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What’s wrong with me?

Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2018 11:53 pm
by yx
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have a pretty good life aside from my biological father not giving a sh’t about me and some minor financial issues, I’d say I have a very good and privileged life. But I just can’t help but feel… i don’t know, teary most of the time. I always hear this voice telling me my flaws and how pathetic I am. That I’m sad for no reason and that I don’t have the right to be. I would then spiral into a cycle of guilt for feeling that way and continue criticising myself. It hurts and sometimes I can’t even express myself with crying. I just feel dry and heavy? Like I’m empty but at the same time I’m bottling everything in?

I don’t think I have the right to feel sad. Not when I have three meals a day, a shelter over my head and a loving mother. Sometimes I just want to disappear because I’ll just be a disappointment in the end and no one truly cares for me. You see, I have two older brothers. They are really close and I feel like an outsider. I think a contributor to this is because my mum favours me over them, which she admits herself but the only reason she does is because I was born a female. I know she won’t love me as much if was a boy. I’d pale in comparison to my brothers and become a true outsider. I have a horrible personality in public which I think I mainly project just to cover up my anxiety over people, and it’s a wonder that I even made any friends. My friends, well, they can definitely live on without me. I'm not an important person in their lives, in fact I feel that my toxic persona is only causing them pain. I’m just so tired. I’m tired of myself and my thoughts. I’m tired of hiding in the wardrobe so that no one would see or hear me cry at home. What’s wrong with me? Why am I so pathetic, weak and whiny? I have another brother who is my fraternal twin but he died during birth and I can’t help but wish he survived instead of me.

Re: What’s wrong with me?

Posted: Fri Feb 02, 2018 8:37 am
by finleybryan23
Hi YX :)

May I know how old are you?

Re: What’s wrong with me?

Posted: Fri Feb 02, 2018 11:16 am
by yx
18. Sorry for making you waste your time on reading this. I just wanted you to get this off my chest and I don’t really expect an answer.

Re: What’s wrong with me?

Posted: Fri Feb 02, 2018 7:03 pm
by bexylouise
Moods like this dont discriminate and sometimes dont have reasons. I know its hard if you feel like an outcast however not a defense to your mother but she is possibly grieving for the loss of a child.if youre feeling like this possibly talk to a GP to see if you can get a diagnosis. Also if you struggle to speak to your mum and family maybe try writing things down and giving it to your mum or leaving it somewhere that it can be seen. As for your father it is not your fault he isnt there youve done nothing wrong he was the adult in the situation so dont feel the burden of their choice it will only tear you apart.
I hope you feel better soon x

Re: What’s wrong with me?

Posted: Tue Feb 06, 2018 11:10 pm
by yx
Thank you for your advice.

Re: What’s wrong with me?

Posted: Thu Feb 08, 2018 5:10 pm
by amaya
Having this level of negative feeling about yourself is a sign that what happened with your father and your brother has deeply affected you. I recommend speaking to a GP about getting a referral to someone who can check to see if you have a diagnosis that is related to these experiences. It is important to get some support because there is nothing wrong with you, you are a person just like everyone else and you shouldn't have to go through life feeling like you are somehow worth less than others.