It's been a long time. I decided to write this letter because I felt like there was a lot I needed to say to you. I have transcribed it onto this public forum in the hopes that maybe someone will read it and feel the hope that there is always someone there.
Obviously we lost touch after I left primary school, only briefly reconnecting once a couple of years later. But by that point it was so far beyond our original conection that we barely talked. I doubt you expected this sort of impact as a result of your life, your death, but here we are.
I know we were never super close but that night I was with our friend, the night he and I found out that you died, I've never felt anything like it. A combination of denial, shock, guilt, and overwhelming sadness. The thought of you growing so desperate that you had to take your own life, the thought that perhaps you felt like you had no one to talk to, to turn to for help and guidance, that left me feeling so much guilt. I couldn't help but wonder if I could have kept in touch with you beyond school, would I have been able to help you? Maybe it's a sign of my own hubris that I would hope you might still be alive if someone like me could have been there for you.
I really didn't expect the sadness I felt discovering the news of your death, I was crying for weeks. The day I tried that relaxtion session with my mum, I closed my eyes and all I could see was your face, I could only hear your name on repeat and I completely broke down. I was such a mess, it took a really long time to feel like myself again, only with the help of my friends was I able to get past it. But then that also saddened me further to think that perhaps you didn't feel like you had that support.
Every year I still get overwhelmed with grief but I am determined to embrace it each year and to mark the anniversary (my anniversary for you) each and every year to honour you. You deserved so much better than this but I truly hope that wherever you are now, you are at peace and you are happy. You deserved at least that much. No one deserves to be forgotten, you will forever be in my heart and in my mind. Every time I see someone in need of help, whether they're a dear friend or a total stranger, I will do everything in my power to help and support them. Because I refuse to stand by and allow for anyone else within my reach to feel like they're falling, like you fell.
Even when the dark comes crashing through
When you need a friend to carry you
And when you’re broken on the ground
You will be found
So let the sun come streaming in
'Cause you’ll reach up and you’ll rise again
Lift your head and look around
You will be found
I hope that you're happy, I hope you are at peace, and I hope that one day I will find you.