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My mask

Sometimes you just need to let off steam...
hidingbehindamask
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Feb 03, 2018 11:14 pm

My mask

Postby hidingbehindamask » Sat Feb 03, 2018 11:17 pm

On the really bad days I feel that I can’t be around anyone.
I feel ashamed and too exhausted to hide the tears and pain anymore and I need to be alone to just ‘be’ without having to pretend I’m ok.
I can’t sustain ‘normal’ for a long period of time or indefinitely.
The mask I wear daily is a chore and yet it’s still not really good enough, as people can still see that something isn’t quite right no matter how hard I try to mask it. It’s exhausting.
No one really understands just how hard it is to live day to day, trying to pretend that you’re ok, feeling ok instead of just wanting hide away.
And then all the guilt that comes along with this, for feeling this way, and why I can’t just snap out of it and be normal. There are so many more people worse off than me, and so I feel worse and pathetic for being this way.
I wish I could be normal and happy, people seem to think that I like being this way or it’s just the way I am, when actually what they don’t realise is that this is me trying, I really am trying to function normally and wear my mask of a normal functioning human being. It’s hard work.
But I can’t let people see my real feelings as they tire of me on my really bad days when I can no longer hold my mask, let alone them having to deal with the real me on a daily basis. Their patients wears thin and I can’t be around them when I get to the point of needing to just ‘be’, at this point I need to be alone to recharge and remove the mask altogether.

Am I the only person like this???!!!

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1290
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: My mask

Postby andthistoomustpass » Mon Feb 05, 2018 12:06 am

Hi

I used to feel that the masks were essential, I had a different one for different situations but I found that slowly dropping them, discovering that I was acceptable as I am, learning to accept myself, was hugely beneficial. Controlling the decision to drop the masks was very different to the mask collapsing through exhaustion or exploding through pent up emotions. Choosing to drop the masks was choosing to leave behind those extreme emotional outbursts because I wasn't creating the tension by trying to hide what I felt. Turned out the mask-less me was more balanced and more acceptable than I imagined.

I also realised that my need to wear the masks came from a very self destructive place, one where I believed that I was not good enough, that I had to hide myself from others. Wearing the masks just reinforced that negative view of myself.

It isn't easy to drop them but I would recommend it. I started in safe spaces first, support groups, etc.

Hope that helps.

amaya
Posts: 731
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:23 pm

Re: My mask

Postby amaya » Thu Feb 08, 2018 4:18 pm

I think that is just awesome advice. I was trying to think how to answer as I was reading your post, but now I know I can't say anything better. You don't have to feel guilty about how you are feeling, because that is how you are feeling and actually you didn't get a choice in the matter!


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