while, and it hurts actualy realising that and i think i am now seeing signs that i may have missed while we were together, but its too late, and ive lost the only thing i think i truly ever loved :-(.

Stay strong johnb. It does get easier eventualy.

Ob

johnbeln
Posts: 41
Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:08 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby johnbeln » Sun Jan 07, 2018 4:44 am

HI Ob

It's 2:30am Sunday morning and she walked through the door again i can't do this
Why do I have too if she has somewhere to go why don't she go

I asked what happened for her to be home she snapped mumbled something about
no one knows her life and she wish everyone would stop telling her what to do

I made the mistake of calling her "babes" and she responded with
"Don't Call Me Babes I AM NOT YOUR BABES"

I told her i was not expecting her tonight and I have only spoken to her briefly on Friday as no one could track her mum down and a carer had left a message on the house phone saying they need someone with a key to check her mum's home to makesure everything is ok.
I volunteered to go but she said she would take a break from her job to check
Her mum was ok she had not heard the phone or doorbell when the carers had called.

so I am the one who is confused as I had not heard anything since that brief conversation on the phone and I assumed she would not be home so when she walked through the door when everyone expected her not to be home with her overnight bag then my daughter, and my son and me are surprised and worried something had happened.

My daughter has had enough she wants to move as soon as she can despite the fact we had agreed she would only move when she was financial stable she is desperate to get away even if it means leaving her exposed to debt the one thing we didn't want.
My son has sent his partner back to her mother's house and just works and locks himself in his
room

She is like a tornado which blows through this house for a day and disappears
I would normally get any angry and then get drunk now I am up posting whilst she
has gone to bed sleeping I am up stressed, confused, heart hurting, my mind feels like it's on fire

I love her so much that I am willing to work through whatever this is I don't know what the hell is happening at anytime and I am going through this alcohol problem, heart problems, mental issues which I am just addressing for the first time in my life. I am going through all this on my own and these are all things that normally would drive me to pick up a bottle.

I back to work full time next week and I know I will not have the luxury of not having to deal with office crap as well as this personal rubbish.

Ob: I m not sure how you are coping with the office and home at the same time.

I am not looking forward to dealing with both pressures and no drink this is shit I can't sleep it takes me long enough to get to sleep when she is not here all the bloody loneliness some nights I cry before falling asleep for a few hours only to wake up wandering where she is or who she is with and now she is home I can't sleep

Again I am sorry for the rant but this is the only place I can be honest about how shit life can be
I am no saint I have made mistakes but I am in my fifties I should be planning to do things now my kids are big not going through shit

JohnB

ob77
Posts: 30
Joined: Sun Dec 31, 2017 12:13 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby ob77 » Sun Jan 07, 2018 6:04 am

Johnb its ok to rant. I did and felt better for it, if only for an hour or two.

The only way im coping at work is that im not based in an office. Im out on the tools, and if i get pissed off i just get in my van for 5 mins by myself to calm down. The people who i work with have good intentions but none have been through what i am going through and try to laugh it off as a joke. My 1st day back after christmas, we met up for a breakfast meeting. When i was asked how my christmas went, i explained that basicaly christmas was cancelled in my household. I hadnt eaten between christmas day and new years day, had a cold/flu which i couldnt shake off and was on anti-depressents because i was physically, mentally and emotionally drained. One of my "hillarious" colleagues just turned to me and said "christ. Arent you over that yet?" Hillarious. I just wanted to punch him in his smug mouth, whereas everyone else thought it was great that i had lost nearly two stone in just over a week. Nevermind i wasnt eating.

Its not easy going back to work feeling like this. I wont lie to you. Even now im dreading waking up monday morning, but equally i welcome the distraction, and thats what i encourage you to do. Im using work as a complete distraction from the hurt inside of me. I hate work at the moment. I love what i do but sorry to be a cliche but i am really overworked at the moment. The company i work for is vastly understaffed for the amount of work we have and my brain is so up and down at the moment i find im getting stressed out by things 6 weeks ago i would have coped with, but while im feeling stressy im not thinking of her so much and im giving less of a shit at work which is a good feeling against my boss trying to force more and more on us. Ive threatened to jack in twice now. Before she left me, which my boss laughed at me for and then again this past week which he didnt laugh. If anything hes tried to make my job a bit easier for me. How long that lasts is anyones guess?

I found i had times where ive wanted to cry at work. When that happens i just walk away for 5mins while i compose myself. Thats the best thing i can say to you. If you feel you need 5 mins, then take a toilet break or fag break. Its hard, but it will become easier.

