i lost my best friend when i was three years old, him being about the same age! For some reason i became petrified of dying! i started head butting my pillow very hard and quite fast for hours and hours! i thought that would work like a compression, if my heart stopped and also to make me breath should that stop. i repeated this behaviour up until i was 15 years old, now and again i still do it!! A total change round in my thinking happened when i was put in care because of some family stuff, i began to want to die, i tried and i tried and i tried so many times, but im still here,obviously! Then when i was about 10 or 11 years old, my father used to get agressive and use a double buckled belt to keep us in order while my mum was working nights, she worked so hard to give us a lovely home and food in our bellies! So my head butting problem got worse as the belting got worse and all i wanted to do was to die!! Mean while my brother and his friend started touching my sister and i when we were in our beds. i have carried so much guilt about this because i used to wish it was my sister's 'turn' when he walked into our room! He told my parents that he was 'checking on us' before he went to bed himself! That was accepted! But i sister and i knew different! We were being attacked in our beds but then they started dragging us into the woods and doing it! i tried so often to let someone know about it! from the age of about 10 til that time when i had spoken to someone about it! And that is when the s*** hit the fan! i was taken into care and disowned by the whole family! All i wanted to do is die! i started to self harm! And attempted suicide many times!