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Totally lost and sick of everything

Sometimes you just need to let off steam...
akeno
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Mar 02, 2018 12:07 am

Totally lost and sick of everything

Postby akeno » Fri Mar 02, 2018 12:42 am

Hi, so I really just need to get stuff off my chest because everything is way too much for me right now. :?

And I'm really sorry for the essay I've dumped here =/

I'm 19 and I'll be 20 in a couple of months, but I'm a disaster. I feel like I can't look after myself properly and when I compare myself to other people even with similar difficulties to me I feel like an alien from another planet with no hope for my future.

Even the most basic stuff which could help make me happier seems out of my reach and has done for most of my life. I feel like I'd be a hard worker towards something I wanted and that would make me happy, but even basic things like having a hairstyle I like, choosing my own clothes and style and getting enough of the proper food in my diet and enough exercise seem totally out of reach for me. I'm completely uncomfortable in my own skin because of my anxiety and it's horrible, I have no self-esteem.

I don't have any friends at the moment, but when I did I was always horrible and abusive towards them in school and I don't know why. Even now though I miss them, some more than others, and now I'm totally alone.

I've had the opportunity to make so many friends in university and I've messed it up there too. I've basically not attended for a whole semester too, and although I usually spend most of my day every day reading as much as I can on Wikipedia because it sometimes makes me feel reasonably productive I've lost the energy to do that too.

I've never had a job or been in a relationship, and I'm so isolated. My parents want to help but I don't know what to say to them and I feel like I shouldn't reveal too much about myself because I want to live my life myself, but I can't at this point. I just want something better than this and it's killing me.

I just wish I wasn't so alone, I'm scared of dying or becoming ill or incapacitated all the time but sometimes my depression makes me want to die which is luckily overridden by my survival instincts given to me by my anxiety, but it's absolutely exhausting.

I'm also unofficially on the autistic spectrum, as I saw a child psychologist from 2004-2015 and in 2015 they said in a letter I never told my doctors to put on my record that I might be on the high-functioning end of the autistic spectrum. My university knows about this but it doesn't make me feel better about sitting indoors and boiling in my own misery all day every day.

I care about people and I want to do things. I've missed so many opportunities in the past too. I used to do acting as a child with the support of my parents and other things, but gave it all up because I couldn't cope with it with my mental health problems. I used to have a friend from Japan who gave me a love for their country I keep to this day, but I lost all contact with them in 2007 and I don't think I treated them too well at the time because that's just the way I behaved as a child and I feel so sorry about it now.

One of the bad things about me is I don't easily show emotion or cry and often feel detached and numb which I guess is a part of my depression, but I really do care inside and wish I could actually cry. At least then I would know I feel something.

But yeah, I've wanted to do so much stuff. Not that I'd ever have the skills or talent for it, but I've wanted to take part in different sports like skiing and tennis in the past, wanted to know how to programme and to create art and sketches or to write, wanted to read and to listen to music without becoming bored or distracted in about two minutes, I'd like to be able to sing and the idea of being an actor appeals to me as I used to love dressing up and pretending to be other people and seeing what life might be like in their shoes. I'd love to help people, I'd love to travel, I'd love to have friends I keep in contact with for years. I'd love to be in a relationship and to love someone, and even if it didn't last and I was in several I wish I had the ability to in my life. I just think there is so much more to life than being in my room for the rest of my life and slowly decaying into more and more of an unsolvable mess. The stuff I've written here is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of stuff I'd like to do with my life, I have so much I wish for and so much internal energy but no motivation so it's like I'm trapped in some kind of concrete block with no way out to do the things I want to do or be the person I want to be.

It seriously makes me feel so awful when I think most 15-year-olds are more adult and mature than me and have more life experience. I just don't know how to handle myself. And I become fixated on this as well which makes me selfish, forget others and stops me from being the caring, normal person I want to be.

I've had help and counselling for as long as I can remember. I'm having it now and the progress is slow but it's better than nothing, but I haven't had an appointment for a few weeks and it's making me feel like I'm living in a prison cell with no door right now. I'm just so sick of it.

mihaela
Posts: 1073
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2016 12:42 am
Location: Lancashire and Moldova

Re: Totally lost and sick of everything

Postby mihaela » Fri Mar 02, 2018 5:16 am

Hi Akeno, and welcome!

Long before I reached your paragraph mentioning autism, I increasingly sensed that...
You have autism! :lol: Of course you do. It's glaringly obvious. Almost everything you say adds up to autism. It takes one to know one, so join the club, for I have it too!

