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What's wrong with me
Stug

Hello there, I'm after some advice if possible, my name is Stuart I am 34 years old with 3 Lovley kids and a beautiful fiancé. I have suffered  with depression since mid to late teens and was abit of a toe rag in my teens after my parents split doing drugs and generally being a pain, but I turned myself around managed to work end up meeting my current partner who I've had 3 wonderful children with our own house etc, problem is I've always had these real bad episodes of depression and the last few are seriously affecting me and my family, I often think that my family and friends would b better of without me like I was dead, I feel worthless hopeless I have nothing to offer people full of guilt  for past behaviours as I no I haven't been easy to live with atall I also have alot of money problems always really have, I have a good job but last year my partner had to get 18500 pound loan to pay my debts and since then I have racked up another3 grand on credit on what I don't no it just seems to happen, I get very irritable allot of the time n can't b very nasty for no reason to loved ones or complete strangers,I seem to be thinkin constantly about anythin and everything random things just pop Into my head anytime of day it's like my mind never stops, it takes a while to get to sleep but when I do I can sleep for 16 hours straight n when I wake up I feel horrible,my body aches I have chest pains in when the depression kicks rite in I feel emotionally numb! I've tried various ssri over the years and was prescribed venalfaxine last year as a different approach which I think has made me worse, I have asked for a second opion as my last shrink just said take venalfaxine ull b ok and didn't seem to click with, I have app next week with someone else but this last depressive episode has knocked me for 6, I just want a diagnoses rather than  it's a chemical imbalance take these!when I was 17-18 I went throu a very bad patch lost alot of friends due to some out of character behaviour, when I told people I had won alot of money which I hadn't n when a fiends wanted to go hols I said yea book it thinking I had money when I had none! I also told lies that my mum was not my real mum to people,?to this day it bugs me to think y I did it, could it have been a hypo mania episode? Do I have depression with anxiety or could I b bi polar2 I'm not sure I just want to b a good parent and partner for my family the only thing that seems to help is smoking abit of pot I feel more at ease less stressed and angry with Meself, there is alot of mental health issues within my family as I come from a big family, sorry to go on I just dunno where to turn n the thought of waiting another week with this swimming around in my mind makes me feel worse many thanks for your time, regards Stuart,Plymouth,uk