The biggest difference for me was that my ex made it clear to me that we were over. As much as i refused to accept it at the time. I was waiting for a sign, anything that i may have had a chance to go back and thats where yours is being unfair to you. I understand the position you are in. I was the same, am the same. If she came in now and i didnt know where she had been, i wouldnt say anything because i love her. I dont want to know. I want us to be together and i wouldnt want to rock the boat in case she left again. Its unfair on you and its unfair on your kids. They know its not your fault even if they may say it. They dont mean it.

Just stay strong. You can do it. Youve done so well so far. Its hard, i know. Ive never been in something as difficult or fucked up as this in my life and its so, so hard, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Its just depending on you as to how long the tunnel may be. My tunnel is getting shorter everyday now.

As for sleep. I didnt sleep properly for weeks. As u are now, i would often cry myself to sleep only to wake up an hour or two later only to go through the same thing. I would suggest talking to your gp. I spoke with mine and he prescribed me the antidepressents im taking which are also a sleeping pill. I just take 1 an hour before bed and i can tell you i am having the best sleep ive had in years, and that has been really beneficial for me. Thats the one thing, i think, that is helping me get over all this shit. A good nights sleep. Sounds so easy but i know its not as easy as people think.

The only other thing getting me through this is music. Im just loading my phone with all the music that my ex demanded i stopped listening to as she thought my music tastes were shit. Im sorry i dont like most new stuff, but i like what i like. I like putting on my headphones and just turn the volume up loud. I just have to be careful that if im in a melancholic mood that a love song doesnt come on, or a tune that reminds me of us and the times we had, but equally i bought us tickets before she left for a band we both absolutely love and are only doing one uk gig this year. A band neither of us has ever seen and dont perform over here very often. Needless to say, im still going :-)

Stay strong. I know you can.

Ob

johnbeln
Posts: 41
Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:08 am

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby johnbeln » Wed Jan 10, 2018 12:07 am

HI All

OK my first full mental assessment and AA meeting under my belt
So a very long and emotional day. I am drained but grateful

It started with my counsillor asking some very stressfull questions just to get me to acknowledge some home truths about why I felt it would be better not to be on this earth
If I did not mention this before when this first happened i drank a litre of vodka (raw)
and down a months supply of blood pressure tablets and still managed to wake up hours later I couldn't even get the suicide right!!!!

I need to take responsibility for what happened in my relationship which lead to this point
I think I was wasted more of the years especially the last 2-3 years...
I did not realise how much I drank easily a litre bottle of Vodka every couple of days
I now have to take a Liver Function Test and I am shiting myself

Just as I got over that session around 4pm then a couple of hours later I was in my first AA meeting
I think I was just nodding to every person who spoke
Women Men Young Old all walks of life laying out the truth

Masking the alcohol
Hiding Bottles
One drink and then couldn't stop
Black Outs
Wasted Days
Hurting and driving away your love ones
Lost marriages, relationships (this is where I couldn't hold back the tears)
The shit things which happens to us and the only way we could deal with it is with a drink
False confidence to be able to socialise, function at work, mix with family (some of who you actually don't want to be around)
Shitty selfish parents
greedy shelfish siblings
Annoying shelfish children
Hurtful partners

All these people in someway or another gave me the excuses to drink and trust me I never need that much of a reason to drink in the first place and so this all lead to me losing the women I love and causing my family pain all whilst I was wasted

We can't be responsible for everyone we can only be responsible for ourselves and how we function how we cope with anxiety,drepression, stress, pain, self-esteem

I miss my partner as now I know how much I relied on her just to get through 1 day
But i am begining to understand that I drove her away, I am having a little bit of dark moment as it dawns on me how many years I wasted.
I can't changed what happened I can only go through this program
Take the meds for my heart condition, concentrate on getting well and stoping the pain
So Friday and another emotionally painful counsiling session followed by Monday liver function test following by the medical review on the 18th


I think AA will be good for me as I can meet like minded people in a safe setting as it's a safe place to open up without alcohol around and so I can't fake any confidence with drink

First steps on a very long road to recovery God knows what the hell I will face but again at least I can post my thoughts and feelings here

i will let you how I get on over the next few days

Thanks

JohnB

breatheinandout
Posts: 309
Joined: Mon Jul 17, 2017 10:03 am
Location: UK

Re: Scared Confused and lost Newbie

Postby breatheinandout » Wed Jan 10, 2018 6:44 pm

Hi Johnb, making me well up reading this. It sounds intense, but so glad you went and got through it and wow. Fingers crossed for the results of the liver function test. Keep going, you can do this.
Why did i pick such a long username?! Do call me Biao :D


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