I just need to let off some steam.
Background: I’ve suffered from depression, with some psychotic symptoms (until recently) and anxiety plus OCD. I also suffer from chronic pain in my ankle, am awaiting jaw surgery, dropped out of uni last year and will be going to a different university doing a different course in September this year.
I’m feeling pretty frustrated inside. I suppose it can be put down to several things.
Firstly, I’m awaiting jaw surgery. I was told this was going to happen last year, it never did, and now I’m being put on the waiting list for another hospital because I am too old to have surgery at my usual hospital (a children’s hospital, I am nearly 20). I am really frustrated as the transferring of my records etc should have been done when I turned 18 but it wasn’t. I’m now having to wait extra, and I just really want this surgery done as the recovery isn’t pleasant and rather drawn-out. I just want to get it done.
On top of this, I will be going to university to study OT. I am feeling very nervous about this, due to my past experience at uni (I studied Literature at another uni during 2015 – 2016) and I was very unhappy there (this is when the depression/psychotic symptoms started). I ended up extremely ill and suicidal, so naturally, I am feeling anxious about going back, given my history. It is more the aspect of studying and adapting to a new situation again rather than the course itself, I’ll be studying OT and my dream is to become a OT, so it’s not that bit that’s worrying me. I know I have the ability to complete a degree, and I know I shouldn’t let last year’s history affect this year’s experience, but it’s hard not to when you never thought you’d be the one to get depression and end up wanting to kill yourself, and yet that’s what happened.
My job is also making me feel frustrated – I work in a care home – I can’t reveal too much due to confidentiality but my hours are shift work, so my weeks are completely sporadic, meaning there is no regularity in my time at work. This alone is very agivating as I am not someone who is at their brightest/most energetic in the evening, but I seem to be doing night shifts at the moment. I tend to be less depressed in the morning and therefore at my ‘peak’. Another thing is that I have a collegue who is VERY lazy and does not do anything apart from sit on the computer ‘’typing updates’’, despite being asked to help. Also, my hours are being severely cut down, for no reason at all. The company claims it has a staff shortage when it has just enough staff to cover all bases). I have gone from having 24 hours (my contract hours) to 14, and I am trying to save up for university. I have discussed all of these points with my manager and there is ‘nothing we can do’, ‘we make the rotas equal for everyone’, when I know for a FACT that the majority of people have equal amounts of night/day shifts and it seems to be only a few of us who have to put up with sporadic timetabling. In regards to my collegue, my formal complaint has not been taken up on, or if it has, my manager has not made me aware of the outcome, despite me asking to know. Also, regarding my hours, I have emailed and asked to stick to my hours on my contract (24) plus any overtime I ask for, and yet my rota is still being messed around with. I really want to leave my job but I feel stuck, as I would be entitled to sick pay and I will have to take 2 months off work after my operation. I don’t want to quit now and then start another job and then have to go off for the op and not be entitled to any sick pay. I feel very unappreciated and ignored at work and it’s starting to get to the point where I can’t even crack a smile.
Also, I feel quite lonely. I have a few good friends but the majority of my friends are at my previous university so it is very hard to arrange meet ups with them, and the friends who live locally to me are always working and often off when I am at work. I find it hard to talk about my mental illnesses with them as they are the sort who would sort of laugh and dismiss it. Regarding relationships, I’m a bit of a late bloomer, I’ve dated a few people but had my first serious relationship with a guy last year– we met each other’s families and it was a very intense period. Things moved very quickly. He dumped me via text and I was completely heartbroken. I felt VERY low after things ended and I was very lonely. He promised a lot of things to me, saying that we’d ‘never break up’ and that he was ‘falling for you’, so his dumping of me was completely out of the blue. I just want some closure. Also it doesn’t help that my neighbours/a few of my friends are friends with him. Fast forward to now, I’m now active on a few online dating websites and have 2 dates set up, I’m excited for them but still a little sore and wary of being severely hurt again.
I also suffer from chronic pain in my ankle. No medication helps to ease the pain, I’ve tried all sorts of methods but nothing works. I’m now on the list for an ankle fusion and the pain is becoming more severe. Obviously this is getting me down as there is nothing that can help (apart from surgery) and I won’t be having surgery for at least a year. I can’t drive because of it so I’m having to rely on public transport to get everywhere, which also includes a lot of walking, meaning more pain! Again, I feel like I can’t talk to people about it because they’ll say ‘’It could be worse’’ or ‘’my foot hurts too’. (actual responses I’ve received).
Sorry for the long rant, I’ve just kept this bottled in for so long and I’m starting to crack. I just feel like I’m heading towards another relapse again and I really don’t want to as I know I have a great future ahead of me. I just feel really, really stuck and in limbo and it’s so overwhelming. I’m grateful for any responses.
Fighting mental illness one step at a time!