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Beauty from Pain - My Story

Hi Everyone

Ok, I was tempted to take the easy way out, and just give you a link to my blog ( and say you can find out about my story there, but hey that would probably be just downright lazy :)

Well, in a way my mental health story began on 28th May 2010, but I guess more accurately it began when I was born.

The reason I say 28th May 2010 is because that night I had what felt like a bit of a mini breakdown - I completely freaked out, crying, hysterical, hitting myself, really wanting to harm myself etc. Asked to stay in my friend's house, who had to stay up with me most of the night. Really felt like I was going crazy.

So a few days later I went to my GP. She didn't prescribe me anti-depressants immediately, but did a thyroid test first, and kept an eye on me for a few weeks first before describing them. She then referred me to a brilliant Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN). Over the months I got worse and worse. At the end of 2010 I became very suicidal, and remained severely suicidal for almost a year. It was awful.

I had a couple of stays in psychiatric hospital in early 2011, and 2011 was my worst year ever - I over-dosed several times, self-harmed a lot, was constantly suicidal, and in a really bad way. I'm so glad that I had my CPN as she made such a huge difference to me.

In April 2011 a psychiatrist suggested a diagnosis for me of Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (more commonly known as Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD). I also have clinical depression. I agree with my BPD diagnosis, but think it is only mild compared to what I think some people are like. I think my depression is more of an issue.

I said my story in a way started on 28th May 2010, however I know that I didn't just become mentally unwell that night. I was mentally unwell for a long, long time before that. I self-harmed since I was 18, even if it was not very frequent. When things were bad, my thoughts always resorted to suicide. I had all the symptoms of depression for years before 2010 but I never realised it.

My problems may be a simple mental illness (or more than one). Or it may also be contributed to my childhood. I was brought up in a very unstable environment. Poverty, a drunken mother, sexual abuse, bereavement, bullying, basically trauma all the way through... an environment and upbringing that no doubt played a big part in the development of my 'borderline personality'.

Well, in November 2011 I started on a new combination of anti depressants and my mood started to lift, and they really helped because finally I wasn't constantly suicidal. I was actually even occasionally happy and it was amazing. I am still unwell, and I need to constantly work on my mental health, and I know I will probably always be a bit mentally unwell, but I just need to work hard at managing it.

Earlier this year I set up a local self-help support group for depression. I do lots of voluntary work online in mental health.

I also write a blog which is designed to make good things come out of my illness. I hope you would maybe visit my blog and that it might help you.

I hope that my story might give you some hope. Please keep going, it is worth it xxxx