I have a wild imagination. I daydream mostly of social situations - what I wish I had done before if wasn't for my social anxiety, what I could do in the future etc. Lately my brain has decided to write vivid romcom novellas - meetcutes, overly pretentious dialogue and me as the manic pixie dream girl all included. And it's not because I particularly like a guy - any guy I deem attractive or who appears to be attracted to me will do. I am just lonely. And thirsty.
Real thirsty. For attention and adoration and someone I can open up to and fully be myself around - I end up being so many different false versions of myself in the hopes of living up to others expectations, or more accurately, not disappointing others
The daydreams are an escape. And are therefore addictive. The come down when I have to snap back to reality is so low though it makes me believe that the real life I have is too hard, too empty, too much effort and not enough reward. The daydreams also deceive me into thinking I've fulfilled my human desire to socialise when without realising I can go weeks (maybe months
) without properly opening up to people. Funny how the visualisations I used to use to try and help me socialise actually make me less sociable and more introverted. They help me avoid my loneliness which is the very thing I need to feel in order to push me to connect with others.
These daydreams have been popping up into my head and pulling me in more recently. Probably because I'm kinda avoiding life. I'm tired of fighting my demons: my negative thoughts, my anxiety, my wrong ways of thinking. I'm tired of pushing myself out of my comfort zone and I'm afraid I won't get any relief or rest. As a result I notice that everything I ought to do is painfully uncomfortable from getting out of bed to getting on with work to trying to recognise and resolve my messed up thinking patterns to mustering up the nerve to be loving, vulnerable and real with those around me. It's easier to let the daydreams take me.
I'm too tired of living but I'm afraid to die not having lived.
Hi, I'm silentcry and I'm a real-life paradox.