Unlike you, I like the way I am - now - and wouldn't want to change at all, but at your age I didn't know what was up with me and hated myself, and life was awful. It still is in many ways, but I do have friends who understand and support me.

One thing uncharactersitic is that you say you weren't good to your friends. Could it be that they did they misunderstand your intentions and interpreted them wrongly? People on the autism spectrum rarely intentionally ill-treat others. Later on you say you're caring.

Much more I could say about your 'essay' (writing l-o-n-g essays is another trait), but I'll wait for your reply. Ask me any questions you like, for I can most likely help you a lot. :)

akeno
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Mar 02, 2018 12:07 am

Re: Totally lost and sick of everything

Postby akeno » Fri Mar 02, 2018 2:33 pm

mihaela wrote:Hi Akeno, and welcome!

Long before I reached your paragraph mentioning autism, I increasingly sensed that...
You have autism! :lol: Of course you do. It's glaringly obvious. Almost everything you say adds up to autism. It takes one to know one, so join the club, for I have it too!

Unlike you, I like the way I am - now - and wouldn't want to change at all, but at your age I didn't know what was up with me and hated myself, and life was awful. It still is in many ways, but I do have friends who understand and support me.

One thing uncharactersitic is that you say you weren't good to your friends. Could it be that they did they misunderstand your intentions and interpreted them wrongly? People on the autism spectrum rarely intentionally ill-treat others. Later on you say you're caring.

Much more I could say about your 'essay' (writing l-o-n-g essays is another trait), but I'll wait for your reply. Ask me any questions you like, for I can most likely help you a lot. :)


Thank you so much for your response! I was afraid I wouldn't get any. ^_^

Yeah, it's probably pretty obvious in the way I write! It's just because I was assessed recently and told I wasn't and my doctors aren't very, uh, probing? When I go to see them I'm not sure if I'm just odd for no reason or not most of the time. It's good to know you think it adds up though, and it's nice to know other people similar to me can still have friends and maybe a life they're happy with despite stuff being so hard sometimes. ^^

Yeah, me not being good to my friends is the worst thing about me. I either went into depression early on, or just freaked out and took it out on the people around me, that's the only way I can explain it. I took stuff out on my parents too until I started my antidepressants recently, I used to just not be able to cope. My friends were mostly people I clung on to because I was too afraid of being alone in school too and I'm not sure I naturally had much in common with some of them, so I just felt so confused with them and I used to try to act normal too and sometimes distanced myself from them from time to time when I found things wrong with them in my head I couldn't get over at the time. I just didn't know how to handle myself in school, it was awful and I just can't shake the feeling I'm a horrible, uncaring person because I never had stable friendships or friendships either on my terms or where I was a proper friend to people. Eventually I gave up because I feel like any friends I'd make will just be treated badly, and I feel like I don't deserve to have friends anymore because I feel more detached from my emotions and the real world as a coping mechanism than most people and I think other people deserve better than someone like me. :(

I would love to be able to have friends and to care about other people though, I'm sick of being how I am. I feel like I just have to learn the right behaviour maybe, it's not instinctive to me and I really struggle to make my own decisions, big or small, which affects my life massively in so many ways.

Oh no, I'm so sorry - I'm writing another essay! You're so right about the long writing thing, I feel emotionless when I talk so not much of this comes out but when I write I just dump by brain onto text or paper and a 500-page novel full of babble happens. I hope this makes sense. :?

I just want to be a decent, thoughtful, caring and kind person who can just live their life and help other people along the way. It just seems like a really hard thing for me to do at the moment.

Thank you again too, it's so nice of you to leave such a caring response. I really do appreciate it. :)

deb1960
Posts: 1700
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Totally lost and sick of everything

Postby deb1960 » Fri Mar 02, 2018 2:49 pm

Hi Akeno

You say your parents are willing to help but you want to do it yourself. In mental illness we need every bit of support we can get. I became ill 16 years ago and have turned to so many for help. It is actually a way of taking responsibility for your health

I'm sorry life is so tough for you. You're not a failure. You have a debilitating illness. I am so limited in what I can do these days. When I feel well I don't bother but when I'm down I look at my siblings and the difference is massive.
Take care
Deb x

mihaela
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Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2016 12:42 am
Location: Lancashire and Moldova

Re: Totally lost and sick of everything

Postby mihaela » Fri Mar 02, 2018 6:06 pm

Hi Akeno!

Deb's right in all she says, believe me.

