Search

Support Forum

SANE Support Forum

Amaya

If you're new and want to say hello...
caro
Posts: 96
Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2016 2:21 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby caro » Thu Dec 07, 2017 6:21 pm

Amaya, I am returning your kindness, by giving you a little support.

I know exactly how diagnosis makes you feel. When I was diagnosed with EUPD I felt like I had been hit by a bus. Yes, it was good to get my illness recognised, but my was it tough to go through all my "issues "

If you want to talk, I am very happy to discuss things. I was diagnosed with EUPD last May, and have accepted it. Lots of negative beliefs around the diagnosis ,from professionals too, I am sorry to say.

Today I got my Aspergers diagnosis. I spent the entire appointment crying. I know how you are feeling,because I am going through it too.

Just wanted you to know that I understand, and care xx

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Thu Dec 07, 2017 6:51 pm

Thank you Caro that is really sweet :)

I know what you mean, I keep going into a feeling that is a lot like shock. Getting really cold and can't warm up, that sort of thing. Being very spaced out. Some of it is the diagnostic process, some of it I just have anyway from the extreme emotions I experience.

EUPD is definitely the nicer name for it. For those of you that don't know Borderline is not a very accurate name for the disorder. Emotional Unstable Personality Disorder is more accurate and sounds nicer, but it is the same illness.

I have traits of EUPD and DPD (dependant personality disorder). Not sure when someone makes a diagnosis official exactly here.. but these two are now sitting on the electronic system along with an unspecified sort of depression.

CPTSD (chronic or complex post traumatic stress disorder) is not officially recorded anywhere, but I know I have it and it is discussed in appointments as if it is a fact and a major contributing factor for the EUPD and DPD.

Until today I had no idea about the DPD so that was a real surprise and I am still just trying to absorb the information.

He thinks I was vulnerable at or from birth, had attachment problems with parents, experienced trauma, and due to these things coupled with my personality I have then developed these two personality disorders.

At different points in my life I have also had a lot of depression, stress and anxiety symptoms, but I feel these really are a product of the underlying causes and not conditions in their own right. As in, I think if I didn't have trauma or PDs they would just fade into the background and stop bothering me.

And I suspected aspergers recently, but I really don't know and this psychologist thinks no. When I asked why he said it was because I made good eye contact, managed to connect with others in relationships and because I had self harmed. I am not sure that these factors would rule out the high functioning female aspergers. But I am not a psychologist.

My biggest question for the psychologist next week is whether the trauma or the PDs need treating first, or will the proposed MBT treatment (mentalisation based therapy, which I do not yet know if I will be offered) be able to address both EUPD, DPD and CPTSD.. or is it just for the EUPD. Because part of me thinks that if the trauma was gone I wouldn't have the PDs. But maybe once you have them they won't go away without treatment.

I have been feeling for a few months now that I am ready to have my trauma dealt with. If the MBT won't help with that I don't know if I can go on living with it whilst doing a year and a half of treatment for the EUPD.

"Today I got my Aspergers diagnosis. I spent the entire appointment crying. I know how you are feeling,because I am going through it too."
Thanks for sharing this. Here is a *hug*. It makes a big difference to me to know that I am not alone.

Will they remove the EUPD diagnosis now? Or will you have them both?

Feel free to come and ramble in my thread anytime xx

caro
Posts: 96
Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2016 2:21 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby caro » Thu Dec 07, 2017 9:11 pm

Amaya, you sound like you have a lot to deal with.

I think the trauma will be dealt with along side treatment for the pd. I tried rapid eye movement therapy for trauma, but i couldn't cope with it.

I will have EUPD left as a diagnosis, because it is possible to have both. I was born with the aspergers, making my childhood awful. So that, coupled with abuse as a teenager, made me have a difficult childhood, which resulted in me developing EUPD.

Do you have regular help for your depression? I am sorry, i must go back and read your posts here. My mental health nurse says i am too unstable for therapy but i do talk to her every 2 weeks, which is a great help for me. I firmly believe in talking to someone who understands and can guide you.

Incidentally. I make good eye contact, have been married for years, and have been hospitalised for self harm. Female aspergers presents very differently, and there are some good examples on line if you wanted to look into it a bit more xx

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Fri Dec 08, 2017 2:48 am

I will give a better answer soon.

Was awake freaking out. Really not coping with all this.

