I am new here. To be honest this was my last resort and here I am.
To be straight, I am confused, sad, happy, nervous, irritable, don't feel understood etc. I really really hate things right now. It's like by little things come to me, I end up releasing ALL
my anger and sadness. Once I felt nothing and walked across the road and thought about what would happen if I died. I thought that like my uncle who had killed himself, it would be painless and it would just happen...
A car came by and I decided to carry on walking to the other pavement. It's weird because I had nothing stopping me, yet now I'm here and just had a laugh with some friends and feel "happy". Ugh... now I feel like it's empty happiness. I really really want to just leave everything, school, family, England everything. My dream is to go to new york. I went there for a holiday and I had the time of my life. But recently, my sadness has completely made me at points "numb" if you get what I mean. I love filmmaking but I don't feel it and have kinda lost interest, my love for design and technology is gone and genuinely it's things like this that want me to just leave everything, put me in a room with food, water, and a big ass TV and just leave me there.
The problem is that I am a sensitive person so of course, I will burst out into laughter if something is funny. The problem is also that I hate myself for faking my laughter when something isn't funny just to fit in. I have a really horrid twisting gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach the moment I'm alone. My family doesn't see it; they tell me that I have no reason to be this way. And in a way, I now want to have something wrong with me so they will finally understand that I absolutely hate everything. I am now trying to think of what to say but I now want to cry. People think that I want attention when I'm sad. But like I said I am a very expressive person so I something is funny, I will laugh.
Please someone read this and help me. I have no real friends, I don't want to lie to myself anymore - everything is shit. But when people start telling me I'm an attention seeker, there is no reason to feel this way and my facade which flares up when I am trying to fake being happy to fit in and my general personality really really fucks me up. If you have managed to read this mess, Please just help me with something, anything.