I want to help you get an accurate diagnosis, for the system is badly letting down females on the spectrum because so few specialists are trained in spotting the female-presentation. Lots of us suffer all our lives because we've been misdiagnosed or underdiagnosed, and therefore received inappropriate treatment (anyway, there is no treatment for autism, but there are ways of making life easier for us). It'll take some years yet for those professionals on the front line to catch up with the pioneers, but things are slowly improving.

Today I've been busy listing my traits for a second NHS autism diagnosis. The first one was badly written and although it clearly said that I was on the autism spectrum, it was still interpreted wrongly, which meant me losing my support worker after 3 weeks a few years ago and being dumped without any support. That foolish error by a social worker who knew next to nothing about autism caused a slimy conman to defraud me of all I have, and the police are at last moving fast on this which is such a relief. That's what can happen if you don't have a good enough diagnosis. Very often, once we lose their parents, the trouble begins, as it did with me - my whole world caved in. With a good diagnosis that won't happen to you, and you'll get the right support. You have your parents at the moment, so please accept all the support they can offer. (My brother was going to support me, but he died tragically, before my mum died). You never know what's round the corner in life, and a diagnosis is like an insurance.

Getting one, especially for 'high-functioning' females isn't easy, so I'm not surprised at the pathetic response you've had so far, but that will change if you know your rights and how to deal with them. I'll try and make sure that you get what you need. I'll go through both your essays :lol: bit by bit and give my comments in my next post. It'll take a while, but hopefully you'll get a reply tomorrow.

Meanwhile, don't run yourself down. It's good to want to become a better person, but you need to really understand yourself first - and you must be patient. Think positively about all the things you're good at. Back soon x

mihaela
Posts: 1073
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2016 12:42 am
Location: Lancashire and Moldova

Re: Totally lost and sick of everything

Postby mihaela » Sat Mar 03, 2018 6:27 am

...I'm a disaster. I feel like I can't look after myself properly and when I compare myself to other people even with similar difficulties to me I feel like an alien from another planet with no hope for my future.

You're NOT a disaster! I'm much older than you, but feel about 13, and still have the same difficulties as you do now. The 'alien' comparison is so common in autism.

Even the most basic stuff which could help make me happier seems out of my reach and has done for most of my life.

Same here. It's the basic mundane stuff that I still have the problems with.

I feel like I'd be a hard worker towards something I wanted and that would make me happy, but even basic things like having a hairstyle I like, choosing my own clothes and style and getting enough of the proper food in my diet and enough exercise seem totally out of reach for me.

Being a hard worker is another autistic trait, but as you say, it needs to be a job that you really want. Lots of women with autism like working with animals, for they're easier to get on with than people - or outdoors with plants, or indoors alone using computers, etc. It's very common to drift from one job to another due to social difficulties and stress, so choosing something that causes as little stress as possible is vital. Also common to be unemployed or in jobs that are well below our abilities. What matters is that we are happy at work - far more important than high pay or status.
The other things you mention - hairstyle, clothes, proper food, exercise - remind me of myself too - although walking keeps me fit. I'm a vegetarian but tend to eat far less than 'normal' people. All this too is autistic. We're not that interested in our appearance or diet. I relied on my parents to help me over these boring things (!) throughout their lives. Now I'm having to find my way in the world alone, but I still need support from others. I can't live independently, although I happily live alone with my cats.

I'm completely uncomfortable in my own skin because of my anxiety and it's horrible, I have no self-esteem.

I understand this completely. I was just the same at your age. Very gradually I've grown to accept myself. Hopefully, understanding yourself much earlier than I did, will help you accept yourself much sooner.

I don't have any friends at the moment, but when I did I was always horrible and abusive towards them in school and I don't know why. Even now though I miss them, some more than others, and now I'm totally alone.

Between about 9 and 23 I had no friends either. Not uncommon in autism. I know lots of people locally, but I keep them at a safe distance. I have one special friend, much younger than me, who is like my unofficial support worker. I can't do without her. I have an Aspie friend too, even younger, who I see at least once a week. That's quite enough friends for me. I was never horrible to my friends, but often they were to me, so they weren't friends at all - just parasites who used me.

Are you lonely? I used to be, but not now. We enjoy solitude but loneliness is not the same thing.
I've had the opportunity to make so many friends in university and I've messed it up there too.
So did I, but because I was socially pretty inept and probably seemed boring.

I've basically not attended for a whole semester too, and although I usually spend most of my day every day reading as much as I can on Wikipedia because it sometimes makes me feel reasonably productive I've lost the energy to do that too.

