Johnb its ok to rant. I did and felt better for it, if only for an hour or two.
The only way im coping at work is that im not based in an office. Im out on the tools, and if i get pissed off i just get in my van for 5 mins by myself to calm down. The people who i work with have good intentions but none have been through what i am going through and try to laugh it off as a joke. My 1st day back after christmas, we met up for a breakfast meeting. When i was asked how my christmas went, i explained that basicaly christmas was cancelled in my household. I hadnt eaten between christmas day and new years day, had a cold/flu which i couldnt shake off and was on anti-depressents because i was physically, mentally and emotionally drained. One of my "hillarious" colleagues just turned to me and said "christ. Arent you over that yet?" Hillarious. I just wanted to punch him in his smug mouth, whereas everyone else thought it was great that i had lost nearly two stone in just over a week. Nevermind i wasnt eating.
Its not easy going back to work feeling like this. I wont lie to you. Even now im dreading waking up monday morning, but equally i welcome the distraction, and thats what i encourage you to do. Im using work as a complete distraction from the hurt inside of me. I hate work at the moment. I love what i do but sorry to be a cliche but i am really overworked at the moment. The company i work for is vastly understaffed for the amount of work we have and my brain is so up and down at the moment i find im getting stressed out by things 6 weeks ago i would have coped with, but while im feeling stressy im not thinking of her so much and im giving less of a shit at work which is a good feeling against my boss trying to force more and more on us. Ive threatened to jack in twice now. Before she left me, which my boss laughed at me for and then again this past week which he didnt laugh. If anything hes tried to make my job a bit easier for me. How long that lasts is anyones guess?
I found i had times where ive wanted to cry at work. When that happens i just walk away for 5mins while i compose myself. Thats the best thing i can say to you. If you feel you need 5 mins, then take a toilet break or fag break. Its hard, but it will become easier.
The biggest difference for me was that my ex made it clear to me that we were over. As much as i refused to accept it at the time. I was waiting for a sign, anything that i may have had a chance to go back and thats where yours is being unfair to you. I understand the position you are in. I was the same, am the same. If she came in now and i didnt know where she had been, i wouldnt say anything because i love her. I dont want to know. I want us to be together and i wouldnt want to rock the boat in case she left again. Its unfair on you and its unfair on your kids. They know its not your fault even if they may say it. They dont mean it.
Just stay strong. You can do it. Youve done so well so far. Its hard, i know. Ive never been in something as difficult or fucked up as this in my life and its so, so hard, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Its just depending on you as to how long the tunnel may be. My tunnel is getting shorter everyday now.
As for sleep. I didnt sleep properly for weeks. As u are now, i would often cry myself to sleep only to wake up an hour or two later only to go through the same thing. I would suggest talking to your gp. I spoke with mine and he prescribed me the antidepressents im taking which are also a sleeping pill. I just take 1 an hour before bed and i can tell you i am having the best sleep ive had in years, and that has been really beneficial for me. Thats the one thing, i think, that is helping me get over all this shit. A good nights sleep. Sounds so easy but i know its not as easy as people think.
The only other thing getting me through this is music. Im just loading my phone with all the music that my ex demanded i stopped listening to as she thought my music tastes were shit. Im sorry i dont like most new stuff, but i like what i like. I like putting on my headphones and just turn the volume up loud. I just have to be careful that if im in a melancholic mood that a love song doesnt come on, or a tune that reminds me of us and the times we had, but equally i bought us tickets before she left for a band we both absolutely love and are only doing one uk gig this year. A band neither of us has ever seen and dont perform over here very often. Needless to say, im still going
Stay strong. I know you can.