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Jokes

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juliette
Posts: 7
Joined: Mon Aug 24, 2015 2:59 pm

Jokes

Postby juliette » Mon Aug 24, 2015 3:19 pm

Hello everyone

does anyone have any good jokes ?

Juliette

mezzaninedoor
Posts: 1011
Joined: Tue Jun 23, 2015 5:27 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby mezzaninedoor » Tue Aug 25, 2015 8:25 pm

Whats green and hangs between 2 twigs?
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Gorilla Phlegm
<sorry>

emily67
Posts: 27
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2016 5:58 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby emily67 » Thu Jan 07, 2016 7:31 pm

guy walks in to a bar and orders a beer.

he drinks the beer, then stares in his pocket at something.

he orders another beer, and repeats the same process.

this goes on for around 4 or 5 beers

finally the bartender asks what he's staring in his pocket for

guy says, their's a picture of my wife in their. when she starts to look atractive, i know i've had enough to drink!

emily67
Posts: 27
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2016 5:58 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby emily67 » Thu Jan 07, 2016 7:36 pm

a guy calls 999 with a complaint that their are people stealing from his shed

the dispatcher says, i'm sorry.. no one is around at the moment- everyone is busy!

the guy hangs up, give it a few minits, then rings back. he reports, don't worry about the people in my shed- their all dead!
with in moments, 5 police cars show up.

police: i thought you told the dispatcher all the thieves were dead?

guy: and i thought the dispatcher told me no one was around to help!

emily67
Posts: 27
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2016 5:58 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby emily67 » Thu Jan 07, 2016 7:37 pm

i love jokes, so if you want more just let me know.

i have quite a few

emily67
Posts: 27
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2016 5:58 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby emily67 » Fri Jan 08, 2016 11:53 am

teacher to her class of children: if i gave to the church, gave my life to god, and was a good christian, would that get me in to heaven?

class: no!

teacher: if i didn't eat too much, helped out people in poorer countries and was happy and content with my life, would that get me in to heaven?

class: no!

teacher: well then, how can i get in to heaven?

boy at the back: you gotta be dead!

emily67
Posts: 27
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2016 5:58 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby emily67 » Fri Jan 08, 2016 11:56 am

2 blondes driving to disney land in california

they get to a sign that reads, disneyland left

so they started crying and headed back the way they came

emily67
Posts: 27
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2016 5:58 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby emily67 » Fri Jan 08, 2016 12:04 pm

an owner of a mental asylum had an idea- because it was a hot day, and because it was nearing the end of the season, he thought it might be a good idea to take some of the most stable patients to see the last baseball game of the season

he spent a week choosing which patients to take, and then a further week trainuing them to obey what he told them to do

at the game, they find some seats in the front row, and sit down to enjoy it.

the national anthem starts, and the owner yells " up nuts!". all the patients stand up

at the end of the anthem, the owner yells, " down nuts!" and they all sit down

soon enough, the home team score.

owner yells: cheer nuts!. and all the patients cheer

at half time, the owner decides that it's going really well, and he'd just leave them for a while so he can get a hotdog and a cola

on his return, however, he finds everyone on their feet frantic to leave the stadium

he asks a woman behind him, what's happened?. i thought i was doing so well

the woman, who had been watching him intently through the entire game replied, yes, you were. that is, until some idiot came running down the isle screaming peanuts, peanuts!.

emily67
Posts: 27
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2016 5:58 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby emily67 » Fri Jan 08, 2016 12:09 pm

1 morning, a mother walked in to her son's room and said, okay, time to go to school.

son replied, i don't want to go to school. i'm staying in bed!

the mother asks him, give me 2 reasons why you don't want to go to school

son says, for 1, all the kids hate me. for another, it's monday!. now give me 2 reasons why i should go to school

his mother replies, well, for 1, you're 50 years old. for another, you're the headmaster

emily67
Posts: 27
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2016 5:58 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby emily67 » Fri Jan 08, 2016 12:21 pm

1 last one for now ( a real growner!)

bob and betty hill are driving back from a party. it's raining, and bob, who is driving, can't see the road properly.

before long, he crashes in to a tree.

looking across at betty, he discovers she is unconcious and bleeding

he looks out the window at the falling rain, and decides that he needs help. he grabs his ife, opens the car door, and starts running like mad.

now, as it happens, their's a house not far from where he crashed.

up goes bob and knocks on the door

a man answers and bob tels him he needs to use his phone, their's been a terrible accident!

the man who answered the door replied that his older brother, a scientist, would see if he could fix them up

before bob could explain he needed a doctor and not a scientist, he was rushed in to the house. bob collapsed on the sofa with betty still unconcious next to him

down comes this old man and explains he is a scientist. he lifts them up and puts them both on operating tables

sadly, after a few hours of working on them, bob and betty hill are dead

the younger man, saddened by the loss, starts playing sad music on his piano in his study

meanwhile, downstairs, our scientist is clearing away his things, when he notices out of the corner of his eye, bettey's eyes moving in time to the music. he also notices bob's arms going up and down in time to the beat

soon, they are both sitting up right- feeling just fine!

the older man bursts in to the study and says...

wait for it...

keep scrolling down...

and down..

and down...

and down..

you'll never believe this!. the hills are alive with the sound of music!.


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