I dropped out due to stress, mainly socially-induced. I also obsessively read and absorb information. People call me a walking encyclopaedia! At school I'd hide in the library and read - about everything. I'm a philomath - have a compulsion for learning and an intense curiosity. When I'm depressed, like you, that interest disappears. But it always comes back with a vengeance!

I've never had a job or been in a relationship, and I'm so isolated.

I had a very responsible job once - it only lasted a couple of years. Since then, lots of voluntary work - that I enjoy. As for relationships, they began late, they were few, never lasted very long, and were only feeble attempts to appear 'normal'. Sex scared me too. I'm much happier now, not feeling that I need to act out a fake role.

My parents want to help but I don't know what to say to them and I feel like I shouldn't reveal too much about myself because I want to live my life myself, but I can't at this point. I just want something better than this and it's killing me.

It won't be easy. That's what I tried at 19, left home to try to prove to myself (and my parents) that I was able to live independently. It was a total failure. Maybe the worst thing I ever did. I'm still rubbish at big decisions.

I just wish I wasn't so alone, I'm scared of dying or becoming ill or incapacitated all the time but sometimes my depression makes me want to die which is luckily overridden by my survival instincts given to me by my anxiety, but it's absolutely exhausting.

Oh yes! That's me too. But you're not alone. There are lots like us, and I've known many Aspies since my diagnosis - and quite a few before then. You can contact me at lamposatmaildotmd any time if you want a chat. You mustn't feel lonely. You matter to your parents - and now to me, at least! Dying terrifies me too. I dreaded to think of my parents dying, and refused to accept that I'd outlive them (and my brother) but I did. :( I've been suicidal too many times to remember, but something (my cats?) has kept me alive. True, it's absolutely exhausting.

I'm also unofficially on the autistic spectrum, as I saw a child psychologist from 2004-2015 and in 2015 they said in a letter I never told my doctors to put on my record that I might be on the high-functioning end of the autistic spectrum. My university knows about this but it doesn't make me feel better about sitting indoors and boiling in my own misery all day every day.

I don't like the way child psychologists discriminate against girls with autism, by these 'unofficial' statements - there is tendency to underdiagnose 'bright' girls for fear it may damage career prospects. If it does ten it's the sytems that's at fault; not the autism. You have autism. I'm 100% certain from everything you say. A highly gifted girl of 12 that I knew, was convinced she was on the spectrum - and so was I. She tried to seek a diagnosis without her parents' knowledge, for they refused to accept that their genius daughter had such an awful 'disease'. (Actually ALL intellectually-gifted people are on the spectrum). She was told that she might have difficulty finding work if her autism was made known, so he refused to diagnose it - even though he knew she had it! So unprofessional! If employers don't like the A word that's their problem and they're being discriminatory. This girl was highly intelligent, brilliant at just about everything, learning Japanese on her own - and yet she was put down like that!

I've had similar problems with inaccurate NHS records too - very frustrating. The support you get from your university sounds pathetic.

I care about people and I want to do things.

I know what you mean. So do I - passionately! I only stop when I'm too stressed or depressed.
I've missed so many opportunities in the past too. I used to do acting as a child with the support of my parents and other things, but gave it all up because I couldn't cope with it with my mental health problems.

I used to have a friend from Japan who gave me a love for their country I keep to this day...

Having a strong interest in other cultures is also very common in autism - and nowadays especially Japan - not sure why.

One of the bad things about me is I don't easily show emotion or cry and often feel detached and numb which I guess is a part of my depression, but I really do care inside and wish I could actually cry. At least then I would know I feel something.

When I was younger I was a lot less able to express my emotions. There are times when I cry a lot. Others when I hold it in and appear cold - when really I'm screaming, inside. Feeling detached is 'normal' for us, but when depressed that detachment can become a dissociative state which is not good. Do you become emotional with certain music, films, books, etc.?
Essay to be continued ;)

mihaela
Posts: 1073
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2016 12:42 am
Location: Lancashire and Moldova

Re: Totally lost and sick of everything

Postby mihaela » Sat Mar 03, 2018 10:30 am

Not that I'd ever have the skills or talent for it, but I've wanted to take part in different sports like skiing and tennis in the past, wanted to know how to programme and to create art and sketches or to write, wanted to read and to listen to music without becoming bored or distracted in about two minutes, I'd like to be able to sing and the idea of being an actor appeals to me as I used to love dressing up and pretending to be other people and seeing what life might be like in their shoes.

You need to nurture those skills and talents you already have. It's more realistic than wanting to do things that you know are next to impossible for you. If your goals are unrealistic you'll forever be seeking and never be content. If they're achievable and you want them enough it will happen - providing other things in your life don't get in the way. Acting is a common occupation for women on the spectrum, for they can hide behind a persona and become more accepted. Pretending to be other people helps with empathy, but it can also be a sign of not wanting to be yourself or not liking the way you are.

I'd love to help people, I'd love to travel, I'd love to have friends I keep in contact with for years.

There's nothing to stop you doing these things (although I'm prone to panic attacks when travelling alone on unfamiliar journeys - common in autism).

I'd love to be in a relationship and to love someone, and even if it didn't last and I was in several I wish I had the ability to in my life.

I wished to be like others for many years until I realised I was wasting my time and stressing myself. I now accept who I am, and I'm happy with it. Relationships can be difficult for Aspies for many reasons - but they sometimes do last. Most probably don't though, and it's the sensitive partner who suffers the worst aftermath - bad depression, breakdowns, panic attacks, regrets, feelings of guilt, etc. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. I can understand you wanting to have the ability. Maybe you have, but the right opportunity hasn't come along. I think we feel love differently than 'normal' people, and that as partners they expect too much of us.

I just think there is so much more to life than being in my room for the rest of my life and slowly decaying into more and more of an unsolvable mess.

Of course there is, and I'm sure you know that the hikikomori phenomenon in Japan is so big that it's become a national concern. At least you feel you should be doing more - which is positive. They don't, and they're content with it. But you're NOT an unsolvable mess. I thought I was at your age (and long after), but with a little help, understanding and encouragement things will become easier for you a lot sooner than they did for me.

The stuff I've written here is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of stuff I'd like to do with my life, I have so much I wish for and so much internal energy but no motivation so it's like I'm trapped in some kind of concrete block with no way out to do the things I want to do or be the person I want to be.

You need help to decide what you most want to be, and what things you most want to do, and encouragement and motivation to work on it. I don't think you can't do it alone.

It seriously makes me feel so awful when I think most 15-year-olds are more adult and mature than me and have more life experience.

But you're far from alone. Emotionally I'm still only about 13ish myself - but I don't let that get in the way. It can even have advantages. It's very common in autism for our emotional age to lag well behind our chronological age - and it makes us very vulnerable.

I just don't know how to handle myself. And I become fixated on this as well which makes me selfish, forget others and stops me from being the caring, normal person I want to be.

Your negative thinking is making you like this - unsettled and discontented. You need help to turn bad, self-defeating thoughts and experiences into good, life-enhancing ones.

I've had help and counselling for as long as I can remember. I'm having it now and the progress is slow but it's better than nothing, but I haven't had an appointment for a few weeks and it's making me feel like I'm living in a prison cell with no door right now. I'm just so sick of it.

Very true, progress is very slow for counselling when we're on the autism spectrum, and its effect is never very dramatic - because autism is neurological rather than psychological. CBT has a limited effect, and it can change our self image positively, for that's a psychological thing. Counselling rarely takes the autism factor into account, for it's aimed at neurotypical people who far outnumber us. You could do with someone who really understands you to get you out of that prison cell. Your world would gradually broaden and become more interesting and more fun - and you'd begin to like yourself. x

akeno
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Mar 02, 2018 12:07 am

Re: Totally lost and sick of everything

Postby akeno » Mon Mar 05, 2018 10:53 pm

Oh thank you so much for taking the time to respond like this, I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. I'll go through what you've written and reply once I've read everything, thank you so much.

Also, thank you so much for your response Deb. It really helps reading how you've found it useful seeking help from other people, and it's honestly relieving to know I'm not just being difficult for the sake of being difficult but there really is something I can't control behind all this.

---

I’m so sorry too, I might not answer all the points you have but I’ll try to get back to you on the important ones! I didn’t know there’d end up being so much writing on this page. ^_^

First of all though I do hope you get the second diagnosis you deserve, from what you’ve written you’ve been through a lot and a proper diagnosis sounds like a good thing for people on the spectrum to have.

It’s also really good to read how another person understands a lot of what I’m going through, and it's good to experience what other people with issues similar to mine are going through at the same time.

I’m so sorry if there’s bits I skip over, I know this is a very short response (or it was when I started =/)! I’ll answer your questions if I can though. I am lonely at the moment, yes. I do have an unofficial diagnosis of autism but I think it’s very hidden and I have had friends in the past like I said. I don’t miss all of them, but with me I sometimes start to care about some people and think about them more than others (I don't not care about people, but some I feel more strongly about than others if that makes sense), and friends I’ve had that connection with in the past make me miss human interaction now. It’s a lot easier said than done though.