Isap
Posts: 1596
Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby Isap » Fri Dec 08, 2017 5:06 am

Hi A may a

At the end of the day a diagnosis is a label or set of labels, presumably so that medical treatment can be tailored to that diagnosis. I'm sure most of it is guesswork.

Whatever the diagnosis you are still Amaya and s very lovable person. That's all that matters.

Isap xx

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Fri Dec 08, 2017 3:13 pm

Thanks Isap that was a very kind thing to say.

I don't feel loveable.

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Fri Dec 08, 2017 3:42 pm

I think what has hit me the hardest is the DPD thing. Because I didn't know I had that. And suddenly I am noticing how many things I only have in my life because of someone else and I have no idea what I want or think or who I am. And somehow knowing there is a good reason for this makes it a hundred times more obvious that I am this way. It hurts. It is confusing. And I don't know where to go from here. I would probably be real down on myself if I knew who that was. But I wouldn't know who that is to get upset with.

The diagnosis process makes me feel like I am disintegrating and that I have nothing to hang onto. No centre of gravity for emotions. Just a chaotic nonsensical mix of things. Like the universe is systematically removing everything that an ill girl could try to use for a sense of identity and not replacing it with anything. Well, maybe a waitlist for something that might help. Uncertainities. The things that terrify me.

I feel sick, dizzy, unreal, low and I can't be bothered to finish this sentence in a coherent manner.

I can see no other viable course of action other than video games. Thank fuck for video games.

caro
Posts: 96
Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2016 2:21 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby caro » Fri Dec 08, 2017 4:59 pm

You are still the kind, helpful, supportive person, who made me feel it was worth staying around.
Diagnosis is difficult, but hopefully a turning point in your treatment and recovery.
Play those video games if it helps. Type out your thoughts on here too, if that helps. Xx

sirhugo
Posts: 413
Joined: Mon Nov 13, 2017 12:40 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby sirhugo » Fri Dec 08, 2017 5:06 pm

firstly i get my catchphrase out the way

have some virtual hugs :lol:

secondly good call on the video games. The world would be a much poorer place without video games. im a bit of gamer myself. got any favourites?

i know what you mean in terms of struggling with your identity. i have a touch of it myself, although id imagine its nowhere near as bad as yours. i wonder if the way i am is due to my depression, or is it me and my personality? it can be exhausting having this fight in your head.

considering the list of diagnoses you have, i amazed you can get through the days. i dont think i could manage. im proud of you :D :D :D

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: Amaya

Postby amaya » Fri Dec 08, 2017 5:46 pm

Thanks guys :)

Caro, I hope the trauma can be treated at the same time. What was it that you couldn't cope with in the EMDR therapy? I am just curious.

Thanks for not minding explaining about your diagnosis. It is nice to get to understand you, but it also helps me to figure everything out.

I don't have regular help for the depression. I am not receiving any treatment at all at the moment and I am getting through by sheer determination. In the last six months I have also made new friends here and there support helps a lot.

I am not sure if a nurse should be deciding that you can't have therapy. Also, unstable.. yes but that kind of comes with having a mental health issue or two and how are we supposed to get better without therapy? Is there a plan in place for you?

Yes, I recently found out from Mihaela that female aspergers is different and that is why I have a question over whether or not I have it too. Thanks for your thoughts.

Thanks for your nice words. You are also kind, helpful and supportive. This site is really good for me because there are a few nice people here that help me to keep going on tough days and it is also nice to try to help others too. I'm sure I don't always say the right things, but it is always well meant.

Hugo, I will try almost any video game for the lol, but I am a pc gamer. At the moment my favourite would have to be league of legends.. did you ever play? Favourite retro game is Alpha Centauri. Big fan of strategy, real time or turns based. But have also enjoyed playing some role playing games from time to time like world of warcraft or star trek online.. but mostly to be social with friends because that is fun. If I am playing alone I like the action of League.

The fighting with yourself is definitely exhausting. Haha. I am laughing but I was just crying a lot. Again.

"considering the list of diagnoses you have, i amazed you can get through the days. i dont think i could manage. im proud of you :D :D :D"
Thank you. Sometimes I don't feel like I can get through. And then I do it anyway. But it is really nice to hear that kind of thing from someone else. It doesn't really work when I tell myself.

I am still not really doing okay now. But at least I found the energy to answer you properly now. Thank you for being there.


Return to “Newbies Room”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests