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My journey so far.
zoehallel


life, although i willAt first i always thought my journey started at the age of 15 when my mental health problems were triggered but now i know that what contributed to them started throughout my whole life. Right now im just gonna explain the main trigger what got me this way which will be what happened when i was 15, when i was 15 i was out of control i was mixing with the wrong crowd i was smoking drinking stealing and had just started getting into drugs, i went from person to person not knowing the danger of whose hands i could of feel into, well that was exactly what happened, im not going to mention much about this person cos his not even worth being mentioned or worth my time i want to make it 100% clear i never had any relationship involvement with this person he was just a complete creep that seemed to hoover around me, and gave me loads of money for free which to a 15 year old narrow minded girl was great, i was on a downward spiral and at the age i was i was coming to the end of my school years and i had no plans for my future or what i was going to do once school was over, this person which was giving me money wasnt the only one there was 3 boys, all 3 of them hanging round me giving me money and it soon went on to achohol then eventually i was offered a load of weed for free, at the time i was caught in that cycle and thought that was great apparently a drug dealer from a different area didnt want it (that should of been a sign to stay well clear) but it didnt even enter my mind, one night i arranged for one of the boys to post the cannabis through my letterbox and little did i know the next day my life would be completely changed. The drug i smoked on that day had been spiked by another of the boys, he had told the first boy not to tell me and that id enjoy it, many times whilst out of it i can now remember little remarks he use to say to me like im gonna know what it feels like to suffer like his dad which apparently had schezorphenia but at the time id take no notice. The way that drug made me feel was the most terrifying horrific experience of my life i wouldnt wish that on anyone, the effect of the drug was making me forget absolutley everything every few seconds so i was continously remembering forgetting it caused exetreme feelings of panic, i went into my first ever full blown panic attack during being spiked, i had never experienced such a feeling, i got rushed to hospital and really thought i was going to die, afew hours after sitting in hospital with an oxygen mask they discharged me all fine i may of been physically fine but mentally i was scarred, and from such a tramatic experience happening, to everyone and thing around me shortly going back to normal after a week or so cos i looked fine on the outside, i just couldnt seem to get over it, i was changed mentally, a week after the incident i then had another full blown panic attack i didnt have a clue what was happening to me i thought it was all happening all over again at this time i was to terrified to even talk about or say the word anxiety and panic attack yet alone look it up and research what was going on with me, i spent alot of days in bed under my covers i was absolutley stricken by fear i reached out for help to a teacher and she had a massive involvement in me getting through them early days my survival was purely down to her waiting for her to ring me in the evening to here her tell me everything will be ok and id go to sleep repeating what she said to me in my head till i fell asleep, i spent nearly every single school day with for the next 5 years from then on she became more like a mother figure to me and il never forget what she did for me and how she helped me at the hardest time in my life even if she doesnt release just how she helped me she really did save my life at that point, i got very depressed in them days i sank and it felt like i was stuck in a very dark tunnel and couldnt pull myself out, i was so desperate i made a drastic decision due to the fight or flight response and put myself into care, at the time this was happening to me my mum had had fibroids for 7 years and before id help but now i needed help and i couldnt handle anymore drama i seriously needed someone to help and take care of me, also my suffers with mental health problems and she keptstrying to tell me things about it which i didnt want to hear cos i wasnt ready to talk about it yet, it scared me. Whilst i was in care the big change in enviroment and there were 2 girls around my age there which were my freinds so i was never alone it was a distraction to my mind and it pulled me out of my depression. But one day the lady which was looking after me allowed a man to move in and while she was a work and the 2 girls at school, he offered me if i wanted the rest of his cigarette and i accepted cos i still smoked cigarettes at this time and it was only after i took it down i realised that wasnt a cigarette it had puff in it, straight away i paniced and shouted at him to take me to my school so i could get to my teacher cos i was terrified when i got there i said in her room till i calmed down i remeber that evening i had to go to the hospital to visit my mum cos she was soon about to have her hysterectomy to get rid of her fibroids. That evening when i got back the man was making dinner and i was obviously paranoid because of what happened but i felt funny whilst eating the food it was just my mind but that started me to get very obsessed with checking my food cos i was scared that someone had spiked it contaminated it, i was exetremely obsessive i was hardly eating even tho i was hungry id restrict myself from eating cos i was convinced 100% my food or drink was spiked, i weighed just over 6 stone and no matter what matter know made it was accusing everyone of spiking me so i ended up with a obsessive compulsary eating disorder, eventually after a year i moved back in with my mum and dad and i remember i went out on my own one time to the local shopping centre and suddenly i thought i smelt weed and a big sense of panic came over me all the memorys come back i just wanted to run home i got on the phone to mum begged her to come get me cos i felt like i couldnt breathe and she refused but after that time thats when my agoraphobia started it was a slow build, at the time i dont even think what i smelt was weed but anxiety makes you sensitive to smell, noise and sight it all intensifies its one of the symptons, i seem ed to definately be living in complete fear of what happened to me and it had been about 2 or 3 years since i didnt understand why i couldnt get over it, why it was still on mind everyday and why it effected what i did in my life still everyday, it then 2 or 3 years later i finally got diagnosed with PTSD , since then i have received loads of counselling, my main problem now is agoraphobia and anxiety and even im still fighting this constant battle i have such a long way, and i am a completely different person to who i use to be, im very open about about mental illness now and where i didnt have any future plans before i now have a big interest in mental health and helping people which are going through the same or similar things to me, i even own my own surport group on facebook called Little steps go a long way, i can even say i feel gratefull in what happened to me even tho im limited right now in being to do things and go out, i have met and made some wonderfull freinds which are real and true they the best freinds ive ever met and had in my never be gratefull to the person which did this to me cos his intentions werent good ones, as for future plans i will be having more counselloring with a new counsellor at my gp and cbt. And who know what else the future may hold for me im still on my journey through recovery :) X