Ok I’ll try to go through a bit more of what you’ve said now! I’m worried about writing too much again but I’ll just see what happens. I might miss some stuff again here, I’m sorry if that happens! I think I’ll answer a few main points, most of what you’ve written I completely resonate with so I don’t feel there’s much need for me to respond to all the points maybe =/

I’m really sorry again, I’m actually male! I’m sorry if I gave away the wrong impression; I do think I’m good at covering up things I find difficult though which after doing a bit of reading might be one of the reasons I’ve had difficulties in the system like quite a few high-functioning females by the sounds of things. I don’t think I act like a lot of males my age but there’s all sorts of different people around I suppose.

The acting thing resonates with me too though. I used to do acting as a child and gave it up for similar reasons although it was the exams and testing I didn’t like over the acting. I loved acting and often think of doing it again now, I’d love a career as a professional actor but I’m too afraid to even consider it because it’s not something my parents would consider realistic and I’m too shy too attend my course at the moment let alone to act! I think I love exploring other people’s lives and situations more than anything, and it used to give me a way of interacting with people in a structured way and getting to know myself in different characters’ shoes. I really see what you mean when you say acting is a common occupation for women on the spectrum, I think it’s the same for me personally too.

I do feel like a hidden hikikomori a lot now, especially since my parents still think I’m attending. It's nice to know there's a difference between not doing anything and not wanting to and not doing anything but wanting to though, I find it easy to forget that.

I’m so sorry if my response was rubbish or not that great. I appreciate how you’ve responded so much and having someone to contact over worrying about certain things is such a kind offer! Thank you so much again.

mihaela
Posts: 1073
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2016 12:42 am
Location: Lancashire and Moldova

Re: Totally lost and sick of everything

Postby mihaela » Wed Mar 07, 2018 7:10 am

akeno wrote:...it's probably pretty obvious in the way I write!


No, not at all, apart from the length perhaps! It's obvious because of all the traits you list.

It's just because I was assessed recently and told I wasn't and my doctors aren't very, uh, probing? When I go to see them I'm not sure if I'm just odd for no reason or not most of the time.


No surprise there. My GP laughed at me when I asked for a diagnosis. He barely knew me. I insisted that I had a legal right to a diagnosis. Who assessed you? I very much doubt that it was clinical psychologist specialising in autism. Anything less is professionaly unacceptable.

My friends were mostly people I clung on to because I was too afraid of being alone in school too and I'm not sure I naturally had much in common with some of them, so I just felt so confused with them and I used to try to act normal too and sometimes distanced myself from them from time to time when I found things wrong with them in my head I couldn't get over at the time.


It's now clear to me that it was the effects of the school experience that caused you to behave as you did towards your friends. Trying to act 'normal' causes great stress, and the harder we try the worse it gets. Better not to try hard at all. If you found things wrong with your friends, then maybe you were right all along.

I just didn't know how to handle myself in school, it was awful and I just can't shake the feeling I'm a horrible, uncaring person because I never had stable friendships or friendships either on my terms or where I was a proper friend to people.


School is a highly unnatural environment for children. It's very common for children with autism not to 'fit in', and the school experience can cause them lifelong damage. This is why so many are now being taught at home.

I feel more detached from my emotions and the real world as a coping mechanism than most people and I think other people deserve better than someone like me.


But what is the 'real' world ? It's a world that's dominated by mediocre neurotypical values, and ruled by sociopathic leaders. It's not a kind and caring world. Its god is money and it treats greed, ruthlessness and hypocrisy as virtues. I can't use that world as a coping mechanism, so I choose better ones.

I would love to be able to have friends and to care about other people though, I'm sick of being how I am. I feel like I just have to learn the right behaviour maybe, it's not instinctive to me and I really struggle to make my own decisions, big or small, which affects my life massively in so many ways.


By saying that you'd love to care about others, means that you actually do care, but maybe you don't know how to express that care or put it into action. This is typically autistic. The right behaviour comes in time. Making decisions is a big problem in my life too, and that's one reason friends are so important to me.

I just want to be a decent, thoughtful, caring and kind person who can just live their life and help other people along the way. It just seems like a really hard thing for me to do at the moment.


Try seeking voluntary work with children or animals. That would be a good start. I did that for many years, and it also brings friends into your life.

I'll reply to your last post soon. x


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