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Husband and I both suffering with depression

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Joined: Sun Jan 21, 2018 12:45 pm

Husband and I both suffering with depression

Postby emgem91 » Sun Jan 21, 2018 1:20 pm

Hi all,

I’m new to Sane. But really need some likeminded people’s thoughts on a situation that’s happening in my life right now.

I have been feeling anxious and depressed since about September. Have had anaxisty and depression since I was a teenager and I’m 26 now.

Due to a series of events that have happened since September I have been noticing my anxiety and depression increasing over a period of months again so I went to the doctor, who got me back on a CBT plan.

On NYE I believe my husband has a breakdown. Everything was fine and then at about 11pm he started shaking and then walked out. Obviously due to my metal state I had a panic attack because everything was fine until then. I didn’t see him until 4am and he said that he went for a long drive. Since then he’s been like a shell of a human. He is seeking medical help and is speaking to a therapist on the phone daily. He’s been very cold with me and says his head is so wishy washy and he’s finding it hard just getting through a day. On the 7th of January I was trying to comfort him, obviously a lot of his emotional state I thought was because of me. He then cracked and said he needed space because he kept saying he is broken, mentally. That he was so confused about his life and he felt like he was numb from everything. Yes, I probably did smother him a little because I was worried about him, naturally. I know that men and women work in different ways and I know men don’t usually like to talk about how they feel. My husband decided that due to many reasons, not just us, mainly about the flat we are renting that we should live separately so that we could sort both our health out. Obviously I battled and questioned this because I do not want to live apart. No damn way! But he has it in his head and gave the landlord an end date of the tenancy for end of February. Obviously I am registered. Probably because my mental health has made me overthink everything. Is he cheating? Does he think the grass is greener? Does he want me to disappear? I think it’s only natural to think this when a light when out in my husbands head and he turned into the complete opposite of my husband. I love him so much and this is all killing me emotionally.

Unfortunately on the 8th I admitted myself to a&e and had a little breakdown myself. Now having care through my councils mental health team. I went and stayed with my best friend in my hometown for ten days whilst I was letting a new medication work etc. Throughout the ten days my husband was still so very distant and cold. He was saying things like he needed to think about himself etc cause he knows he’s so ill yet didn’t wanted to think about our marriage and our future plans cause he just wanted to focus on himself. I’ve found all this really really hard. He still wants me to be in the flat until we both find somewhere to live, yet he’s so cold with me. He says he’s cold with everyone right now but I find it hard to believe. His best friend did some investigating cause obviously he was confused. Everything he found out came pretty positive and it was stuff like he is still madly in love with me, wants all our future plans but doesn’t think we are both mentally in the right place to do all this and needs some space, for us both so we can get better mentally. I think distancing ourselves is the worst idea, he’s my husband at the end of the day. His best friend was saying he doesn’t want a divorce or anything like that, that’s the last thing he wants, but he doesn’t think my husband can be my husband right now cause he feels so broken. I’m finding this all so hard to deal with. It’s been a massive shock and trigger for me.

A couple of days ago I did managed to have a human conversation about us. I understand we both need some medical help for our mental illness and need to get ourselves on the right path. My husband was saying he feels ‘clouded’ with everything in his life. He said he couldn’t make any promises on ‘us’ because he doesn’t even know how to get through the next day. I’m scared that his depression and mental health is going to end with him making a stupid deciesion about our marriage. Yet he would tell me that he needs to focus on himself so that there is an us. He gave a timeline of his birthday which is in July and he said half a year would give us enough time to get our treatments well and truly on the go and then we could re-evaluate our relationship then. Through all this he keeps saying that the last thing he wants is for us to be over, yet can’t give me any answers on us right now. Once we move out, I don’t even know if I’m going to see him anytime soon. He said he didn’t know, that he just needed to get himself well. He doesn’t know anything. He’s literally the polar opposite of what my husband is and it happened within the space of ten minutes on NYE.

I know he has some issues that he hasn’t dealt with from before we got together 4 years ago. We’ve only been married for a year. It’s giving me such heartache cause even though I’m struggling with my own mental health I just want to help him. He’s made it very obvious he needs his space and I can tell it’s mostly his illness talking.

How do I get through these next few months? I’m really trying to focus on myself but the unknown is killing me. I never thought this would happen and the fact it’s happened so quickly it’s freaked me out. I’m scared of the unknown. I feel like this is a trial separation but not really because of us, maybe a little cause I’ve probably smothered him, but mainly because he wants us to fix ourselves before focusing on the marriage.

Such a long message, but I really need some advice.

Posts: 364
Joined: Mon Jul 17, 2017 10:03 am
Location: UK

Re: Husband and I both suffering with depression

Postby breatheinandout » Sun Jan 21, 2018 6:07 pm

Hello emgem91, welcome to the forum. It sounds like you are having really tough time, no wonder it has triggered a lot of stuff for you.

I don't have an answer, but you can only take things one day at a time. And listen to what your husband tells you, not what the voice in your head tells you. It is difficult to balance each others needs and I can hear the pain in your voice - but listen to what his needs are. Its also ok to tell him what you need too ie accept that he needs space and you live seperately, but can you still do a regulary date eg when you go for a walk and coffee together - as you need to see him as you love him and want to spend time together.

Are you still getting help - eg having CBT at the moment? Its now that you'll need all the coping strategies and support to help you get through things. So do go back and see the GP if you need to. What do you do in life? do you work? what hobbies do you have? occupying yourself is going to be really important.

Finally - it may have seemed like 10 mins at NYE, but you mention he has issues from his past so it sounds like it just got too much and overflowed. Its not his fault.

Not sure if any of this has helped :) Sending hugs your way
Why did i pick such a long username?! Do call me Biao :D

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Joined: Thu Feb 15, 2018 11:28 pm

Re: Husband and I both suffering with depression

Postby alexthehat » Fri Feb 16, 2018 3:34 am

It sounds to me like he does just need and want some space to sort himself out so he can be better for you in the long run, I know it may seem massively counter intuitive but allowing him the space is the loving thing to do, it shows you respect his wishes and feelings and i'm sure you'll find your way back to each other once the fog has cleared a little.

Use the time to focus on you, so you too can be better for him. You both sound like all you want is to be the best you can be for each other, its soo beautifully romantic.
If this is how you can be that for each other, it'll all be worth it in the end.

Chin up chuck x

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