Even when I was 14 years old I knew I was different. I didn't fit it with those around me, I couldn't attach to people and I had to do everything from turning the lights on and off to breathing in and out before I could look away from people. I had longed to be someone else, I would harm myself persistently be attacked by compulsive suicide thoughts. I just about made it through school and thankfully things eased up during college. Following college I went to study paediactric nursing at university everything was going well but little did I know what was about to happen.
It started by waking up every morning at 4am, then soon I couldn't write a sentence at university, I could focus and my body was shaking constantly. My tutor was far from understanding telling me I looked blank, empty, and I shouldnt be on the course. From this broke down and moved back in with mum and dad. I told about the sexual abuse I had suffered at the age of 10, I was unable to sleep,sit still or eat. I was tearing my hair out and didn't want to be alive. I took an overdose of a cocktail of pills and was taken into hospital, I was so surprised to see how little the nurses new about mental health. I was held there until I was taken to a psychiatric hospital where I endured 4 months of the doctors trying to find the best medications for me, of limited outside visits and groups to take part in simple activities such as drawing and painting, I felt like I had gone from university student to pre school student. I was do down hearted I began to cut up cans to use to hurt myself and took an overdose whenever I could. Later I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and eventually discharged, since being discharge I have taken 2 more overdoses but I'm now slowly getting myself back on track. I'm blessed enough to have my dad pay for a DBT therapist whom I am still seeing. The NHS are unable to fund for DBT in the hospitals which is very unfortunate as it is the best therapy for BPD sufferers.
To all those suffering with mental health from whatever severity and for whatever reason, I wish you strength and courage to fight through the darkest of times and I wish you all get the right help, don't be afraid to ask