I first noticed the strange power I've got
The day Miss Fisher fainted on the spot
How do I alarm the ladies so?
(After all, I only said Hello)
What is this danger that lurks within me?
(There is non, actually)
Is it my beauty that with such ease
Can make men tremble at the knees?
Or is it the way I sing most sweetly
That clears a room so completely?
For it is just a word! who’s mere mention
Can cause great hypertension,
Quite beyond my comprehension
(I think there you get the direction
Of my derivation)
For I am nice and kind!
(With an occasionally disordered mind)
Why I knit jumpers for small dogs
And paint kittens in Dutch clogs!
(And you can’t get milder than that)
I wouldn’t unnerve a gnat!
And if I were to have a plea
(Yes there is just one of me,
Not two or three)
I would ask for this word to be no more scary
Steady now, and pour yourself a large sherry
(‘cos very soon it will be necessary)
As this word will shortly make an appearance
Otherwise this poem will have no coherence
For I have Schizophrenia
(See that wasn't too bad- was it?)